Second Date - he's suggested a very expensive restaurant

[HelenHywater]

On our first date, we also went out for dinner, and I suggested we split the bill. (I would always expect to pay half). He was surprised and said that no woman had ever suggested that before and he always paid. I insisted and we split it. Now he's suggested a restaurant for the second date which is way more than I'd usually pay - he has a higher paying job than I do. And also it's only a second date so not worth of £100 a head in my view! Is there a way I can respond which is asking him if he's paying or maybe I just say, I can't stretch to that can we go somewhere cheaper? What do you think?

This.
Direct, no confusion.

“That’s a little expensive for me, I’d normally only pay that much for a special occasion. Shall we go somewhere a bit more affordable this time?”

I would say “Maybe I will let it be your treat this time haha” and see what he says. But I’m not such a strict “we all pay equally, everything split down the middle” person, so 🤷‍♀️

All of these suggestions saying....'xxx, can we go somewhere more casual this time?' still gives him the power when you are framing it as a question.

I'd say more like.... 'This is a bit out of my price bracket at the moment, let's try xxxxx or xxxxx instead'

Just be upfront. Just say you can only really splash out for somewhere this lovely if it’s a special occasion. If her offers to pay this time just get the next one at a more reasonable place.

“Gosh amazing choice - it looks absolutely lovely for a special treat. I’d prefer to be more casual this time and try Smith and Co if that works for you?”

I'm wondering if he's now opted for the more expensive fancier restaurant thinking he only has to pay for his...

A second date isn't a special occasion. Just say no, you aren't interested in paying £100 for an every day meal.

Be honest with him. Say that's more than you are comfortable spending on food. He will either offer to pay or agree on somewhere else.

If you say you dislike the menu he will pick somwhere else expensive.

See I feel my response would be a little different here. I like to keep finances private and so for a second date I wouldn't want to reveal my "affordability". Is there a way we can get him to confirm that such a suggestion would be his treat? Maybe saying how it's a lovely place but you would usually save something like this for special occasions and suggest a few places that you would be more comfortable with. He then has the option to go for one of your ideas or take the pressure off by saying it's on him.

I suspect he's gone for a fancier place as he earns a bit more and on a second date wants to go somewhere that's more the kind of place he'd go given his salary.

I think on a first date ,he can pay and you the next time maybe? Anyway this time I would maybe say Its a little dear for you.Maybe he pays and you next time as above PP said .

Yes this.

If he’s a higher earner then this is going to be a frequent issue. So you may as well see how it goes with him paying.

I think forcing someone to repeatedly go to ‘cheap’ options when they can afford it and are willing to pay is very annoying.

It’s only the second date so no pressure either way to do this. But if you decide to stay together then I do think it’s something you will just have to graciously accept.

My point being may as well find a way to do that from the get go - than make it awkward.

This!!

"I prefer more casual places to eat out, I'm not a big fan of high end places other than for special occasions, so could we meet in the middle somewhere to have dinner this time?"

Some of the cynicism on this thread is so depressing. It's entirely possible that he just likes nice restaurants, he enjoyed his first date with you so he thought he would like a meal in a nice restaurant with you! I had a second date in a restaurant in this sort of price bracket once, we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary this year. Not everything is a red flag.

Do you actually want to go to that restaurant, irrespective of price? If you do, I'm with those who have suggested just an honest "It's a bit out of my price bracket" and then accept if he says he's happy for it to be his treat. You can always offer to treat him next time (if there is a next time) and choose somewhere with pricing that suits your budget.

What you said in your opening post is perfect. ”I can't stretch to that, can we go somewhere cheaper?”

How are you arranging the second date? If you're still conversing over messages then yes this is difficult to sort. It's much easier to discuss this type of issue over the phone. I agree with other posters who are saying he is potentially setting his stall out now by choosing a fancy restaurant but the same applies if you tell him you want to go someone cheaper. Is that really the case? Or are you happy to go to higher end restaurants and let him pay? I wouldn't have a problem with this if he is a high earner and it sounds from what you said that he doesn't either. There is nothing wrong with a man treating a woman to dinner - I think it's rather romantic and lovely. So anyway, try to engineer a phone call and chat. In my experience most men tend to be very pragmatic and less emotional about these things.

This.

Actually now reminds me of when I met my exh who was was much higher earner. He suggested the we alternate eating so he would pay when we went out got dinner and I would provide the food and wine when cooking at my house. Worked out really well because there was a big mismatch in wealth.
Not such s differevcd with current boyfriend although I do have higher income than him, but as he is a fantastic cook (ex chef😃) and I don’t really enjoy cooking any more, he cooks at his house and I pay about 2/3 of our dinners out.

I went to a restaurant on a first date once and the guy asked me what did I want to drink and I inadvertently picked a drink that was really expensive. He paid. I said, I didn’t realise it was so much and he said, Yes you did! He had the lifestyle where he always wanted to eat out in fancy restaurants and that wasn’t my thing. Best to find out early on.

I wouldn't have gone for a meal for a first date, or second one, but I'd word the reply with something like:

Shall we do something more informal? We could go to [fancy restaurant] when we've got to know each better. How about we go to [some activity/venue/location] instead?