Boyfriend not sure he wants to marry me

[FtmS0ph]

Me and my boyfriend are both 29 i'm 9 months post partum and had quite a traumatic birth which has taken me months to health from.
In those 9 months me and my boyfriend have hardly had sex, mainly because my libido has completely gone and my hormones are still not back to normal and i've only recently started feeling like myself again.
Yesterday we were talking about marriage and he said he'd been reading something about sexless marriages and that they always end badly and then he said that he hasn't asked me to marry him yet because we don't have sex and that he's not sure if he wants that for the rest of his life.
It obviously upset me because for the first couple of months he was really understanding about it but now it feels like he doesn't care, i've also tried explaining to him why I don't feel like it but it's like he doesn't understand. I really don't know how to feel about this and I don't know what to do. I love him a lot and want a future with him but I feel like I don't have much of a choice in this.

Why is marriage even being discussed? Of course, he isn't being unreasonable not to marry her if he has concerns regarding anything.

There is hope op that it will come back - it took me nearly 2 years tbh before we started having regular sex again ! i was worried and he was worried for a while that we wouldnt get it back -but we did

stop the pill and use condoms?

So should I not take any contraception then and get pregnant again?

but you arent even having sex??

and he can use condoms

Its good that you can talk about this together, thats a good first step. He has been reading up on sexless marriages, perhaps he could also do some reading on traumatic births and post partum problems. Perhaps if his penis had been run through a mangle
9 months ago he wouldn't be so frisky. Also, why can't he take responsibility for contraception, especially if it might help?

I never said we weren't having it at all

How often are you having sex? What is the actual issue for you? Does it hurt? Are you uncomfortable? lost your desire? For him, for sex or generally? Are you still masturbating?

You dont have to answer that here, but all those things matter, and you need help to get back on track.

Oh the poor diddums. Not getting his end away as much as he wants.

His partner has just had his baby, has taken a long time to heal, hormones and libido are all over the place and all he can worry about is a possible sexless marriage?

Fuck him and fuck marrying him. He's a selfish little manchild who needs a dose of reality!!

You seem to think he should just accept hardly any sex because you had a baby 9 months ago. TBH I dont think YOU should accept that, let alone him. Its not a nice way to live. And if you think the minipill is the cause (did you use it before the pregnancy?) then you absolutley need to go off it. The pill, and coil all gave me shocking migraines and horrendous bleeding. I didn't just carry on - I went off it and found other solutions.

Jesus! Its been 9 MONTHS! She shouldn't want this for herself. Sex is awesome and a fab part of life and a relationship. Stop making out like she should just accept that. And him. 'Dose of reality' - what that all women after kids hate sex and he should just accept that otherwise hes a selfish manchild. Um...no they fucking dont!

I'd strongly suggest couples counselling in this situation. To be honest, there are two sides, neither of you is wrong here. He is correct to raise concerns vs just getting married for the sake of it. You need to talk to him about what you have been feeling, and how you forsee that changing over time. Sometimes there are posts here like "had a baby, tried to have sex with my DH the obligatory once every 6 months and he said no, i'm hurt and can't imagine why". I'm glad he is mature enough to talk to you and try to get ahead of that and figure out what you both want long term. I hope it works out.

My opinion of him entirely depends on the context of how he said this. Is he making an effort to try and get you feeling back on track* because he wants to marry you but wants to be certain it's right for you both, or is he using it like a carrot/stick situation to get you to have sex with him "now"?

(*By which I mean like taking some of the house/parenting mental load and treating you or like a queen without expectation of anything, not groping you and expecting you to like it)

Tell him the pill is likely causing the lack of sex drive and say you'll try coming off it if he will commit to using condoms 🤷‍♀️

Are you okay? Your replies are starting to sound rather unhinged.

OPs partner needs to support her through this period. Not just think with his dick.

They're not all sex mad either. Perhaps you need to take some time to yourself and calm down 😂

Am I okay? Nice bit of gaslighting there as per your username.

Im perfectly fine thank you.

I think your post was shitty. So i said so. :)

I'd also ask what your boyfriend is doing to get you in the mood. Is he giving you time to relax and have a bath in the evening or do you do all the housework and bedtime with the baby? I agree sex is important but if you're busy raising a child and you're touched out it makes sense you don't want to x

That's not gaslighting 😂

There is nothing wrong with you not wanting sex, and you should never have sex you don't want.
Equally, he should not feel pressure to propose if he feels things are not ok between you.
This may not be the forever you both want.

You shouldn't have to have sex when you don't want to. But equally, most 29 year olds do not want to be in a sexless marriage. I'm a woman and I wouldn't have married someone I had no sexual relationship with at that age. I wouldn't at my current age of 40 neither. Like it or not sex is a fundamental part of romantic relationships for most people.

He's a really good dad and does try his best to give me time to myself but for the last 2 months my son has been really attached to me so it's been hard having time to myself. He wants me to feed him, me to sooth him and me to put him to bed at night, he won't let his dad do any of this. I love all the time I get with him but it is exhausting

Oooh - your sex-mad you are! 😂

Im with you. Im 52, and DP is 45. If either of us developed issues we'd be straight to the GP. We aren't married but if lost his libido for 9 months I wouldn't be marrying him or stay with him tbh, unless he was committed to get serious help to sort it.

Can I gently suggest that this might need addressing too? What happens if for some reason you can't be there?

He's tiny. Let is not a question here. You get to decide.

As for the sex, you absolutely don't have to have sex you don't want.
But equally he doesn't have to be in a relationship without it. You may be mismatched and if you can't find a middle ground, you're probably doomed. Sexless relationships tend towards failure.

These replies are really fucking depressing. Sex is not a service couples give each other (or let's face it women give men). It's something you do together and something you BOTH have to enjoy to make it worth bothering.

OP do you want to want to have sex? That is important. What are the conditions you would need for sex to be enjoyable for you? This is what your partner should be asking you by the way. Not making you feel even less like sex by making the ground beneath your feet shake. But you can ask it yourself anyway.

Doesn’t want the commitment of a marriage (in case it’s sexless or just generally cos he’s a prick?!) but making a human being with you is taken as a lark. What a fucking dick. My tolerance for these men is so low. Take this as a good thing because frankly, who’d want to be married to someone this lacking in kindness and compassion. Leave the bastard.