I am struggling with the relationship with my in-laws and their lack of effort.

[Letthedogsout1]

I am really starting to dislike my in-laws and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not.

Heres the thing, they actively promote this whole we are such a close family, we are amazing but the reality for me feels so different. They will post photos of the breadcrumbs they throw to us.

Last month I was very unwell, bed ridden for almost 2 weeks, then on top of this I had a grandparent die. I could not support my parent during this time and therefore she couldn’t get to say goodbye to her parent. My H has been running about like a mad thing, he’s been amazing and has tried his best. I’ve had friends help with the kids. But his parents, who live 10 minutes away….nothing. This isn’t a shock as they have never called and taken the kids out for a day trip. But I can’t understand this.

I know people will say why didn’t your H ask for help….this is the thing he must be so deeply conditioned that help doesn’t come so why ask. Really why should you need to ask? I have long since bothered to ask them for anything because all I get in return are solutions of how I can do it on our own.

What is this? Am I missing something? They want family and the good times but won’t put in any work? Am I asking too much? My H has never spoken a bad word against them. I can’t fathom a good word to say about them. My parents were completely different from this, they did everything they could whilst they were able. My in-laws are fit and well.

Going forward I don’t know how to engage with them because this has really hurt me.

I don’t take it personally. I have good relationships with many so I don’t think its me. I think they want a relationship but at a distance. I’m not sure if this is because they don’t want to get tied down because they want to do their own thing or because they can’t do emotional relationships. Like you say either way it’s a bit shit, especially for the kids as they being kids Love them. We wont get the relationship we would like. I’m not too sure I like the relationship they can offer because it feels empty and extremely conditional on things I don’t agree with. I find it hard to encourage them because it feels wrong to encourage people who actually hurt you even if unintentional. My H will encourage them to the kids. But the kids do bring it up sometimes that they hardly see them. How can you say yeah they love you but they don’t bother with you…it feels wrong.

Just be honest “oh granny and grandpa are just like that, you know.” And redirect. Don’t let sentimentality make you stupid. Teach your children not to go to an empty well for water.

Why on earth do you care so much? I can understand your DH being upset, but Exactly it’s really disheartening, makes you feel worthless to them is a bit melodramatic from you. These aren’t your parents.

Probably. It’s been a really awful few weeks emotionally and physically. Having the death in the family and being so unwell myself and unable to support my mum with her mums death. I really didn’t think there would be such little support from his family for us. It’s been an eye opener. Having them in such close proximity but a million miles away is just strange.

Disney grandparents

My in laws were the same. My DH told me that after his second child was born his wife had a really tough time with it and he asked his mother if she could occasionally help out and it was a flat no. So he never asked her for anything ever again. My DH passed away ehen our kids were 4 and 6. Again they never offered to help (though they did come for a couple hours to help me go through his clothes) with the kids. That’s just the way it is and I accepted that. As for expecting your in laws to just offer - they won’t. Ask or accept it.

That’s so bad. I’m sorry you had to go through that. We are just unlucky in the in-law department.