I am struggling with the relationship with my in-laws and their lack of effort.

[Letthedogsout1]

I am really starting to dislike my in-laws and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not.

Heres the thing, they actively promote this whole we are such a close family, we are amazing but the reality for me feels so different. They will post photos of the breadcrumbs they throw to us.

Last month I was very unwell, bed ridden for almost 2 weeks, then on top of this I had a grandparent die. I could not support my parent during this time and therefore she couldn’t get to say goodbye to her parent. My H has been running about like a mad thing, he’s been amazing and has tried his best. I’ve had friends help with the kids. But his parents, who live 10 minutes away….nothing. This isn’t a shock as they have never called and taken the kids out for a day trip. But I can’t understand this.

I know people will say why didn’t your H ask for help….this is the thing he must be so deeply conditioned that help doesn’t come so why ask. Really why should you need to ask? I have long since bothered to ask them for anything because all I get in return are solutions of how I can do it on our own.

What is this? Am I missing something? They want family and the good times but won’t put in any work? Am I asking too much? My H has never spoken a bad word against them. I can’t fathom a good word to say about them. My parents were completely different from this, they did everything they could whilst they were able. My in-laws are fit and well.

Going forward I don’t know how to engage with them because this has really hurt me.

Nothing would happen. Yeah I guess he has adapted to this. He reminds me of those autistic memes with the autistic person needing to drive the train and do it alone. He’s like a one man band and really struggles to ask anyone for help. He actually hurt himself in quite a bad accident trying to do something on his own. Even then his parents didn’t visit. It blows my mind. He believes this is love.

The alternative is accepting that his parents don't love him, and that's an incredibly difficult and painful thing to face. Sometimes self-delusion is a survival strategy.

Honestly, speaking as someone who learned early on not to ask for help, I can tell you it's a really hard habit to break.

They may love him and he may feel loved, that’s not for me to say I don’t think. But we as a family, myself and kids do not feel loved certainly. It’s not the kind of love I’ve been shown. It’s quite shameful for him to ask for help whereas I don’t feel this because help has always come when I needed it from my parents.

Yes I can see all sides to this!

Obviously op, your in-laws sound a bit extreme if they have shown no interest in their gc at all; I can understand why you feel upset, but I agree with others that if your son doesn’t ask for help on his behalf (to enable him to support you more) then your in-laws could be hesitant to interfere in case they are labelled intrusive. I’m sure that you would have welcomed a phone call to find out when you were ill though! But are you sure you know what your dh has shared with them?

The other thing I would like to say that, my grandparents and parents were always on hand to help because one of them (the female half of the partnership) didn’t work outside of the home and that had the knock on effect of them (the women) being available to lend a hand when family members were ill, and also it meant that their partners weren’t so exhausted because they had a wife at home cooking them dinner, cleaning and doing laundry etc.

It’s totally different now. Like most women I have combined working and raising a family for just under thirty years and I am shattered! My dh is still working too! We have given our all to our dc who are now young adults and we have been more hands on and parented them for longer than our parents did with us!
So I can relate when people say that they are “done” having raised their own’

So does this mean when your young dc have children you won’t want anything to do with them because you have been there and done that, so don’t want to know them as you too busy having a life now? Because this is effectively what we have been told. We raised our kids so now we want nothing to do with it apart from some high ticket events where we can kind of show we do so others don’t think we don’t. Will you not love those grandkids?

I don't think a relationship with their grandchildren should be conditional on them helping you, no. I understand where you are coming from, but many people do, not unreasonably IMO, feel their later years are for them to enjoy rather than help out with kids once they've already raised theirs. (And I say this as someone with helpful parents, but I wouldn't hold it against them or view it transactionally like this if they weren't.)

But your husband's parents do want to have something to do with his children, it's just that it's on their own terms, and you don't like those terms.

You want them to earn access with what you consider to be 'help.'

The most helpful thing you can do is to meet them where they are. Let them just see the kids on occasions that don't require a lot of input from them. Let these occasions be a positive experience for your kids. It's fine. It is not a hill to die on.

I think you're expecting too much OP. They clearly aren't the sort of people who like to do lots of 'family' stuff and probably feel they've done their bit by raising their own children. Neither of you is wrong, you just have different approaches. It doesn't mean they don't care.

They probably think you keep hassling them unnecessarily 😂

Emergencies aside I’m a big believer in everyone paying for the care they need at both ends of the age spectrum. Then we all know where we stand.
Love is irrelevant. Lots of people don’t like doing childcare, even less I suspect like having the responsibility of elderly parents. I would hate for my parents to commit to regular childcare (it never happened anyway, they quite rightly would rather be booking holidays), it’s not fair on them, and I wouldn’t want to be beholden in the long term. Which nearly always happens!

I don’t want them to earn access by helping us. But why should people get access to children that they have no interest in other then when it suits them. What about my children, what about how they feel? They deserve people in their lives who actually care if they are sick or well or if school is ok, who ask about them. Should they just be made available whenever it suits the others completely on their terms? I’m not saying I would but our kids deserve way more then this.

If my children ever have children of their own (and I hope it's not for a very long time because I'm done with that shit) I'll be happy to visit and help out every so often but tbh I'd rather leave them to it. I wouldn't want to be cajoled into family events every 5 minutes.

OP I wouldn't be providing your kids whenever they want them. Match their energy. I expect your kids will lose interest in them as they get older if there is no real relationship there.

Probably, they probably just want to be left alone…but they can’t have it both ways. They can’t expect to be left to it and then ask for a photo occasion at Christmas, we all turn up best dressed and then they bugger off again. Family is an investment…IMO. I’d rather have the Xmas with my friends who help us.

Perhaps this reflects badly on me but I'd be tempted to refuse to have their photos used on social media.

So are you saying you never hear from them unless they want to take a photo of the children, a photo is taken (5 minutes tops), then the leave after that 5 minutes ?

I honestly don’t see what they’ve done that is so terrible. You didn’t ask for help and didn’t get any. Such is life.

You say they’ve said no previously and just given advice. Any examples other than them not babysitting once so you could go to dinner?

It’s pretty much like that yeah. We might get a …” we will probably go to Sainsbury’s and we might pop in whilst we have a reason to go your way”….then possibly a “sorry we decided to go to Lidl so we won’t be coming now”. Or a message after several months to something along the lines of..”I got this voucher to this place that I’ve been wanting to go to and I need to borrow a child because I will look silly without one”…. It’s always on their terms for something they want.

I wouldn't hesitate to call out their smoke and mirrors publicly, if they're implying on social media or to others that they're always on hand helping out. Just say it. 'Not sure why you thought they were helping - we haven't seen them for months. Luckily my friends have been a fantastic support'. I wouldn't indulge the hypocrisy. All these people rocking up on your thread to say 'they don't have to help' are so funny. Presumably they won't mind either when it's pointed out that they wouldn't help at all even in a crisis.

I think you should ask for help if you need it because they can't read your mind. It's can be very difficult for parents and especially in laws because sometimes if they offer help they re accused in interfering or implying their child/child in law can't cope. But if they don't offer for help they are accused of not caring.

Fair enough, that does sound quite shit 😂

Exactly it’s really disheartening, makes you feel worthless to them that they can’t visit unless it ties in with their plans. If we did the same in return then it wouldn’t really bother them so there is no point matching energy to make any kind of point.

Matching their energy is more for you than to make a point for them. Focus your energy on the relationships that do feel meaningful instead of on people that can't be bothered.

Yeah I know. I find it hard to behave in this manner, I’m a lover not a hater. Makes no sense but I will stop actively pushing for a relationship, even though this idea feels wrong to me.

That's absolutely fine as long as they then don't expect the OP to help them out when they are old.

You don’t have to hate them to drop the rope, to match their energy etc. you just have to adjust your expectations, DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY either, because it’s not.

you’ve done nothing to cause this, this isn’t their punishment or anything of you, it’s just who they are.

they do love their son/gc etc, but they aren’t good at showing it.

you have to grieve for the loss of the relationship you hoped to have and come to terms with the one you have.

i know. It’s shit. But this DOES give you the ability to build the distance so that you don’t get saddled with caring for them. And no, you don’t do the caring for them because of your H, this isn’t your job. They can make the arrangements they need themselves.