Mother does not respect boundaries

[ALittleBitAlexislalala]

My mother will not ever tell us when she is planning on visiting. She has a long history of just turning up whenever she wants, even when I just had my baby! I told her that we wanted to have time as a family to get to know our baby and she booked a flight to arrive 10 days after I had the baby, without waiting for an invitation. They live in uk and we have lived abroad for years. Once she came to visit with my father and finally told me what date she was flying in on but didn't tell me for how long. They stayed for 3 and a half weeks and my husband was starting to get irritated by them. They massively overstayed their welcome! I love them but it's hard having them in our own space for such a long time, they are messy, they leave teabags and food half covered by kitchen roll and newspapers all lying around. My mum is very difficult and goes off in huffs every time she visits. She criticises everything about our house and cooking. How's the pesto? Not enough salt or garlic etc.

Our son happens to share his birthday with her, it's this week, she told me she wasn't coming. My dad text me to say she had fallen out with him and now doesn't feel comfortable coming here with him. Then yesterday I got a text from her saying hello with a pic she's sent me of a hotel they stay in en route to here, so they are obviously on their way here driving. Why can't she just say we are coming? We want to come from 20th for 6 days or whatever? When they stayed such a long time last time, I said to her that we had enjoyed their stay but it was too long. Well she told me that family don't have to have an invitation or a limit, "we wouldnt mind you just turning up to our house because you're family". I told her that it's common courtesy to give people dates when you're planning on visiting them but she thinks she can do as she pleases.

My brother has been NC with her for years because of her behaviour. My husband is really annoyed now before they've even arrived. It spoils what should be a happy lead up to my son's birthday and when I say anything to her she has a tantrum. They're in their late 70s so this has been going on for decades.

Well, quite @BlondeBanshee that's exactly what I said to him. DS is and always will be the most important person. I know, they really do put a dampener on it with all this useless nonsense.

You need boundaries. If they are on their way you need to say that this isn’t a good time and they need to find alternative accommodation because nothing has been planned. I wouldn’t even let them into the house. They stay elsewhere and you control what you can and can’t deal with. No wonder your DH is pissed off. I’d be leaving the house myself if people kept arriving uninvited and nothing was being done about it.

My dad text me last night late asking, are you expecting us to stay with you? I replied this morning to say, no, you told me that you weren't coming. He has since text this afternoon stiffly to say, well we want to see DS on his birthday so if we can't stay with you we will have to make alternative accommodation.

Respond saying “yes, you will. Let me know when you have booked something.”

I think you need to address the issues with your family through someone they will listen to.

Then you text back 'No, we are busy'.

Ahh I dunno. By the the time parents get into their 70s, they might not be around for much longer. You’ve left it too late really. I probably wouldn’t want to spend the next five or six years falling out with them.

it’s nice they want to spend time with your son on his birthday. To avoid the craziness next time just tell them you’re going away for his birthday but haven’t decided where yet! You’re getting a last minute deal then you can just take a while to respond to any messages about it.

The thing is @Firecrackles My mum falls out over the slightest thing so she's been like that my whole life.

They booked into a hotel and I got it out of my dad that they're there for the next few days. I asked him why they refuse to communicate and give us dates and he brushed it aside, saying we'll were here now. My mother was frosty as and full-named me.

I get it’s infuriating not to be told when they’re arriving but

They stay in a hotel so it’s no different to having parents round the corner who “pop in” unannounced
Your son loves them
They sound fabulous and engaged grandparents
They help out in the house
They only visit a few times a year

And you’re making noises about going NC?

This must be a reverse!!!

And just because your DH’s parents have decided they’re now going to be involved with your son after nine years doesn’t mean YOUR parents should play second fiddle

Wholeheartedly agree with your second post @italianlondongirl they can't expect to click their fingers and suddenly want to be involved on his 10th birthday. DS favours my parents because they adore him and have spent so much time and effort to be in his life since he was born.

Where did you get I'm making noises about going NC from? 😳 I want to be given dates in advance to their arrival like any other visitors do. It's very simple.

My mother has given the silent treatment to all who displease her for as long as I can remember. I know now this is emotional abuse. What I said was we've had periods of NC because she will give me the silent treatment if I don't do exactly as she wishes. When she wants to resume contact, she will get my dad to contact me. That's how she operates.

I would full name your mother back.

Tell your father staying in a hotel is a consequence of not asking ro stay and not giving advance warning.

@Cheesey LOL! Her face would be a picture!

I might just do that. Perhaps this will be the time it finally sinks in.

I've told her that they have to let us know when they're coming, for how long etc. for years. She just won't do it
[...]
I want them to simply tell us their plans in advance

Can you see the contradiction?
You want her to change, but you know she won't change, but you still hope she will change, but she still doesn't change.

Here is a tip: you are the one that has to change.

@TrappedByThisDesk By doing what? Moving without telling them where, as was suggested upthread by someone?

We are actually moving next year...

Not letting her in the door if it is not convenient is one suggestion that was made upthread. Or going for day trips without her if she is staying in the area for a long time.
But mainly changing your emotions (doing 'work' on yourself) so that you don't actually care any more and it doesn't bother you if you have to turn her away on the doorstep.

You can change by not letting them stay iunless they have given good notice and being busy when your mother, who has not told you she is coming, asks to come round. You really are just putting up with their behaviour. You are using your son as an excuse too much. He shouldn’t see your mother treat you like that.

So turn into my brother. That's what he does now. They haven't set foot inside his house for years. They show up for his kids school shows etc but my DB just ignores them.

It's the old adage of the only thing you can control is yourself so I will have to change how I am with them.

Why does it have to be such a battle. It's such a waste of energy.

You said that if a friend did this, you’d cut them off..,

I mean relatives ARE annoying, but it seems your mum has lots of good qualities as well and has such a lovely relationship with your son.

I would beware all these psychologists telling you about “boundaries”. Show exasperation sure, but it seems as if her good qualities outweigh the bad.

Yes, exactly @italianlondongirl if it was a friend you'd say you're taking the piss here!

She is exasperating, she's spent almost 80 years doing as she pleases, so she's not going to change now. The thing is she'd be delighted if we just appeared at her door saying were staying for 6 weeks. She'd be like, ohh can't you stay longer?!

"mum, there are reasons that DB is no contact with you and one of them is this kind of unpredictable behaviour and the fact that you can't stick to social norms like asking when it's convenient to come and asking how long you can stay for.

If you don't want our relationship to go the same way you need to change your behaviour now. I've had enough of this - take this very seriously."

When raising children “natural consequences” are generally the best consequences. If you feed your biscuit to the dog then there is no more biscuit etc.

You need to invoke “natural consequences” here. So do not even think about cancelling anything you already have arranged. And personally I would book a whole load of other stuff too. And then say sadly whenever you have to explain to your parents why you can’t see them “if only you had let us know before you came - we would not have booked up to go away / have sky diving lessons / etc”

But they need to feel the inconvenience of coming with no notice. At the moment it only hurts you.

Does your door not lock?

You know what you have to do or it will never stop. Just don't reply and don't answer the door. She can obviously afford a hotel so let her find out the hard way what happens when she doesn't give you notice.

Also, you realise she's demonstrating that she doesn't respect you?

There was a thread a while re parents who turned up in their camper van, I think. The OP left her house or pretended to do so and said they were away so her parents couldn’t stay. I think I’d do this. Trouble is, ds would need to be on board.

I’m very impressed that you told your dad they can’t stay, this may make them a little more considerate next time. Turning up without warning is such shit behaviour.