Grandma intervening all the time

[LunaMoon1986]

Just a Rant.
I am SO fed up with my little girl's nana constantly undermining me as her mum! 😤
Every time I tell my daughter NO, she runs straight to her nana, who thinks she should never be refused anything because she's only a little girl. 🙄
YES, she's a little girl, but she's also a child who needs boundaries! When Mummy says no, the answer is NO. Running to someone else shouldn't mean she gets her own way.
I'm her mum, and I'm trying to raise her properly, teach her respect and boundaries, and prepare her for the real world.
YOU CAN LOVE YOUR GRANDCHILD WITHOUT UNDERMINING THEIR MUM!
I'm so tired of feeling like I have to fight to parent my own child. Stop interfering, stop undermining me, and let me be her mum! 😤👏 I have tried telling my ex partner who is the father to our little girl to tell his mum to stop sticking her nose in. All I get back is well your mum doesn't do anything your mum doesn't treat her so my mum is doing everything that your mother can't be bothered to do so I'm not getting support from her or him absolutely gets on my nerves.

That is true. However, I and a few other posters have mentioned more control of the tablet and you are ignoring that.

I do think your ex MIL is being unreasonable but there are things you can do to reduce opportunities for her to have a say. Just simply by supervising all calls, you can interject, redirect or hang up if necessary if this behaviour starts on a call.

While she's at her Dad's I think you have to let it go unless you think she's in real danger.

I’m merely pointing out that a 9yo is using the tablet she has at home to call her Nanny so she undermines the decisions her mother has taken.

meanwhile the tablet stays in the 9yo’s, I’ll repeat that, a NINE YEAR OLD’s possession.

@LunaMoon1986 is enabling her DD to use the tablet and DD is using it to undermine her mother’s decisions. Nix the tablet! It’s not hard!

If she removes the smart device, explains why and gets some cast iron parental blocks. No unsupervised calls, ever.

Nanny can’t be trusted and the 9yo has no respect for her mother, so time to deal with this properly. @LunaMoon1986 is in charge her, she needs to step up and take responsibility for her DD and not allow her Any smart devices until she is old enough to use them properly

None of this is even elementary maths, let alone rocket science.

Can You give other examples? I agree take the tablet away and remove the message app. A 9 year old should not be texting.

however, your daughter has two parents and if her dad allows her grandmother to spoil her in his time I am afraid that is his right as a parent, you can’t control his time.

does it bleed into your time?

And let nanny burn her house down with a dodgy Chinese electric scooter!

You can’t control other adults behaviour and these people are clearly not fussed about what you say.

The only control you have is over the contact method your DD is using.

When your DD asks you for something in particular and you say no, can you then drop a text to MIL and say DD just asked for X, I don't want her to have this just yet so I said no, so if she asks you can you say, if your mummy says it's ok then yes.

Would she go along with that?

get tech savvy with the tablet - asked AI how to stop the tablet being able to download apps you don't want o there. Then remove the apps you don't want your 9 year old dd having and then black her ability to download other apps onto the account

but that could be seen as undermining the dad as a parent and controlling his parenting time?

if grandma does buy her an electric scooter, what can OP do apart from say it’s not coming home with her, if dad allows it is can be kept at his house, but op can raise safety concerns. In the extreme, op could look to change to custody agreement if she feels dad isn’t safe.

if its something like makeup, all op can say is it’s not allowed on her time. But dad has to be allowed to parent too (even if he is rubbish at it).

Turn off video calling/texting ability on the tablet. Or. Take it away for 24hrs each time she goes behind your back and asks her nan for something.

I have told my daughter that she must [...]

Words are completely ineffective if you are not backing them up with actions.

Just telling your DD is not enough. Of course she is not going to do what you say, she is 9.
You have to do something, take action, to be an effective parent. That means discipline / punishment / consequences (whatever you want to call it), plus preventative action like deleting the communication apps on the tablet.

Nine year old children don't get to argue with adults. This is completely in your hands, she is free to demand consumer products from her grandmother when she is in her house.
In your house, she accepts being told no, and if she uses her tablet to disobey you, the tablet is removed for the week. Easy, natural consequences.

Take the tablet away and tell her why.

So he only has her every other weekend? How often is she even seeing your ex’s mother?

If this is how it’s going down at 9, then you are in for a hellish time when she’s 15 unless you start parenting up.

If you click See All you can view all the OPs replies.
The man lives in his mother's house.

Yes

and the Op clearly says he has her every other weekend

so….

Yes? The child sees the grandmother two weekends a month, not sure why you're asking so many questions.

You can't control what your ex allows her to do at his house. However, you can control what she does at your house. If they buy the electric scooter it can live at daddies house. I wouldbt allow it into my house or allow her in it when she's with me. Id also text your ex that electric scooters are illegal. You do not content to your daughter using it. If it is purchased he will be smokey responsible for and accident, injuries or damages related to it.

If she is using the tablet to go around you to nana then I'd take the tablet off of her.

When shes in your home its your rules. You cant control her dad orange rules in nanas house. I imagine that banana is doing a lot of parenting in her house.

Because how much impact can someone have if they see a child twice a month?!

The Op needs to parent up re iPad usage.

“Brenda, please don’t waste your money buying Lucy an electric scooter - she’s far too young and in any case they’re illegal to use. If Keith allows her to use it when she’s with him I’m afraid we’ll have to go back to court.”

Then limit her tablet access, or just disconnect it from WiFi so she can play games etc but not contact anyone without supervision.

Your DD is part of 2 different households OP and you need to get use to that. If she has an electric scooter at her dads/nans then that's up to them. She knows she can't have one at yours. My DD10 has different things at mine to what she has to her dad's as we both have different lifestyles & boundaries etc. if he tried telling me DD wasn't allowed something at mine I'd tell him where to go. The exception is if she's in trouble and one of us has removed tablet or phone - the ban will flow over depending how long it's for

They don't really need to ask her mother's permission for what they buy her at their own house though. OP sounds quite controlling. If my DD10 asks me for something that I don't want her to have (currently slime and kinnetic sand) in our house I say no, if she then asks her dad and he says yes then that's fine as it's during his time and at his house.

With the scooter, it's up to her dad to manage the risks of his mum buys her one. I don't really see how OP can say no or control what they buy her

OP absolutely not unreasonable and both her and your ex are being incredibly irresponsible agreeing to an electric scooter for a nine year old. It does seem like she’s trying to buy your daughters love. Disney Dad and Disney Nana in action.

Unfortunately there’s not much you can do about what happens on their time. Thank fully if it’s only every other weekend then I’d just disable the chat on your daughters tablet so she can’t ask for things when she’s not there and then say any gift you haven’t approved doesn’t come to your house.

I’d turn this dynamic around, and tell your daughter to ask Nana for whatever she wants (that you would allow), and swamp Nana with requests.

New shoes? Nana. New coat? Nana. There won’t be an endless money pot for the stupid stuff.

Also, get more creative with your no’s. It would be much more effective to reflect back some excitement about electric scooters and say you’ll see what you can do. Then drip feed her stories about dodgy electronics, and accidents.

Mine are teens now and for years I’ve involved them in researching the things they want. It’s a very successful strategy and they’ve made some smart, responsible choices because they’re not rebelling against me.

You could ask her which of her friends have scooters, how much they cost, etc, so she has to go and find things out. That defers the decision and maybe just creates a little time for another whim to take hold.

You could say no to all sorts of things (cinema trip, new dress, haircut) because you want to save up for a scooter for her, and let Nana pick up the slack.

@Hayley1256I am definitely not controlling. So I would just like to get that one straight once and for all. My little girl has been told today before she went and played when Mummy says no you don't go and ask Daddy or Nana because that is then her going against me I only want her dad to work with me not against me if he gets her electronic scooter it stays at his house not mine. As long as she is getting supervision. so I don't see how that's controlling the end of the day right as a mother I don't want my child to have broken bones or sprained muscles the last thing I want is a call from her dad ar her nana to say that she's ended up in the A&E this is why I don't like electronic scooters for young children but I guess I'm just controlling eh