I am struggling with the relationship with my in-laws and their lack of effort.

[Letthedogsout1]

I am really starting to dislike my in-laws and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not.

Heres the thing, they actively promote this whole we are such a close family, we are amazing but the reality for me feels so different. They will post photos of the breadcrumbs they throw to us.

Last month I was very unwell, bed ridden for almost 2 weeks, then on top of this I had a grandparent die. I could not support my parent during this time and therefore she couldn’t get to say goodbye to her parent. My H has been running about like a mad thing, he’s been amazing and has tried his best. I’ve had friends help with the kids. But his parents, who live 10 minutes away….nothing. This isn’t a shock as they have never called and taken the kids out for a day trip. But I can’t understand this.

I know people will say why didn’t your H ask for help….this is the thing he must be so deeply conditioned that help doesn’t come so why ask. Really why should you need to ask? I have long since bothered to ask them for anything because all I get in return are solutions of how I can do it on our own.

What is this? Am I missing something? They want family and the good times but won’t put in any work? Am I asking too much? My H has never spoken a bad word against them. I can’t fathom a good word to say about them. My parents were completely different from this, they did everything they could whilst they were able. My in-laws are fit and well.

Going forward I don’t know how to engage with them because this has really hurt me.

I think you've nailed it tbh op; they want family and good times and being able to show you all off, but they don't want any of the drudge work.

Honestly, just match their energy. Is your mum close by? Do you see her a lot?

I think this just about sums it up.

It's not just in-laws either. A surprising amount of people what family and good times and to show off but not to do any of the drudge work.

Your kids have got you and their dad. They don't need anyone else.

And when your in-laws are old and inform, remember this.

Yes I have a good relationship with my mum but her health is deteriorating unfortunately so she needs the help rather then being able to offer anymore.

I feel like we are a burden on them because they have their own plans. I guess this is just who they are. They have completed the task of family once their own kids moved out. I am not used to this because my family were very different. I feel like I’m being a bit of a bitch by not wanting anything to do with them. Should they have free access to grandkids when they don’t support with anything?

Older members of the family don’t exist to make your life easier. I think it’s great they’ve got their own life and aren’t always there. I wish my parents had been more like that. My mum put her life on hold for us and it didn’t feel right. Lower your expectations, stop focussing on what they ARENT doing and continue being a strong family unit

Yeah it’s great they have their own life, no one disputes this. But in an emergency isn’t that when they are “supposed” to show up for a bit? I mean they NEVER show up or show interest in their grandchildren. I feel bad for my kids because their grandparents have no interest in their lives at all.

What happens if they need us one day ….do we do the same?

Ops in-laws are never present and merely use them for photo ops. If this's was happening in your own family George you would likely feel as aggrieved too.

This is on your DH to ask them for help if he needed it. They aren't psychic and may have worried about overstepping or interfering, may not have known properly what was going on.

My mum's parents were like this. When my mum was hospitalised with two very young children (me and my brother) at home, they did nothing at all to help (they were both retired and fit and well). My dad's parents were dead so my dad's uncle and aunt stepped in to help.

Yes, if they need you some day they will have to reap what they sow. Not in a nasty way but just in a "that's life" 🤷‍♀️ kind of way.

They know exactly what is going on, all they ever offer is solutions that me and H can do without them. We have sent in the past very direct messages just incase it’s being lost in communication but get the same response. They have always promoted this do it between yourselves attitude.

My H would never let this happen, he is a soft touch and he doesn’t know any different. He’s very much learned that he’s had to figure out life on his own and it’s normal to him. It’s alien to me, I could never imagine treating my children this way. No amount of “have their own lives” would ever stop me being their for my adult children if they needed me. They aren’t mutually exclusive.

I think some of that generation (like people of all ages to be fair) get addicted to social media. They want the photos, maybe they want to compete with their peers and to be fair they might even genuinely want to "make memories". That will take priority over a more reciprocal relationship through the good times as well as the bad.

Don’t weaponise your children, and make it a transactional relationship.

I never really understood the expectation for in laws or parents to help. Mine didn’t, and it didn’t remotely bother me, but I see on here a lot people do expect it and get very angry if it doesn’t happen.

Expecting help in an acute situation from family that live ten minutes away is not unreasonable
Did your DH specifically ask for help or can you pick kids or drop shopping over?
If he did and they refused you know where you stand
please make your peace with it
my in laws were very similar and it drove me mad - in the end I had to accept that was the situation
They could see their grandchildren as much as they wanted but they couldn’t be bothered quite a lot of the time 🤷‍♀️

But did yous actually show interest in your children? Like call and speak to them, come around and speak to them? Want to spend time with them because they think their grandkids are lovely and special to them? Did they acknowledge they exist? Is it healthy to promote a relationship for my kids with people who have no interest in them, no idea about them, make them feel insignificant?

They won’t change. You and DH have asked for help but they just don’t want to. It’s awful but that’s where you are.

I would definitely pull away emotionally and not be available as and when they want you to be. Only see them if it suits you, no changing plans to accommodate them etc.

I would also start thinking long and hard about the future. You live nearby now but that doesn’t have to be so in 10/15 years. Do not let time drift and end up in a situation where you and DH are expected to care for ILs when they are elderly.

I would love to move to mid-north wales. It is a plan for us later I really hope. By then I don’t think I will have any parents. I could never leave my mum and my eldest would never forgive me. My mum was like a second mum to her when she was young, their bond is too tight. I would care out of responsibility and for my H but it would not be out of love, I think there is the difference. My eldests face lights up when she sees nanny.

You don't have to block access to your kids but don't change your plans round them. If they want to see them and it isn't convenient say no. That isn't weaponising your children anymore than they are weaponising their lack of) support for you when you need it.

They aren't doing anything wrong per se but you can match their energy as I said. They only want to see you when it suits them. You can agree to see them only when it suits you. That isn't weaponising anything or tit for tat or whatever else people say.

Fwiw, I have an "only when it suits us" relationship with my in laws too and we get along great as a result. No unmet expectations from either of us.

But how do they know you need help if you don't ask? They may not want to just turn up and offer help that might not be wanted or be considered interfering. There are so many posts on here about interfering in laws, I can understand a reluctance in butting in. And it doesn't sound as if you like them much which would also be a deterrent.

Sometimes a light bulb moment changes things.
Now you know they aren't arsed then stop giving them your time and headspace.
Leave them to dh.
When I had one of my dc my then dh went to work as usual. My dm had dc1 and dc2..
Dm fell and broke her leg on the school run.
I collected them with a 6 hour baby in the pram .
Ils lived in the school's street and didn't offer .
I stopped giving a shit after that.

They knew my friends were stepping in and looking after their grandchildren…they know. It’s not something scientific or hard to comprehend. When the shit hits the fan you just act, there’s no time for nonsense.

I have started matching the energy of my parents - basically I don’t go out of my way to make opportunities for them to see my kids. Once I started doing that it really became obvious that any time spent together had to be initiated by me.

Why that’s the case, I don’t know, but they were extremely hands off parents from a young age (I cooked, cleaned, washed my uniform, packed my lunch from KS1 age) so I guess they’re not going to be any different as grandparents.

The thing is your in laws won’t change or acknowledge why they don’t care, so there’s no point putting any effort into the relationship over and above what they do.

I would lean hard into the do it between yourselves. When they have a hospital appointment -they can ring a taxi. When they need some DIY doing -get a painter and decorator. They are having problems with their internet then oh well 🤷‍♀️. Don’t give them any head space, time or effort

Sorry for your loss

Yes I have always been the one messaging saying do you want to come here, do you want to meet out. Trying to create situations because it felt like the right thing to do. I don’t want my kids to know their grandparents don’t care. But that’s just made me stupid and given them opportunities to cover their lack of bother. People show you who they are if you let them…which has been quite sad.

To be honest they are like this anyway. There is no real connection with them, they are super independent. Don’t want help, don’t want emotional support…so I guess it’s no surprise they don’t offer it either. They are completely disconnected from other humans really on any level.