Partner cannot communicate and I’m emotionally exhausted - can this relationship be saved?

[MostlyHoldingItTogether]

Hey, I’m looking for some advice because I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
My partner and I have been arguing a lot recently, and I’m getting to the point where I’m almost checked out of the relationship. I love him, but I feel like there has to be more to a relationship than this, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this.
The biggest issue is communication. I constantly feel like my emotional needs aren’t being met, and I find myself keeping things to myself just to avoid another argument.
When we argue, he’ll shout and walk away. A couple of hours later, he’ll come back and act as though nothing has happened. If I try to talk about what happened or explain how I’m feeling, he goes completely silent and won’t engage in the conversation at all. Eventually, I feel like I’m nagging him, so I give up and leave it alone to keep the peace.
But the problem never actually gets resolved. It just gets swept under the rug until the next argument.
I’m emotionally exhausted. I feel lonely in the relationship, and I’m starting to question how much more I can take.
We have a six-month-old baby, which makes everything feel even more complicated.
The thing is, he’s genuinely supportive in so many other ways. He’s very supportive financially, especially while I’m on maternity leave, does around 90% of the cooking and cleaning, and is a very hands-on dad.
I don’t want to dismiss any of that, because I know those things matter and I appreciate them. I know he contributes a lot to our family.
But I feel like I’m missing something fundamental emotionally. I want to be able to talk to my partner about things that upset me without it turning into an argument, being shouted at, or being met with complete silence. I want us to be able to work through disagreements together rather than pretending they never happened.
Sometimes I wonder whether I’m expecting too much, especially when he does so much practically. Then I feel guilty for being unhappy when, on paper, he does so much for us.
But surely emotional connection and communication are just as important as everything else?
I love him, and I don’t necessarily want our relationship to end. But I also can’t keep sacrificing my emotional needs just to maintain peace.
Has anyone been in a relationship like this and managed to turn things around? Can someone who struggles this much with communication actually change, and what needs to happen for that change to be real?
I’d really appreciate honest advice, particularly from anyone who’s been through something similar.

Seek couples counselling.

Oh, he’s Nigerian?! Goodness, if you’d led with that, I’d have commented ages ago! Is he British Naija, or second gen? As that makes a difference with regards to the degree of this, but much of what you’re describing is cultural.

The loudness which may be perceived as brusqueness is very Southern and, to a certain extent, South Eastern Nigerian. So, Yoruba, Igbo, Calabar, etc. Is he one of those?

Similarly, the fact that he genuinely doesn’t seem to understand the emotional support and communication you’re requiring, whilst clearly trying to support you in the ways he does understand. There are hundreds of millions of Nigerians, so we’re obviously not ALL emotionally stunted, but emotional intelligence isn’t really a ‘thing’ in most of our cultures.

He very possibly (to use your examples) genuinely doesn’t see that your daughter has anything to be unhappy about and did think that being in a room together (even with his back to you) qualifies as spending time together.

I’m first gen and I basically had to be taught quite a lot of this stuff by my (non-Nigerian) partners. Twas hard going and I have no doubt that my exes tell tales of my emotional deficiencies till this day.

Until you said he was Nigerian op I genuinely thought you were married to my ExH it all sounded so so familiar. I totally 100% get you op and hear you.

Sadly I was not able to turn it around.

Are there good days? Days when you have a laugh? What attracted you to him back when you first met? Have these stresses been present before you got pregnant or is it mostly post pregnancy you felt this?

The example you tell about him not interacting with you when you walk in after his sleep following a night shift if I am honest makes me think you are a bit needy. My DP works night shifts and my dad did and it has a huge impact on their wakefulness even after sleeping. You say he does a lot so I suggest you think about the impact that has on him. He must be exhausted.

But if you are not happy, you are not happy. Perhaps get some solo counselling and work through your own feelings to help you decide on next steps.

He doesn’t work nights very often, mostly day shifts. But he does work around 70-80hrs a week. with me being on Mat Leave and cost of living etc he kind of doesn’t have a choice but at the same time, he is very ambitious and has a very good work ethic and he worked like that before I got pregnant and loves together too.

Also he’d already slept 8 or not hours that day. So I don’t believe I was being unreasonable going into the room and expecting some kind of interaction. I’m wasn’t expecting him to get up and start bouncing around and doing the most. A simple acknowledgement of me being in the room and a small conversation or anytime of small interaction would have sufficed. I don’t believe that’s asking too much and it’s not like I woke him, he was already awake?

Op you’re not just emotionally exhausted you have a baby, so you’ve got to be mentally and physically exhausted too. It does seem to me that you’re both very different- when we argue I’m over it a few minutes later, whereas dh needs to talk/ argue it out. I don’t want to rehash everything and definitely don’t want to analyse it all but we do talk it out a bit. I don’t know what to tell you, you’re probably both on the floor and you’re wanting to analyse it and he just wants a break. I can see both sides

He’s from mushin (not sure of spelling) Edo state. He grew up in Lagos and speaks Yoruba but his parents are Ishan and he speaks Isha? too.

ok thanks for clarifying that it is cultural, I can stop taking some of that personally at least.

Similar story here but a couple of years on. Wish I'd left earlier. DH uses practical stuff (cleaning, gardening) to avoid closeness and family life. Never suggests fun stuff, always has something he needs to get done, mostly never came along and I learned to just take the kids on my own. Was usually more fun and relaxed anyway. Won't discuss the relationship without getting defensive, sometimes mean and a bit snarky, rarely self-reflects. Still can't and so I barely tell him anything now. Like we are flatmates. Excellent DH on paper, does plenty of stuff about the house. I feel like a single parent and I feel he has had a negative impact on how I would have parented if I had been with someone who felt like a real team-mate rather than co-contributer. I wouldn't waste time minimising your own feelings if I were you. If I could go back I'd leave when the kids were small.