I am struggling with the relationship with my in-laws and their lack of effort.

[Letthedogsout1]

I am really starting to dislike my in-laws and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not.

Heres the thing, they actively promote this whole we are such a close family, we are amazing but the reality for me feels so different. They will post photos of the breadcrumbs they throw to us.

Last month I was very unwell, bed ridden for almost 2 weeks, then on top of this I had a grandparent die. I could not support my parent during this time and therefore she couldn’t get to say goodbye to her parent. My H has been running about like a mad thing, he’s been amazing and has tried his best. I’ve had friends help with the kids. But his parents, who live 10 minutes away….nothing. This isn’t a shock as they have never called and taken the kids out for a day trip. But I can’t understand this.

I know people will say why didn’t your H ask for help….this is the thing he must be so deeply conditioned that help doesn’t come so why ask. Really why should you need to ask? I have long since bothered to ask them for anything because all I get in return are solutions of how I can do it on our own.

What is this? Am I missing something? They want family and the good times but won’t put in any work? Am I asking too much? My H has never spoken a bad word against them. I can’t fathom a good word to say about them. My parents were completely different from this, they did everything they could whilst they were able. My in-laws are fit and well.

Going forward I don’t know how to engage with them because this has really hurt me.

In all honesty, spend your time and emotional energy on your own Mum. Foster that relationship that she has with your dc.

With your ILs, drop the rope. Match their energy and commitment. It’s sad for your DH but it is the only way. Otherwise, you will tie yourself up in knots trying to work out why they behave in the way that they do.

Take some control of the situation and redefine your boundaries.

Perhaos, this weekend, get your calendar out and make sure you have all your work, school, family commitments on there for the whole of November and December. Then choose a handful of dates and times that you would be agreeable to seeing ILs. Double check with DH and then agree how this will be communicated.

They're allowed to live their own lives, and make their own plans. They're independent people. They've done childcare - they want to enjoy life.
Crucially, if you need help, the normal thing is to ask....otherwise, everyone round you will assume you're fine.
Imagine the opposite, OP, where they're constantly coming round to your house and breathing down your neck - horrific!

You cannot control how they behave, and you cannot make them grandparent in the way you think they should, so the only unreasonable thing here is you winding yourself up about it, which I know is a hard thing to sit with. It doesn't mean they're behaving well. But as I've got older I've realised that a lot of people have children, realise they don't actually like being parents, do what they have to until their children reach adulthood and move out, and then wash their hands of anything to do with children. We've got 2 lots of unhelpful grandparents here. Learned to be self reliant and resilient v early on, including through serious illness and multiple operations, DH working abroad etc. You're not alone.

The only thing you can do is accept them for who they are and put the same energy into the relationship that they do.

Surely their is a middle ground, some flexibility in this “arrangement”. People can have their own plans but be flexible if something takes priority for a bit. I don’t understand what you are saying tbh.

I also think that social media causes enormous problems here, as in many other parts of life, because online identity and performance is massively important to some people. Hence wanting to use grandchildren to make content they can post online for likes whilst having no interest in them otherwise.

I know. This is not what was on the front cover of the book. They talk a good talk, especially to others but they are completely different. But then perhaps to them this is a completely normal model of a family. It is defo one that they promote, do it all as if we were dead. Although they have brothers and sisters with kids who are very much doting and hands on grandparents so they know they don’t bother and they know an alternative. It is what it is and we won’t get any different no matter what.

We have the same. Resentment is a horrible feeling, my partner feels it (probably because it's his mum) but I'm so much happier now I've managed to let it go. I do match her energy and just make sure she doesn't get to just take over the big ticket days like Christmas or birthdays and I've stopped letting her demand visits from us. It's a shame but it's probably what's stopping the resentment and it's a more balanced relationship.

This is what boils my blood….they “know” what the family want to see of them. They want extended family to think they show up. I hate to be used like this and it’s all a lie. But I have to accept this is what it is.

But they aren't bothered about you @Letthedogsout1

They don't want to flex and tbh, they don't have to. Such is life.

They don't want to be involved and you have to let them make this choice.

They want to be distant grandparents.

Let them.

Make other arrangements, as you have already done.

You are right. Very sad, our kids are fabulous to know, such a blessing.

The thing is, do you know for sure the relatives are hands on? (I'm not saying you don't, as obviously I don't know your situation. But they may appear hands on and not be in reality, just as your in-laws are).

My own mother fishes for information about my children (from me) which I know damn well she only wants so she can pretend to other people that there's a relationship there when in reality there isn't.

I just have to let it go. I don't always succeed. But there's nothing else I can do.

This.

I think you are being a bit unfair OP.
X

Oh no they really are. Some live with parents and kid’s altogether, family holiday, childcare etc. I’ve met the aunties and uncles and are all lovely and warm… you can tell when the cousins have good relationships with their grandparents.

Stop minimizing this! Do you think if Daughter in law was hospitalized for two weeks a normal family wouldn’t step up to help? Do you think when a normal parent found out that DIL’s grandparent was dying and her mother was dick a normal GP wouldn’t offer to help with the grandchildren do that OP’s DH could either look after her or help his MIL say goodbye to her parent? These are normal, human, gestures that people make for friends snd strangers let slone son, DIL, snd grandchildren.

I think I'd have to tell them they are taking a very brave approach, because if you and your husband do what they do in a few years' time, they are absolutely fucked.

They are who they are and won't change. So the only person you are hurting by getting upset about them is you. You can't control how they behave, only your reaction to it.

Drop the rope and match their energy. Let your DH deal with them however he pleases. But you don't have to make time for them in your life.

I think families come with a culture of asking for help, or one where help is offered. If you are from one, the other can be a challenge to deal with.
I'm from an asking for family. My MiL offering what she sees as help and I see as interfering has caused issues. You have the opposite issue here.

It’s so complicated. I come from a family who loved their children and their grandchildren, who’ve always just made an effort. Not even an effort they just loved what they created.

My parents love me, but they have their own lives and raised me to be independent. If I ask for help, they'll drop everything and come. But they assume im coping ok if not.
MiL assumes we can't cope without her help, its a whole different family dynamic and either is wrong.
But if you ask and they are still unhelpful, that a whole other issue.

That is the issue, that’s the whole thread. We have asked for help and get told solutions of how we don’t need help and can do it without help.

We don’t need help everyday, I haven’t said this. We don’t need and have never asked for childcare. Well that’s a lie we did ask for help on my big birthday to watch kids so we could have a dinner but that was a no you need to take the kids with. Never asked for school help or anything. My partners chose to be in our lives. They chose to help when I went back to work to look after the kids some days. They love their grandkids and being in their lives. Too many family’s are so distant now.

It’s so hard but ultimately you have to protect your sanity. They will never change.
My in-laws are incredibly difficult & DH had a troubled childhood - stuff that would be a safeguarding concern now. They are still so difficult & v manipulative & selfish. Mine was the polar opposite. He can take that step back to protect himself & his sanity whereas I find it harder as I know if it were my parents I’d act differently.

Yes it’s hard when you know different. This in my eyes isn’t love. Leaving your adult son to suffer, but it’s the love he knows so he doesn’t question it. Maybe he does deep down, he never says anything and I don’t say anything to him.

Yep - some people are like this.

If you come from a close and loving family it’s really hard to fathom these shallower, low effort relationships. They always want the “show” though.

I would accept that this is how they are and you can’t change them, and lower your expectations.

Your people are good, decent people, they are not. Hopefully your DH appreciates the difference and behaves accordingly.

His parents are the type that will want him to buy them a car/house and you to do the caring of them when they are older. Be prepared to hold your ground here.

What would happen if he did question it? What would change? Would they suddenly see the error of their ways and become completely different people? Or would it just cause upset that in the end, didn't change anything for the better?

When you grow up with parents like this, you learn the hard way what you can and cannot ask for and usually very early on. He's been dealing with this for a lot longer than you have and he's found a way to cope.

Fwiw plenty of parents don't love their children and treat them accordingly. We don't need to pretend that love exists when it doesn't.

It's up to DH what he does. But you can certainly adapt your own response.