Boyfriend not sure he wants to marry me

[FtmS0ph]

Me and my boyfriend are both 29 i'm 9 months post partum and had quite a traumatic birth which has taken me months to health from.
In those 9 months me and my boyfriend have hardly had sex, mainly because my libido has completely gone and my hormones are still not back to normal and i've only recently started feeling like myself again.
Yesterday we were talking about marriage and he said he'd been reading something about sexless marriages and that they always end badly and then he said that he hasn't asked me to marry him yet because we don't have sex and that he's not sure if he wants that for the rest of his life.
It obviously upset me because for the first couple of months he was really understanding about it but now it feels like he doesn't care, i've also tried explaining to him why I don't feel like it but it's like he doesn't understand. I really don't know how to feel about this and I don't know what to do. I love him a lot and want a future with him but I feel like I don't have much of a choice in this.

It doesn't sound like the best time to plan a wedding. Why not focus on the baby for now and discuss it again in 6 months?

It sounds like he didn't put it very sensitively, but it doesn't automatically make him an awful person to want to park the idea of marriage while you both work on getting some more intimacy back in your relationship.

The pill completely killed my libido. It came back once I stopped taking it. We used condoms after that.

I'm sorry you had a traumatic birth experience and of course nobody should be forcing themselves to have sex if they can't enjoy it.

However, it isn't shallow or unreasonable to be questioning the future of a relationship if there is a colossal mismatch in libido. I can't speak from a man's perspective, but as a woman I would be wary of committing to marriage at time when my partner had no interest in sex. I wouldn't end the relationship - I'd be patient and wait and see if we could could rekindle things in that department, and try to move things forward and so on. But I wouldn't be agreeing to marriage until it was clear that we were definitely going to have a decent sex life long term, because I think sex is an important part of a relationship.

OP, be careful - you will always find cheerleaders who encourage you to demonise your husband or exit your relationship. It is therapeutic for them but it's you that has to live this life. They are merely pixels on a screen.

Look at your goal and work backwards. Is it a romantic future with him? Or a cohabitating parental partnership? He is making it clear that he desires a romantic partnership. Is this out of sync with you? If you both want a romantic relationship then what are the inhibitors - pill, physical recovery, exhaustion, mood? Address them with the GP, and speak to him about lightening your load, and perhaps pre foreplay relaxation.

Take action to achieve your goal - whatever that is.

What a horrible man. OP, are you sure YOU want to marry him? My husband has never pressured me for sex, and certainly not 9 months PP after a traumatic birth of his child!

He honestly sounds like he has the emotional maturity of a rock. I think you’d be better off without a husband lacking in so much sensitivity and empathy personally. Sorry.

He sounds like a total prick, as do some pp here.
he’s got no reason to believe it’d be a sexless marriage, you’ve had a medical issue bringing his child into the world and have still continued to have sex with him. I couldn’t marry him knowing that in the future if I got seriously ill and couldn’t have sex, or had another baby with complications again or any other vulnerable time in my life, he’d be looking to leave. He committed to a child with you but doesn’t want to commit to a marriage, honestly I’m sure you won’t because you have a 9m old and it’s stressful, I know I’d hesitate in your position, but as an outsider, leave him. He’s told you what his priorities are, your health isn’t it.

Good comment.

I know, you're right. We've had a discussion about it before and my boyfriend has tried his hardest to settle him/sooth him and our 9 month old won't give up until it's me holding him again. I go back to work in January so i'm hoping things will be different then

What's wrong with condoms?
I understand it takes time to get your sex life back after a baby but 9 months is a long time and if you're not attracted to him anymore he's got a right to consider if he wants that long term.
Sex is important to most people in relationships, possibly moreso to men on average than women, and loss of libido in one partner is often the death of a relationship. If there is scope to try to regain it, it's worth trying.

1. Contraception is not just your responsibility.

1. The mini pill is one choice, there are other options.

1. Not taking any contraception methods and getting pregnant again is indeed another choice.

Google is your friend! This is normal phase and there are tried and tested processes for it. Usually you start with the non preferred parent doing a small part of the ritual, like playing or bath, then gradually hand over more, and massively praise the kid for any compliance. But you might have to step away and endure some tears, same as when you are teaching them to sleep alone/self soothe.

Also maybe stop saying to yourself he’s your boyfriend and start thinking of him as the kids dad.

I disagree with this. Less than a year ago, you pushed a head out of your vagina/ had major surgery to deliver the baby, either way your body grew, sustained and expelled a baby.

And now you're pretty much single handedly caring for that baby. I have no time for men who put sex above the needs of their family. If he were doing literally 50%, you might feel more inclined to sleep with him. But, exhausted at the end of a day with a baby is relentless.

Don't let him say things like, "oh but he settles so much better with you", of course he blumming does, because you're there, persisting, even through the shit time - I'll bet it's not always plain sailing.

I'm a bit concerned for you that this sounds an ultimatum: have sex more regularly with me or I'll not marry you / I'll break up with you.

The question he should be asking is "How can we be a better parenting team so you get some time to yourself?", or, "How can I support you better?", or even, "I've noticed we've not been having sex much, can we get together at the weekend and discuss why that might be - it's still important to me and I feel like it's slipping away. I love you".

It SHOULD NOT BE, "We're not having sex, I don't want this for the rest of my life, I won't marry you". Real AH vibes coming in here!

I would be sure you're finances/go it alone plan are water tight.

Is he any kind of intelligent- emotional or otherwise? Get him to read up about hormones post partum and how the pp period is actually 2 years.

Sorry you're dealing with it, going through the first year with the first child isn't always a walk in the park, I'm sorry he's treated you like this. I'm sending a huge hug and hope you can sit him down to educate him and hopefully garner more support - as you rightly deserve. ♡

I think 9 months is a long time to still be healing after the traumatic birth. You need to go back and visit your GP. You might need a referral to a specialist. Once you have sorted out your post birth body you'll probably regain your libido. Your partner might be more empathetic if he saw you acting to get help. Leave marriage until you are more sexually compatible.

This. I think you should be focussing on your health OP and being proactive. Its a very long time. I do hope you are ok.

All four of mine were like that, and we coslept and I breastfed forever so I feel your pain. My youngest I called the koala bear. It did drive me nuts at times for sure. I do think if shes breastfeeding the baby is always gonna want mum - just how it is. Didn't affect my libido though. Thats not a given for an exhausted, over touched mum. Try and think of ways he can help you get in the mood again - whatever it is that floats your boat. The baby has to sleep sometime!

Thank you for being so understanding, it means a lot especially after reading so many insensitive comments on my post.
It definitely feels like an ultimatum to me too! I would really like us to have a future together but I really don't want to feel like the only way i'm going to get that is by giving in to sex, especially when I'm not in the mood.
I'm going to talk to my GP about it all next week and hopefully get some support but I know I also need to have another talk with him over this stuff and hope that he will understand.

What do you expect from him OP?
To wait for ....how long?

I'm not having a go or ignoring the fact that dir many reasons you don't want sex but can you see it from his side too?

I actually think he's been quite brave in saying how he really feels.
X

That isn't solving the problem tho is it?
Their 9 month old baby deserves them to try see each others point of view and try to work a way forward.

I’m not sure I’d be terribly keen to marry someone who was using marriage as a method of blackmailing me into postpartum sex.

Would you expect your boyfriend to marry with no real sexual relationship? Regardless of any blame

Perhaps if you'd had your genitals ripped apart, then spent long time healing, you might not be QUITE so keen having someone badgering you to let them ram a pole in and out at speed. Y'know, into all that still tender scar tissue, causing pain. JUST what a post-op site needs, further pain.

Jesus. Go away and have a wank. OR try being soft and gentle with the poor woman, to see if she can even have sexual desire or feeling in her very damaged and recovering vulva and genitalia.

If love only exists when women put themselves through pain and suffering solely for the pleasure of a man, it's wonder ANY of us ever actually want to have sex or relationships with them.

Sounds like a sexual mismatch at the minute he wants more than you do. It might just be you after the baby, you need to sort it out, ridiculous he wants out after you have a baby together, doesn't he realise that is a life long commitment.

can I gently suggest that things won't be different in January if you don't start now?

The first couple of years after a baby is rough
tbh I’d park marriage for now
try and force the issue it’ll just push him away
relax get back to a new normal then see how things are

I don’t care what people say about all the joy babies bring the first year can be miserable all round