Partner cannot communicate and I’m emotionally exhausted - can this relationship be saved?

[MostlyHoldingItTogether]

Hey, I’m looking for some advice because I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
My partner and I have been arguing a lot recently, and I’m getting to the point where I’m almost checked out of the relationship. I love him, but I feel like there has to be more to a relationship than this, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this.
The biggest issue is communication. I constantly feel like my emotional needs aren’t being met, and I find myself keeping things to myself just to avoid another argument.
When we argue, he’ll shout and walk away. A couple of hours later, he’ll come back and act as though nothing has happened. If I try to talk about what happened or explain how I’m feeling, he goes completely silent and won’t engage in the conversation at all. Eventually, I feel like I’m nagging him, so I give up and leave it alone to keep the peace.
But the problem never actually gets resolved. It just gets swept under the rug until the next argument.
I’m emotionally exhausted. I feel lonely in the relationship, and I’m starting to question how much more I can take.
We have a six-month-old baby, which makes everything feel even more complicated.
The thing is, he’s genuinely supportive in so many other ways. He’s very supportive financially, especially while I’m on maternity leave, does around 90% of the cooking and cleaning, and is a very hands-on dad.
I don’t want to dismiss any of that, because I know those things matter and I appreciate them. I know he contributes a lot to our family.
But I feel like I’m missing something fundamental emotionally. I want to be able to talk to my partner about things that upset me without it turning into an argument, being shouted at, or being met with complete silence. I want us to be able to work through disagreements together rather than pretending they never happened.
Sometimes I wonder whether I’m expecting too much, especially when he does so much practically. Then I feel guilty for being unhappy when, on paper, he does so much for us.
But surely emotional connection and communication are just as important as everything else?
I love him, and I don’t necessarily want our relationship to end. But I also can’t keep sacrificing my emotional needs just to maintain peace.
Has anyone been in a relationship like this and managed to turn things around? Can someone who struggles this much with communication actually change, and what needs to happen for that change to be real?
I’d really appreciate honest advice, particularly from anyone who’s been through something similar.

Can we PLEASE stop diagnosing people with ASD or ADHD over the internet. Enjoying routines and things done a certain way does not necessarily make you autistic and needing to discuss feelings all the time does not mean you have ADHD. We really need to stop leaping to Endgame before a proper, qualified, diagnosis. OP, your partner is working full time and doing 90% of the chores and cooking. He’s fucking knackered and he’s doing his best, and you banging on about feelings and emotions at the end of that is probably doing his nut in. You’re at home all day with a newborn and you’re probably bored off your noggin and hoping for a chat and a bit of attention which you’re not getting because he’s doing the cooking and cleaning. On top of that, your baby is probably up a few times in the night, possibly teething by now, and you’re both knackered because you have broken sleep.

What do you need him to do to meet your emotional needs? Are you fighting much? Over what? I don’t think a relationship with a lot of arguing is sustainable, especially if it’s just arguing for the sake of it. From what you’ve said, it doesn’t seem like you should have a lot to complain about, so what’s the problem?

Yes, i absolutely do trust my feelings and know I can’t continue on this path, if we can’t work this out. I’d rather be single, than feel like this. But I do want to try and work through it before giving up completely. I won’t lose myself in the process though. So I will know when it’s time to walk away!

Hello, yes I absolutely agree, I don’t think he has ASD purely because he likes to clean and he likes his routine, I was just pointing out that the thought had crossed my mind, through other things too. I also do not think I have ADHD simply because I like to talk about my feelings. I have felt for most of my adult life that I may have ADHD, for a lot of different reasons.

You are right and I absolutely do recognise that, but I’m not asking for more attention or trying to nag him. I’m simply asking for him to communicate, so little things don’t become huge things. Because the truth is most things wouldn’t even be an issue with a simple conversation.

The truth is, we weren’t together long before I got pregnant. Our baby was a beautiful surprise. I was on mounjaro and had the coil fitted, when I found out I was pregnant. We have only lived together for 8 months, 2 months before we had our baby. So we are still very much learning about each other too.

I have a different perspective to offer as someone who has experienced similar. Does he have to be the one who supports you emotionally? Perhaps that should be a counsellor or friends? Do you get time away from home at all, to see mates or do stuff for yourself? I don’t think our male partners can be or do everything all the time. He’s supporting you all financial at, your older daughter isn’t his (is that right?) and you have a six month old which is exhausting all round. He sounds like a good man in many ways but not perfect but it might be that you work on communication skills a year or two down the line when life is easier.

It sounds like you want your partner to be everything for you. And nobody can do that. It also seems like you had a baby with a stranger. Why do you need a conversation about "little things"? You sound exhausting TBH.

Not saying there little things, I’m saying it’s nothing a simple conversation can’t make right. By having a little bit more understanding for each other.

Yes thank you, that is a good perspective actually. Yes I do get time away and with my friends.

So you moved a virtual stranger in with you and your 10 year old daughter, then 2 months later had a baby, and now you two are arguing all the time? This can't be good for your 10 year old daughter at all.

we were together for 1.5 years before I got pregnant, so no he wasn’t a stranger, thank you! But we weren’t planning a child and if it wasn’t for the fact I got pregnant I probably wouldn’t have been looking to make that next step moving in together so soon! Jeez, some of you netmums, really are here just to judge and be witches!

When I say… getting to know each other. I don’t mean LITERALLY! I mean.. living with someone is completely different to dating them and seeing each other 3 to 4 days a week. Staying a night and leaving to go to your own homes. We obviously talked about future plans etc, but we didn’t expect it to be so soon. My goodness, some of you really are just so quick to judge. I wanted advice, I don’t need your judgment, take it elsewhere!

Also, my 10 year old is non the wiser to us arguing and is very happy thank you. She has settled very well in her new school and has made amazing friends and says everyday how much happier she is living here! So thank you for assumptions.

OK OP, its all good except he doesn't really bond with your DD, has exacting standards about cleaning and cooking and oh yeah....shouts at you, stonewalls you and comes back like nothing even happened. All good 👍

What? If you read my response clearly, he has been trying extremely hard with DD. Anyway…. Go somewhere else with your unhelpful and judgmental comments. Not interested in speaking to people like you! 👌🏻👍🏻

I still can't work out what exactly he is getting irate in response to. Could you give a better example?

He's emotionally unintelligent Op, not capable of discussion about emotions, yours or his, probably has no idea how to respond to you so he causes an argument to shut it down. I have lived with this for years from my Dp who is in other ways a good partner and father. I came to terms a long time ago with the fact that he is incapable of discussion about feelings. It's up to you whether you can live with this long term

I think if youre home all day, hes providing for you, doing 90% housework and a hands on dad.. why would you be upset or have an issue?

Because if i was the only one working, and i was 90% of the house work, and being a hands on parent. I would feel like nothing I did was good enough if you want to tell me why its not good enough when I imagine hes close to empty emotionally.

DC is 6 months not 6 days, & youre off with him id resent that housework wasnt more 50:50 at this point tbh. Or certainly id feel you were ungrateful if all that was happening was this loop of your feelings that may feel like a go.

I think id consider whether you need outside help if youre unhappy atm, whether its DH or youre struggling with your MH

I could have written this post word for word. I don’t have any advice unfortunately but offering a hand hold x

That’s not the case here. Please read my other responses re the housework and cooking. Because it’s not because I won’t do it, he will not allow me to. He is very particular with how the housework is done and with routine of it. He also loves cooking and he will do it, whether i want to or not. There is no point I me putting hours into house work when he will just come and redo it all right after I’ve done it.

Also in relationships there is stuff that needs to be talked about whether that about kids, bills, the house etc. there are lots of subjects you should be able to
communicate abotu and have basic conversations about, even if you disagree with one another, that you can resolve without arguing or just completely withdrawing from. I am not thrrr nagging at his head, looking for reasons to be upset, come on!

Really hard isn’t it. Hopefully we can both get though it and work it out with our DP.

I’m trying to accept its just him and god knows I’m so grateful he is so supportive in all the practical and logistical things. Because I know there is woman out there that would read this post and think there is nothing to complain about. Because they’re probably having the issue of their partners not being helpful and hands on with kids. But honestly I feel like communication is such an important thing in a relationship. I’m not incapable of housework and cooking and I was a single mum for a long time before I met him. I am very capable of all those things myself!

Same here! It’s very very lonely and it has you doubting yourself. My DH never complains about anything I do, earns a lot of money does his fair share of housework and childcare yet he cannot deal with any perceived criticism. He shuts down and it turns into an argument and I am left feeling alone. Then I feel guilty as I think how easy going he is and what a good provider. But it is very hard not being able to say when things are annoying that they do, even when you say it in all the right ways eg “I feel hurt when you are looking at your phone when I am speaking to you” etc. anything to do with him and it’s immediate shut down. So yes I’m in same boat, I feel there is no point but that leads me to emotionally disconnect which creates this distance between us. I try and fill the emotional void by being with the kids, friends and family. I do think my DH is autistic.

This.
Also to play devils advocate OP, just how many times are you raising things with him that then escalate to arguments? What kind of things are you raising. You mentioned coming across as nagging. Is there a chance that you are indeed bringing things up often and, in fact wearing him down with nagging?
The assumption behind all your posts is that all the points your raise and argue about are valid. What if in fact they aren’t?

DH was the same @MostlyHoldingItTogether he is ND and definitely emotionally it was extremely difficult to connect especially when our kids were younger, he is an absolute worker though so practically was exceptional.

He has improved enormously over the years and he has learned a lot emotionally.

He is a genuinely great man who loves me a lot and is a great husband and father. His real strength was that he was willing to work on this as a weakness he had and accept that it was a problem.

The problem more generally wth this issue with ASD can be that the rigidity of the condition can result in people denying this aspect and not having the self awareness and willingness to work on it,