Second Date - he's suggested a very expensive restaurant

[HelenHywater]

On our first date, we also went out for dinner, and I suggested we split the bill. (I would always expect to pay half). He was surprised and said that no woman had ever suggested that before and he always paid. I insisted and we split it. Now he's suggested a restaurant for the second date which is way more than I'd usually pay - he has a higher paying job than I do. And also it's only a second date so not worth of £100 a head in my view! Is there a way I can respond which is asking him if he's paying or maybe I just say, I can't stretch to that can we go somewhere cheaper? What do you think?

That's annoying. So as soon as he clocks that you're happy to go halves, he starts suggesting top end restaurants.

I dated a guy like that once, and he took it as a sign that he could start asking me for money and handouts.

I'm different to most people in that I absolutely HATE being treated and paid for. I like to pay my own way. But if I knew I couldn't afford it, I'd say so. You can't be getting into debt over some food.

I would say, It’s a bit posh for me. I would only go to a top restaurant for a special birthday tbh. I find it a waste of money even if I can afford it. I would always tell the truth otherwise you will have this problem again next time.

I prefer a walk and a coffee these days so if you are not into top restaurants and lots of eating out I would make that clear now. Maybe you are not compatible.

This is easy. Just say “it looks lovely but it’s a bit expensive for me I’m afraid, can we go somewhere else?”

Actually yeah this might be an attempt to manipulate you into letting him pay if you say it's not in your budget.

Ignore my previous post, just say you'd prefer something a bit more casual for a second date, then suggest somewhere well-reviewed but cheaper.

Just tell him the truth. A relationship should be built on that and trust!
If he's a good man he will take it all in his stride and actually worthy of a second date.
He's probably just really keen to impress.

I think this is a perfect and lighthearted way to put it which gives him the option of either deciding on something cheaper or offering to pay the bill.

I really want to know if he intends to pay!

I went out with a guy who i really liked but it was casual thing. he told me a story very early on about his Ibiza trip and how drinks were £60 each but he didn’t mind ‘because it’s Ibiza isn’t it?’
I was not convinced by his logic , but carried on seeing him anyway because it was good sex 🤣
the more i got to know him the less attractive i found him , largely because of his profligate attitude to spending, it actually became shocking and disgusting.
Slight thread derail, my point being,if you’re financially mismatched early on or financial attitudes are wildly different it might become a big problem later on when you’re more involved, so it’s better to have these discussions early on and just be honest, say it’s out of your price range, especially for just a second date and if he insists on paying you can say that you’re not comfortable with him spending that on you when you’re still virtual strangers.
of he’s telling the truth then it sounds like he’s used to being the one to pay, it gives an insight into his world, attitudes and expectations of his potential partners

I dated a corporate lawyer when I was a student midwife (so very different budgets 😂).

It was fairly obvious that we didn’t earn the same amount so we took it in turns to choose where to go and the person who chose paid. He would have paid for me every time but that wasn’t a dynamic I was comfortable with, so we found a way that worked for both of us (he wanted to go to nice restaurants and bars sometimes, I was happy to cook or put effort into finding fun affordable options when it was my turn).

It required an upfront and honest conversation early on, but that was actually a good starting point for the relationship anyway.

I dont know what that Daddy Warbucks reference is....but I am old. Just say you'd prefer cheap and cheerful.

Yes agreed.

Then it's up to him to say my treat or agree to change somewhere more reasonable.
X

Just say, ‘’I’m happy to go wherever you want to, but as it’s an expensive place then I can’t afford to pay a lot unfortunately, so either you’ll have to foot the entire bill, I’ll agree to pay £X towards the bill but no more, or we can go somewhere a bit more reasonably priced. How about X restaurant instead?’’

If he’s the one who wants to go, he can pay at least most of the bill. He’s the one that has suggested it. It doesn’t have to be difficult to communicate how you feel.

Could you suggest an activity instead of dinner? Second dates don’t need to be expensive as it could go terribly compared to the first!

Make it clear that such an expensive restaurant on a second date is too much and make an alternative suggestion. Simple!

This is as difficult as you wish to make it.

100% this

Why not just be honest and say you'd prefer to go somewhere a bit more casual while you're getting to know each other. Part of finding out if he's suitable for you or not is surely seeing how he reacts in these kind of circumstances. And him giving consideration to what you want should be a major thing to be looking for surely.

Personally I wouldn't want to be going out to dinner all the time. I'd like to meet the guy in different situations. Why not suggest something you'd enjoy doing that's within your price range?

had a very similar situation early on in my relationship with now husband. I said the restaurant looks great but is out of my price range, he said he suggested it because he wanted to take me there 🤷‍♀️ so we went and had a lovely time

My personal feeling is you have had 1 dinner date, so the 2nd date should be something different- maybe a walk, visiting a city etc.

Two similar dates are one-dimensional.

Do you have mutual interests? Countryside? Sport? Art galleries?

A repeat dinner date is not going to show you much more about him.

Why not suggest a different date?

It sounds like he's calling all the shots rather than asking what you'd like to do.

Are you sure he isn't playing you? The cost of the restaurant will go up and up until you reach a stage where he can play the white knight and pick up the whole tab and prove what a great man he is. This is a power grab, I'm pretty sure.

There's a big red flag waving here to me.

This is perfect. Although I would add a suggestion of a more casual place. Mainly because I find it really annoying when people say they don’t like my suggestion but do not have a single one of their own. (Yes husband and teenagers I am talking to you!)

?

Maybe he just likes fine dining.

I love a fancy meal so even if he’s not 3rd date material go and enjoy the food!

I'd be completely honest. Because his response to that will dictate whether he's the kind of person you EVER want to spend that much money with.

"I love it there, the menu is amazing, but it's a bit full on for a second date. Can we meet somewhere more relaxed and focus on getting to know each other and enjoying each other's company? How about (insert your choice of restaurant) or (give him another so he gets the idea)?"

It establishes that you can afford it, you'd just rather not.

And what if he expects her to go halves and it's super awkward and embarrassing? No, have the conversation first.