Partner cannot communicate and I’m emotionally exhausted - can this relationship be saved?

[MostlyHoldingItTogether]

Hey, I’m looking for some advice because I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
My partner and I have been arguing a lot recently, and I’m getting to the point where I’m almost checked out of the relationship. I love him, but I feel like there has to be more to a relationship than this, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this.
The biggest issue is communication. I constantly feel like my emotional needs aren’t being met, and I find myself keeping things to myself just to avoid another argument.
When we argue, he’ll shout and walk away. A couple of hours later, he’ll come back and act as though nothing has happened. If I try to talk about what happened or explain how I’m feeling, he goes completely silent and won’t engage in the conversation at all. Eventually, I feel like I’m nagging him, so I give up and leave it alone to keep the peace.
But the problem never actually gets resolved. It just gets swept under the rug until the next argument.
I’m emotionally exhausted. I feel lonely in the relationship, and I’m starting to question how much more I can take.
We have a six-month-old baby, which makes everything feel even more complicated.
The thing is, he’s genuinely supportive in so many other ways. He’s very supportive financially, especially while I’m on maternity leave, does around 90% of the cooking and cleaning, and is a very hands-on dad.
I don’t want to dismiss any of that, because I know those things matter and I appreciate them. I know he contributes a lot to our family.
But I feel like I’m missing something fundamental emotionally. I want to be able to talk to my partner about things that upset me without it turning into an argument, being shouted at, or being met with complete silence. I want us to be able to work through disagreements together rather than pretending they never happened.
Sometimes I wonder whether I’m expecting too much, especially when he does so much practically. Then I feel guilty for being unhappy when, on paper, he does so much for us.
But surely emotional connection and communication are just as important as everything else?
I love him, and I don’t necessarily want our relationship to end. But I also can’t keep sacrificing my emotional needs just to maintain peace.
Has anyone been in a relationship like this and managed to turn things around? Can someone who struggles this much with communication actually change, and what needs to happen for that change to be real?
I’d really appreciate honest advice, particularly from anyone who’s been through something similar.

This is what I was wondering too.

I’m not one to jump on a bandwagon but my reaction reading your story unfold was exactly the same as that of @YourLoftyCyanZebra, and I say this as supportively as possible but you don’t seem to be allowed express yourself, he quickly flares into conflict mode so every discussion of difference becomes an argument he has high standards, his tone of voice is domineering, and he is unsympathetic to the transition your 10yo has gone through with a new adult in her home, a new baby, and school. He’s not open to any suggestion that he’s on the spectrum, so is it too much to assume he’d be unwilling to consider relationship counselling?

Does he have any other children?

This. Sounds very much like my ex. Good at practical help but utterly emotionally dysfunctional. Unable to connect emotionally with me. Implied I was neurotic/got angry with me when I expressed frustration. Probably autistic.

I'm not with him now. I was too lonely and unhappy.

What would happen if he got home from work and you said, "good news I have a chilli simmering away for dinner, you dont need to cook tonight"?

Just wondering how he enforces not letting you cook? (I can visualise the cleaning - huffing and sighing as he redoes it...)

It sounds that he's on the spectrum and probably exhausted by doing so much.

ffs

This article hits a lot of the points you mentioned, arguments that happen when you want to talk about something .......
https://time.com/article/2026/04/03/emotionally-unavailable-partner-signs-therapists/9

He worked a night shift Sunday night, I left him in the room from 10 am until 6pm, yesterday. I went up for a chat and with baby. He showed baby attention, when she patted him on the back. So I patted him on the back, as a way to get him to interact with me. He just kept his back to me whilst on his phone. I went then said ok, I’ll go back downstairs, I did want to spend time with you. He then got annoyed and said "are we not spending time together now" I’m sorry but for me, it’s quite rude, I’ve clearly came to spend time with you, you’ve been sleeping all day (not like I only gave him a couple hours) and he was already awake. For him to keep his back to me, be on his phone and not say a word to me? I just find it very strange. Any normal person would actually turn and interact if only a little with the person that has entered the room to see them? No?

Absolutely and if I read it I’d probably think the same. However there is a difference between leaving helpful feedback and you can also leave constructive criticism. Their comment was neither. As I said judgmental and unhelpful. I didn’t come here for that, i came for advice. Your comment has been validating whilst also being constructive and helpful. Thank you.

He doesn’t huff and puff as he redos the housework, he would just redo it, like it’s not even been done. Not in annoyance or anything like that. Also with the cooking, it’s not like I don’t cook and there has been plenty of times he’s walked in and there has been a cooked meal on the table for him and he’s appreciated it. However, he is Nigerian and his preference is African food (my preference also too) I can’t cook African food although I am learning. So although he’ll eat a chilli, roast dinner etc, he would prefer to come and cook one of his meals. I cook for our eldest, then we eat together when he gets back. Mostly. But the days I eat with my eldest, I cook enough for all 3 of us and he will eat when he is home.

It’s super hard, especially when raising a child together! I know exactly how you feel. I want my baby to grow up in a household where his parents can communicate and it not turn into his dad getting angry/ refusing to speak to me. I’m seriously considering getting couples therapy because I’m finding his inability to communicate soooo frustrating it’s honestly like speaking to a brick wall sometimes.

Thank you, I will take a look now.

sounds like classic anxious attachment with avoidant attachment relationship- there is lots about this if you research, I bet you will recognise it straight away. So nothing wrong with you, or with him, but your attachment styles mean the relationship is difficult - but not impossible if both sides willing to work at it and step outside their comfort zones. You can’t do all the work of the relationship alone.

Yes, just read this. This is exactly him.

Yes you’re probably correct. How do we work on it, if when I bring it up, he would just shutdown? I don’t think he would even entertain that suggestion?

Yes and I walked away. Mine refused tobeven talk through things that were wrong. I got ignored for a whole week (I was messaging and calling wanting to talk through) then a week in to completely being ignored he suddenly texted some photos he took, as if that meant we just had to ignore and move on! We werent living together and it made me so glad we hadn't made that leap - imagine living with a guy who can do that! That was the sign I needed to get out. Some guys simply havent matured enough (this guy was 44 at the time and never had a relationship over 18 months) and cant handle any criticism or talk through issues they cause.

It is manipulative and controlling and exhausting. I suggest trying to find one who can.

I would be open to couples therapy, but I don’t think he would at all.

He’s not manipulative or controlling in anyway. In fact quite the opposite, he’s very happy to have baby and eldest whilst I go out with my friends or even just go out on my own for a few hours. For coffee or whatever to just have some breathing space. He doesn’t even expect an explanation on where I wanna go or who with. Obviously I say, out of respect.

Also, he would never ignore me for that long. Never more than a couple of hours. I don’t feel it’s a punishment, it’s just total shutdown and he cannot deal with the conflict or emotion of any of it.

Imago is great if there’s a will on both sides to make the marriage work and improve communication. https://sophieslade.com

So he is either emotionally avoidant, which can be salvegable if he is really open to change and growth and would consider engaging in couples therapy. Or he is narcissistic in which case there’s no hope as he hates you and himself deep down. Not sure which based on one post but I’d research a bit more about both of these. A social media account called Jimmy on relationships would be really interesting for you, and him too if he will engage.
if he won’t engage with any kind of self reflection or change though then I’d start making a plan to leave a as it won’t get better, and drop my expectations of his emotional capacity in the meantime and get those needs met elsewhere via friends etc. if uou want another child you might want to have this first before leaving as you’re going to have to coparent anyway, you know he can provide, etc etc (I will get criticized for saying that but I’m 40 single and wish I had another child so my advice is based on experience)

I dont think he is narcissistic. But I do think very emotionally unintelligent and and avoidant. Thank you, I’m 34 and still deciding if I want more. I always wanted more than 2 but after my eldest I didn’t think it would happen again, but now I have a 6 month old. I think I’d be ok with not having more.

OP, most couples get really ratty in the first year of a baby's life. Exhaustion, hormone surges, fear and overwhelm at the responsibility, loss of freedom, increased financial strain.

Try not to turn this into an additional problem. You are understandably hormonal. You are both understandably knackered. You don't need to add incompatible communication styles to the load. For now, let it go. Why not spend a week vocally appreciating what he is doing right, and see if you both relax and enjoy each other's company more. When life is on a more even keel, and neither of you has a short fuse, you could discuss being more open.

Have to say, DH is like this. I still seethe about it, 30 years on. But I now know this is who he is. He can't change. He shows love in so many ways - from picking me up at the station on dark rainy nights, doing most of the cooking. buying flowers, arranging surprise outings. He just can't talk about things. It's okay. It really is.

Yes thank you. This is good advice. He does show me love in a lot of ways. I think I’m going to try and let it go and get emotional support from friends. Or I will try. Like someone else said further up. Maybe I’m looking for him to be everything to me, when that’s unreasonable to expect that from him. I was a single parent before we met, so the responsibility of having a baby wasn’t new to me, but this is his first child, so that could all be very true for him. I am probably more emotionally needy than before because of the hormones too.

With respect just because they dont say obviously manipulative and controlling things, if they slam doors, withold touch, refuse to discuss issues and create an atmosphere when they do not like something that is still being controlling and manipulative.

I’m aware. My eldest daughters dad was a narcissist. He’s not. He may be emotionally unintelligent, but he’s not abusive.