Mother does not respect boundaries

[ALittleBitAlexislalala]

My mother will not ever tell us when she is planning on visiting. She has a long history of just turning up whenever she wants, even when I just had my baby! I told her that we wanted to have time as a family to get to know our baby and she booked a flight to arrive 10 days after I had the baby, without waiting for an invitation. They live in uk and we have lived abroad for years. Once she came to visit with my father and finally told me what date she was flying in on but didn't tell me for how long. They stayed for 3 and a half weeks and my husband was starting to get irritated by them. They massively overstayed their welcome! I love them but it's hard having them in our own space for such a long time, they are messy, they leave teabags and food half covered by kitchen roll and newspapers all lying around. My mum is very difficult and goes off in huffs every time she visits. She criticises everything about our house and cooking. How's the pesto? Not enough salt or garlic etc.

Our son happens to share his birthday with her, it's this week, she told me she wasn't coming. My dad text me to say she had fallen out with him and now doesn't feel comfortable coming here with him. Then yesterday I got a text from her saying hello with a pic she's sent me of a hotel they stay in en route to here, so they are obviously on their way here driving. Why can't she just say we are coming? We want to come from 20th for 6 days or whatever? When they stayed such a long time last time, I said to her that we had enjoyed their stay but it was too long. Well she told me that family don't have to have an invitation or a limit, "we wouldnt mind you just turning up to our house because you're family". I told her that it's common courtesy to give people dates when you're planning on visiting them but she thinks she can do as she pleases.

My brother has been NC with her for years because of her behaviour. My husband is really annoyed now before they've even arrived. It spoils what should be a happy lead up to my son's birthday and when I say anything to her she has a tantrum. They're in their late 70s so this has been going on for decades.

After the hotel pic you should have text back that you were away and if only she had made proper arrangements.

Ha ha, if only! She would just rock up at our house or my son's school. Infuriating!

At the very least I'd make sure I'm out when they arrive and make them wait around for a few hours.

Otherwise I think you have to sit her down and tell her categorically that she cannot just turn up or announce a visit at short notice. If she does she cannot stay and will have to find a hotel.

I'm sure it's not easy and you sound like you don't want to upset her but she's not bothered about upsetting you by ignoring your wishes.

Well to be fair, you don’t seem to have any boundaries.

Message her saying sorry they can’t stay at yours at the moment, here’s a link to local hotels.

Then don’t answer the door.

You have to actually have a boundary!!!

That's likely because I'm prepping for the birthday and his party at the weekend, baking cakes etc. and still need to go shopping for presents etc. DH has said tonight, I have to say something to her, she can't just keep doing this. He's annoyed because his parents are also coming, so their visits will coincide and my son does favour my parents over his, so DH is probably thinking his parents will miss out on time with DS.

I’d be so tempted to book a trip away. Send your mother a picture back of you 3 with your suitcases!

Then she's even worse if she knows your in laws are coming. You haven't said whether they stay with you.

As a minimum I would make sure some time is carved out with your in laws that your own parents are not invited to.

I would be livid with you if I were your DH. Find your backbone!

@Woojihoon so true she isn't worried about upsetting us!

@Skybluecoat I've told her that they have to let us know when they're coming, for how long etc. for years. She just won't do it.

They know when the party is and where etc. If they just appear there, am I meant to ignore them?

They sometimes stay in a hotel or rent an apartment. I am conscious of their age and I do want to see them but I want them to simply tell us their plans in advance instead of all this sneaking around and now drama over it.

@Rothburypixie tempting but DS is still at school

@Woojihoon no they also stay in a hotel, not with us

I completely agree that when she comes to visit should be agreed in advance.

But in people used to be more relaxed generally, not always thinking about "boundaries"

So they aren’t staying with you? In that case make plans to do lots of things that don’t involve them and say it’s because she didn’t tell you she was coming. Definitely see DH parents without yours.

If you keep accommodating her she will keep behaving like this.

That's fine @Mixerfixer but she has been told an infinite number of times that we need to know when she's coming and for how long but she just won't do it, she dances to her own tune.

She's been know to text, fancy a sundowner, or fancy dinner tonight? then a pic of a hotel she's staying in nearby...

Your brother has the right idea. Time to be more like him.

@Skybluecoat well I did not invite them to stay with us! I didn't even know they were coming until yesterday. They have stayed in our house before but usually book a hotel or an apartment if they're staying for longer. True, she's like a late 70s toddler!

@SilverPink he just cannot deal with her at all. I feel sorry for her as much as I love her but if she weren't my mother I wouldn't want to spend any length of time with her, which is sad. I can manage small doses...

At least they’re staying in a hotel rather than your house. I’d be very clear that you need a plan and you can’t see them every day, perhaps they can visit more of the country you’re in? Can they take your child on days out so you can have some down time?

Why do you feel sorry for her?. She’s given you no consideration at all and she’s not changed an iota since your own childhood. She’s using you people as a doormat to wipe her feet on. Your husband rightly is fed up with her and her also messy enabler husband.

Deal with your fear, obligation and guilt towards her in therapy. Ultimately you are going to need to do what our brother has done ie no contact.

You are a huge part of the problem as you are allowing your mother to dictate. Telling her to plan and let you know in advance is not working. You have let her get away with it too many times and she knows you will still entertain her. Your husband has been hugely impacted and now his parents too.
You should vastly reduce any time spent with your parents. Her failure to take on board your request should have consequences.

Stop putting them ahead of your husband. Decide who is more important your mother or husband. Up to now it has been your mother.
Find your backbone and respect for your own family unit.

Have you ever got really cross with her and told her that her entitled and selfish behaviour is unacceptable? There seem to be absolutely no negative consequences for her, so why should she change? She sounds like one of the monstrous female characters in a Jilly Cooper novel who thinks that everyone adores her when really nobody can stand her.

It also seems unfair on your DH's parents who obviously play second fiddle to your family. It would have been nice for your PILs to have time with your children without your mum stealing their thunder.

They know when and where the party is. Who told them?

Keep her busy - babysitting, baking, setting up the party, going to the supermarket. It’s the way I deal with mine. You’re not going to change them now but having them in a hotel or air BnB, making her do stuff - and tell her, don’t asked her - ‘I need you to butter the rolls/vacuum the downstairs/go to the supermarket for ham/babysit…’ will keep her occupied and tire her out.

Please don’t give any allowance for her age. I am also in my 7Os. If I behaved like this to my children they would not let me stay or visit.

Honestly I would say you are all very unwell D&V and bed bound. I would refuse to let her in. Shes not going to learn otherwise!

Your answer to these questions is ‘No, I am busy!’