Second Date - he's suggested a very expensive restaurant

[HelenHywater]

On our first date, we also went out for dinner, and I suggested we split the bill. (I would always expect to pay half). He was surprised and said that no woman had ever suggested that before and he always paid. I insisted and we split it. Now he's suggested a restaurant for the second date which is way more than I'd usually pay - he has a higher paying job than I do. And also it's only a second date so not worth of £100 a head in my view! Is there a way I can respond which is asking him if he's paying or maybe I just say, I can't stretch to that can we go somewhere cheaper? What do you think?

I would very much hate this. It is not second date territory for the mere mortals. If he's suggesting such a restaurant then he should also have, in the same breath said it was a gift, which I probably would have accepted, but still would have felt uncomfortable about, so it would not have been a good idea for me. When I was dating I was firm about the 50/50 split. Even if I came to realise over the first drink (if he bought it), that there was not going to be a second date, I would still buy the next round (and I would drink it quickly!). I grew up in a feminist environment during the 70's and 80s, when there was a lot of backlash against the old fashioned notion that he paid either because I couldn't or becuase he was paying in advance for soemthing. Maybe those ideas are no longer relevent, but it's within that context that I would reply with something along the lines of commenting that the restaurant looks nice, but that I like to keep things 50/50 and in that context suggest this other restaurant instead. It's early days and you're letting each other know who you are at this point, so it's best to be honest.

I can't stretch to that can we go somewhere cheaper

In your own words, say this. This is a good time to be honest with him, don't start arranging yourself around what you think he wants from you. Be yourself. Say no, and his reaction to that no will tell you a lot about him that you'd be otherwise spending months finding out.

I think this sounds manipulative, like you’re angling for him to say, ‘My treat’, and you’re basically asking him to pay.

For now, while it’s still early days, it’s fine to say, ‘That's a little out of my budget. How about {reasonably priced option}? I’ve been wanting to try their falafel/monkfish/oysters/pizza for ages.

Daddy Warbucks - he's the billionaire who takes in Annie in the film Annie.
One of my favourite films as a kid and I'm quite old too 😁

I wouldn't suggest a change of place but would just clarify if he's paying. I would just reject him altogether if actually wanted you to pay your half. That shows poor judgment and optics on his part, to assume that you'd be willing to pay for £100+ meal on a second date.

It might not be hushed and formal - price point doesn't tell you anything about the atmosphere in a restaurant. The place he's suggested might be really lively and buzzy. It's also not going to be ultra-high-end if it's about £100 per head - you don't get fine dining at that price in 2026!

Why should OP pretend that she can’t afford it when she can? She obviously worked hard to earn a good salary and shouldn’t diminish herself. OP, there’s nothing wrong with telling him that you basically don’t want to invest that much on a second date.

I have a friend like this. Always books expensive restaurants. Eats more than me so I don't go anymore.
Last month she booked Cote in Sloane Square. £100 each. I declined. She's a millionaire.

Sorry I posted too soon. My father always made me go with the money for my dinner and taxi even if the chap said he was paying
These days i'd be blunt. 'Are you paying, seems quite spendy?'.

Sure, the fact that a man invites a woman to a nice restaurant must mean he's a wrong'un.

Yes, "looks lovely but seems a bit over the top for a second date. How about <insert nearby restaurant with good reviews but less expensive> instead?"

Be honest, as you’d expect anyone to be with you. If he doesn’t agree with you, that’s a result. If he does, that’s a result too. Both outcomes inform you of the person. Date 2, as you said, still getting to know him and likewise. I’d appreciate the honesty

Not necessarily. He may want to see if the OP is financially compatible and will reject them if that's not the case.

I'd just enjoy myself here. I would go and I would let him pay.

I would probably then suggest a nice autumnal walk in the park and a takeaway coffee and bacon sandwich for date 3 (and I'd pay for that!).

It's not about pretending. You don't need to lay out your life achievements to a stranger on a second date or to 'prove' anything to a stranger.

"It looks lovely, but I like to pay my way and that's a bit beyond my means for general meal out. Can we pick somewhere a bit more casual?"

That would be quite clever than!

He might just prefer to eat nice food. No big conspiracy. Personally I don't want to eat somewhere that I could cooker better at home.

Oh ffs

just say that sounds nice but it's beyond my budget this month

then shut up. See what he says

I think it is very relevant that he made a comment that no woman he has ever been out with before had insisted on splitting a bill.

What century has he been living in?

Tell him its out of your price range and suggest a couple of alternatives that are within your budget.

I think this approach is the most honest and straightforward. OP has said that she can afford it but doesn’t want to. If the date is more the type to enjoy spending his money and OP is more thrifty type, this is a good thing to be clear about early on as they may not be compatible.

Don’t make up stuff about the menu. Say it’s a little out of your budget and suggest something else.

He may just decide to pay the whole thing. Best to establish what you can afford from now

Exactly. A first date should be something like a coffee in the daytime. If you aren't likely to click, you can leave.

I wouldn't want to be in a restaurant trying to make conversation with someone I don't or barely know, and I wouldn't be relaxed enough to enjoy the food.
Plus, if he was dreadful, it would be difficult to make my excuses and leave.