Mother does not respect boundaries

[ALittleBitAlexislalala]

My mother will not ever tell us when she is planning on visiting. She has a long history of just turning up whenever she wants, even when I just had my baby! I told her that we wanted to have time as a family to get to know our baby and she booked a flight to arrive 10 days after I had the baby, without waiting for an invitation. They live in uk and we have lived abroad for years. Once she came to visit with my father and finally told me what date she was flying in on but didn't tell me for how long. They stayed for 3 and a half weeks and my husband was starting to get irritated by them. They massively overstayed their welcome! I love them but it's hard having them in our own space for such a long time, they are messy, they leave teabags and food half covered by kitchen roll and newspapers all lying around. My mum is very difficult and goes off in huffs every time she visits. She criticises everything about our house and cooking. How's the pesto? Not enough salt or garlic etc.

Our son happens to share his birthday with her, it's this week, she told me she wasn't coming. My dad text me to say she had fallen out with him and now doesn't feel comfortable coming here with him. Then yesterday I got a text from her saying hello with a pic she's sent me of a hotel they stay in en route to here, so they are obviously on their way here driving. Why can't she just say we are coming? We want to come from 20th for 6 days or whatever? When they stayed such a long time last time, I said to her that we had enjoyed their stay but it was too long. Well she told me that family don't have to have an invitation or a limit, "we wouldnt mind you just turning up to our house because you're family". I told her that it's common courtesy to give people dates when you're planning on visiting them but she thinks she can do as she pleases.

My brother has been NC with her for years because of her behaviour. My husband is really annoyed now before they've even arrived. It spoils what should be a happy lead up to my son's birthday and when I say anything to her she has a tantrum. They're in their late 70s so this has been going on for decades.

@AttilaTheMeerkat because she turns situations which should be happily anticipated and enjoyed into this sort of drama. Maybe feel sorry isn't the correct terminology, I just can't understand how she fails every time.

DH parents are a whole other story and have only just started to come over for our son's birthday last year, so they missed the first 9 birthdays. His dad told me that he would not spend any time when my parents were here because "I want to be the most important person there". His mother wrote my mother a very long email telling them they must never visit when they were. It's a whole saga. They have only met each other 4 times in the 22 years we have been together.

I'm bored of having to deal with all the egos. I just want to celebrate our son.

@ColadhSamh and @thepariscrimefiles DH parents are not that interested in DH or son. I have been NC with them for years. So I am capable of dishing out consequences for bad behaviour. I just need to do apply that to my own mother. But how? Tell her for the umpteenth time then go NC?

@justasking111 I told them, we normally discuss what everyone is doing for their birthday

@Dandeloosha she is very hands on, they both are. They always help with everything, cooking, baking, cleaning, washing dishes etc. My son loves them, he plays chess with my dad and they love watching films together etc.

@AbouttimeIhadanewusername I meant I am conscious of her age not as an excuse but because I read somewhere if you see your parents twice a year and they only have 10 to 15 years left that isn't a lot of visits.

I enjoy spending time with them for short periods. It's hard when you live far away, it makes everything more intense than just nipping round for a coffee, but perhaps if she had a different personality, I'd live closer...

It's time to decide what your boundaries are and the consequences for overstepping them. Then you need to enforce them.

Who cares if she has a tantrum? She doesn't care about your feelings at all. She's the one who is behaving badly.

Both sets of patents sound a headache. But you can only be in charge of your own. So text her and preferably before she arrives.

@FrankAbagnalesLies If a friend did this, you wouldn't be friends with them you'd cut them off, right?

I do need to decide on what the consequences are. I don't want my son to miss out on seeing them, he is desperate to see them. He's always asking when he can see them and when they can visit. I will have to sit her down again and tell her that she has to stop with this leaving it to the last minute then "surprising us". .

Both sets of GP are in their late 70s and are healthy and have the time and money to travel freely.

Last year was the first year that they were all here for DS party and he was delighted.

I would move house and not tell her where I was living.

This is unbelievably rude and disrespectful

I don’t know how you stand it.

@beAsensible1 and say what? Both sets sure are a massive headache, it's very tiresome.

This is what I need help with. I've told her so many times but it doesn't sink in. We have had huge fights over the years and periods of not talking, NC because of her behaviour.

It's a lot of drama, she's like that with everyone. She has a couple of friends she's had for years but they never see each other and live in other countries!

Would you tolerate this from a friend?. Unlikely so why are you tolerating this from your mother. On one hand you write that your son is desperate to see them but he is too young to realise he is being manipulated. Your mother controls you by huffing and you give into such manipulation. You’re also showing your son poor relationship lessons by being unable and unwilling to stand up for yourself and your family. Both of you need to present a united front when it comes to both your parents and in-laws.

Your mother was once young and abusive and now she is old and abusive.
They outstay their welcome by weeks, treat your home as a hotel and turn up unannounced. His grandmother as you write is also messy and leaves half eaten foodstuffs around in newspapers and kitchen roll. She does this because she can and you allow this to happen in your home. I am assuming you still have some hope that she will change and offer so apologies but that will never happen. Drop the rope here .

Your son thinks they are the fun gps but again he is too young to see that his parents and he are being used and otherwise manipulated by them. Your child is relying on your good judgement to protect him
from such malign influences. Where are the consequences from you when they outstay their welcome or leave food in kitchen roll in and around your home?. Do you both say nothing and quietly fume?.

And there’s good reason why your mother has no friends. They’ve moved away and she does not see them so they are distant acquaintances.

It’s hard being the last one left but you’re going to need to drop the rope here she holds out to you and say no more and mean it. Your parents are really not worth bothering about.

It does sink in. She simply doesn’t give a shit about what you want.

@AttilaTheMeerkat exactly, as I said upthread. DH will not stand up to his parents, we had marriage counselling for it. They have done some truly bizarre and deeply upsetting things over the years hence why I went NC with them. We didn't see them at all for 6 years over covid. We arranged a talk one night when they came to visit and DH ran away because he couldn't handle it. I said my piece to them and they were extremely defensive and his dad shouted at me while my baby slept upstairs. They eventually left to go back to their hotel and I felt so much better having let it all out exactly what I thought of them.

My mother will for example cut up a mango and leave the rest on a plate with a bit of kitchen roll over it when I'd put it away properly in the fridge. I haven't been to their house since 2019 but I imagine it is still covered in piles of newspapers and magazines. I have zero hope she will change. She has never worked so has no clue about working with others, she is used to doing what she pleases when she pleases.

@AttilaTheMeerkat it's interesting that the 2 friends she actually sees a few times a year are significantly younger than her. One being in her 50s and the other just 4 years older than me. Maybe she can't be friends with folk her own age. My son asked me the last time they came if nana will go off in the huff again like she usually does and I have been thinking about that a lot and what it is showing him.

So your PILs are just as awful as your own mum but in a different way? It's a pity that there has been some sort of reconciliation with your PILs that means that they will be present for your son's birthday.

How will they react when they realise that your mother will also be present against their expressed wishes? Is there a birthday party equivalent of eloping and celebrating your son's birthday without either set of grandparents? I presume that your son would be disappointed about that.

@thepariscrimefiles they are much more awful unfortunately. Some of the things they have done are actually scary. We went to see a psychologist about them. I did not want my son exposed to them when he was younger and he has never been left alone with them or visited them without us. We have only been in their house once since he was born and he is 11. I agreed to them coming for DH sake and because now DS is older he can hold his own but I still wouldn't let him be with them by himself.

Oh out of the mouth of babes. My son clocked my mother's huffs quietly he was about seven. She'd spoilt Xmas day by not turning up. When she thawed and turned up weeks later. My little boy asked

"Are you better Nana. Mummy said that you were sick in the head".
I was out of the room but husband caught the exchange.

He wasn't wrong looking back.

God it sounds absolutely awful from both of them.

you say you’re NC with PILs, has that ended now? Are they apologetic? how will they react to your mum after they have previously said no visits at the same time? Completely unreasonable to say that btw but I would use that as an excuse - you can’t come as we don’t have room. PILs are here.

you’ve told her til you’re blue in the face but she doesn’t listen and thinks you’re joking. Kick her out. She only has to face the consequences of her actions.

@thepariscrimefiles I'm sure they won't be thrilled. This will be their 5th meeting in over 20 years if they meet at all. The issue is that it's also my mother's birthday on the same day which is why they refused to come to his first ever party and his subsequent birthdays until his 10th last year. When I asked them why they wouldn't come to their only grandchild's birthday his dad said he wanted to the most important person there.

Mate, you’re surrounded by lunatics!!

Your PILs sound quite dangerous. You are very clear-eyed and honest about your mum's short-comings and unacceptable behaviour. What does your DH think about his parents' scary behaviour? Is he in denial? I presume that they haven't had a damascene conversion and are now normal decent people but that you reluctantly think that your DS is old enough to be exposed to them, but only under your supervision, to please your DH.

@justasking111 what did your mother say to your boy?

@BlondeBanshee I am still no contact but this year and last they came for our son's birthday. They stay in a hotel. My parents are always here for it because they share the birth date. It went fine, they managed a few words on the day and there were no fisticuffs! As I say, they've only met a handful of times including our wedding day, they don't even know each other.

@Skybluecoat I know!! Me, DS and Dcat should just run away and let them all get on with it.

@thepariscrimefiles I have truly never met people like them. His mother in particular is extremely strange. He was completely in FOG about them and fiercely in denial until we saw the psychologist who tried to unpick some of it. They are extremely cold and rigid. He was never hugged by her growing up and they eventually had a conversation together where she told him she did actually love him. He felt better about that because he wasn't sure. I did not want my son exposed to that growing up as a baby or toddler. The first time she met DS when he was 10 months old, I passed DS to her and she held him like he was a dirty football away from her body with a disgusted look on her face.

Get rid of your spare room and tell her she will have to get a hotel

@Nearly50omg they normally stay in a hotel. Sometimes an apartment. It's the refusing to tell me when she's coming and for how long that infuriates me. Just why?

That’s quite the revealing statement! Surely the young child who is celebrating their birthday is the most important person there?!

I feel for you, this stress and frustration is completely unnecessary