Mother does not respect boundaries

[ALittleBitAlexislalala]

My mother will not ever tell us when she is planning on visiting. She has a long history of just turning up whenever she wants, even when I just had my baby! I told her that we wanted to have time as a family to get to know our baby and she booked a flight to arrive 10 days after I had the baby, without waiting for an invitation. They live in uk and we have lived abroad for years. Once she came to visit with my father and finally told me what date she was flying in on but didn't tell me for how long. They stayed for 3 and a half weeks and my husband was starting to get irritated by them. They massively overstayed their welcome! I love them but it's hard having them in our own space for such a long time, they are messy, they leave teabags and food half covered by kitchen roll and newspapers all lying around. My mum is very difficult and goes off in huffs every time she visits. She criticises everything about our house and cooking. How's the pesto? Not enough salt or garlic etc.

Our son happens to share his birthday with her, it's this week, she told me she wasn't coming. My dad text me to say she had fallen out with him and now doesn't feel comfortable coming here with him. Then yesterday I got a text from her saying hello with a pic she's sent me of a hotel they stay in en route to here, so they are obviously on their way here driving. Why can't she just say we are coming? We want to come from 20th for 6 days or whatever? When they stayed such a long time last time, I said to her that we had enjoyed their stay but it was too long. Well she told me that family don't have to have an invitation or a limit, "we wouldnt mind you just turning up to our house because you're family". I told her that it's common courtesy to give people dates when you're planning on visiting them but she thinks she can do as she pleases.

My brother has been NC with her for years because of her behaviour. My husband is really annoyed now before they've even arrived. It spoils what should be a happy lead up to my son's birthday and when I say anything to her she has a tantrum. They're in their late 70s so this has been going on for decades.

They came to DS party almost 1.5 hours late. My mother ignored me and walked past me to say hi to a couple of my friends. My dad grabbed my head, I was sitting down, in an awkward hug and kissed the top of my head and said hi. They then sat at the end of the table and drank water which my friends offered them. My dad got up to go to the bathroom and briefly stopped beside me and said good cake. Then when my ILs had left, they got up to leave too. My dad came over to me and said bye my name. I was giving the kids some juice. My mother came up nearby and said goodbye children then she paused and said goodbye my name I didn't even look at her.

She called me yesterday and asked if we needed anything or any help for the party and I said no. Then she asked if we were going to invite them to our house for a meal. I said no because we didn't know you were coming, it's a holiday here so we can't just go and get supplies now, the supermarkets are closed til Tuesday. That's why she ignored me at the party, because I didn't bow to her demand.

I heard my friend asking her how long they are here for and she was evasive, we're not sure yet, then he asked when are you heading back I might see you before you leave and she said we're not here for long.

What a waste of time.

You are doing so well, standing up to her!!!

You and your husband have zero boundaries and this is why this has continued.
It's awful modelling for your child, who clearly sees the behaviour of your mother and has remarked upon it.
It's more than tiresome, its damaging to you all.

Your child will recall this behaviour for the rest of his life as it will have sent him the message that such behaviour is to be tolerated.
Your parents or his have zero respect for any of you.
They respect your brother who has boundaries and has laid them down.

People like all 4 batshit parents behave like this because they all have personality disorders that have gone unchallenged.

I can never understand in such threads how OP's don't understand the intergenerational damage done to their children by sending the message such behaviour in those around you is to be tolerated.

They are also using your son to get back at you. They don’t respect him either. If they did they would not turn up 90 minutes late to his birthday party. Your dad is her all too willing enabler and secondary abuser . He cannot be relied upon either and he will
throw your under the bus to save his own skin. Drop the rope here and grieve instead for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Maybe they turned up late to give the in laws some time alone with the grandson

Or they were undecided whether to turn up at all due to OP’s coldness towards them.

She does it because she can. Thats also on you.