Partner cannot communicate and I’m emotionally exhausted - can this relationship be saved?

[MostlyHoldingItTogether]

Hey, I’m looking for some advice because I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
My partner and I have been arguing a lot recently, and I’m getting to the point where I’m almost checked out of the relationship. I love him, but I feel like there has to be more to a relationship than this, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this.
The biggest issue is communication. I constantly feel like my emotional needs aren’t being met, and I find myself keeping things to myself just to avoid another argument.
When we argue, he’ll shout and walk away. A couple of hours later, he’ll come back and act as though nothing has happened. If I try to talk about what happened or explain how I’m feeling, he goes completely silent and won’t engage in the conversation at all. Eventually, I feel like I’m nagging him, so I give up and leave it alone to keep the peace.
But the problem never actually gets resolved. It just gets swept under the rug until the next argument.
I’m emotionally exhausted. I feel lonely in the relationship, and I’m starting to question how much more I can take.
We have a six-month-old baby, which makes everything feel even more complicated.
The thing is, he’s genuinely supportive in so many other ways. He’s very supportive financially, especially while I’m on maternity leave, does around 90% of the cooking and cleaning, and is a very hands-on dad.
I don’t want to dismiss any of that, because I know those things matter and I appreciate them. I know he contributes a lot to our family.
But I feel like I’m missing something fundamental emotionally. I want to be able to talk to my partner about things that upset me without it turning into an argument, being shouted at, or being met with complete silence. I want us to be able to work through disagreements together rather than pretending they never happened.
Sometimes I wonder whether I’m expecting too much, especially when he does so much practically. Then I feel guilty for being unhappy when, on paper, he does so much for us.
But surely emotional connection and communication are just as important as everything else?
I love him, and I don’t necessarily want our relationship to end. But I also can’t keep sacrificing my emotional needs just to maintain peace.
Has anyone been in a relationship like this and managed to turn things around? Can someone who struggles this much with communication actually change, and what needs to happen for that change to be real?
I’d really appreciate honest advice, particularly from anyone who’s been through something similar.

It sounds like you both use conflict as a communication method. The obvious, initial question is simply, "Why are you having so many arguments?". You say that there are things that upset you, OP, but also that your partner is supportive. It doesn't really make sense, tbh.

I can see why it might not make sense from the outside, so perhaps I haven’t explained myself very well.
The arguments often stem from me trying to raise something that’s upset me or discuss an issue in our relationship. The problem is that these conversations tend to end with him shouting or walking away, or going completely silent when I try to talk things through. A few hours later, he’ll act as though nothing has happened, but the issue has never actually been resolved.
I absolutely recognise and appreciate everything he does for our family practically. He’s a good dad, financially supportive and does the vast majority of the housework. I’m not denying any of that, and I don’t expect him to be perfect.
But when I say I’m emotionally struggling, it’s because I don’t feel able to communicate my feelings or resolve problems with my partner without it turning into a conflict or being met with silence.
I’m not suggesting I’m perfect or that I don’t contribute to our disagreements. I’m asking whether a relationship can work long-term when one person feels that important conversations and emotional needs are consistently being avoided.
Perhaps I should have explained that better in my original post.

The first year after having a baby is a huge strain on your relationship for all kinds of reasons, so it may not be stuck like this. I like the work of Bruce Muzik on how to repair relationships, he argues you need to bond before working on communication, I have one of his courses but it's quite expensive. The Gottmans are also good and those books are much cheaper. I wouldn't panic, though, about being incompatible; this is a difficult time, and with a little patience and endurance, hopefully you can get through to easier times.

christ, maybe he’s just burnt out from being the full time provider and 90% of household chores. What do you do to contribute to the marriage?

What stands out to me is that you have a six month old. When we had our kids I said to my husband I didn’t think people should be allowed to separate within the first two years of having a baby as you are such completely different people! (Obviously being sensible re any actual abuse etc).
I think sleep deprivation and having recently had a baby can put a massive amount of strain on a relationship. I remember googling divorce in those early days.
i had similar issues with my husband. I can’t now think of the things we argued about! But it was all to do with communication and him not being able to understand what I was trying to say. These days we rarely fight and he’s much better at communicating (though still not the best). I’ve accepted him for who he is and he’s accepted me. We do still talk a lot but we don’t really have many issues. We have maybe one big ish argument every few years and it’s always about communication! Either him not understanding me or what I’m trying to say.
The other thing that stands out is him shouting? Is he actually yelling at you? Because that’s obviously not ok, are you also shouting? We’ve definitely shouted at each other but more raised voices rather than shouting anything mean/name calling if that makes sense?
have you told him not to shout at you? And is that when he walks away?

As someone who hates conflict, I tend to deflect when I know someone is being unreasonable. Try cheering them up etc. even when u know they are being unreasonable. If he’s doing more than he’s fair share, why the anguish?

Yes and I do feel I am probably a lot more sensitive since being pregnant and having our baby. But I need him to understand that and I don’t think does. Because he doesn’t communicate it leaves me assuming things for myself on his end, which probably isn’t helping.

He voice is loud and very deep anyway, so when he raises it slightly, it’s very loud. He is very direct and can be harsh. He doesn’t call me names etc.

i am very calm to start with, but I do shout every now and then back at him. I tell him to stop shouting and then yes, he leaves the room.

Hi OP,

Any chance your partner might be on the spectrum? Lack of emotional connection and the strange reactions you describe (silence or outbursts) are quite typical symptoms.
I have felt the same with my partner, things were also swept under the carpet and it got worse after having children (as no time to decompress from masking makes them extra irritable or going into shut down mode). Being very direct and sometimes harsh - again typical.
The perplexing behavior of going away from a situation and couple of hours later acting as everything would be normal, although nothing got resolved, or discussed, and you are still veeery upset, yet he doesn't even notice - again, very typical.

Can you think of an example of what exactly you want to communicate that he isn’t getting?
Are you feeling a bit insecure about things and vulnerable? I remember feeling that way.
it really sounds like you just need to give each other a little time and grace. It’s SUCH a life changing stage pregnancy and having a baby!
We came through it all and I am now so so glad we did as he’s a wonderful husband and father. But at one point I really did think as you’ve described.
I totally agree with an above poster who said that connection and affection can make a huge difference. You are probably feeling quite physically and emotionally distant from each other and these things all lead to the way you are feeling. I do think for men the knock on effect is from lack of/less physical affection and they become more distant as that’s often how they feel loved, and for women it’s often the emotional needs not being met that make us feel distant (obviously I am generalising) which is frustrating as one leads to the other!

I have wondered this. Because the reason he does 90% of the housework and cooking is because he will literally not allow me do it or give me the chance to. He is very particular with how he wants things done and the routine of it. Doesn’t like anything out of place and he also loves cooking and that’s his way of showing he cares and loves me. Obviously I contribute, but honestly, why would I spend hours doing housework, when he will come a long and redo it all?

Can you give us an example of the sort of things that upset you that you try to talk to him about?

Yeah. So my eldest daughter is 10 and she’s been struggling with all the transitions she’s gone through in a short space of time and has struggled to bond with him. Without going into, it’s all too long. But I feel he needs to be softer and more understanding towards her. But he just says "what is she going through" etc he does try very hard for her, but at the same time I think he is starting to not make as much effort because he isn’t getting much back from her after 2 years of trying. When I try to communicate this to him, he just shuts down. But that’s just one example. He is like this no matter the issue.

I am feeling insecure and vulnerable too. BF is demanding and I’ve put a lot of weight on since having baby, so that’s really not helped. We also co sleep, so I guess there isn’t much action happening in the bedroom. But actually it’s me that’s asking for more affection, as that isn’t his strong point. He rarely kisses me etc. he’s always the one that initiates sex, but I don’t feel there is a build up with affection throughout the day, that makes me want to jump his bones on an evening.

Ah, routines and doing things in a particular way - another tick unfortunately.
The good thing - you recognised it early on.
The bad news - no, he won't change, it probably will get worse too, as a growing child = more overstimulation.
Does he like falling asleep to youtube/podcasts? Are there silence/shut down episodes? (Him in a bedroom/secluded space trying to decompress and you feeling like he is physically in the house, but mentally unreachable?)

Yes he falls asleep to TV or his phone mostly. But I also think I have undiagnosed ADHD.

Also, he does take himself away to the room to chill by himself which I don’t really mind. He works a lot of hours as well as doing everything he does for us.

Perhaps take a look at Emotionally Focused Therapy. It worked for us. Wishing all of you well

You and your partner are colossally incompatible and have completely different needs.

I’m probably a bit like your partner. I couldn’t handle a relationship where we had to analyse our feelings and pick through the detail of every argument. I’m like your partner. I have the row and if I know we aren’t going to agree, I walk away because I don’t feel anything good comes of flogging a dead horse. Most arguments are a difference of opinion and neither person is going to change their mind so it’s a waste of time going on and on. So I prefer to go away, let both of us calm down, and then move on. I don’t find any value in rehashing the argument again and talking about feelings that have already been expressed; it just feels like picking a scab to me.

That doesn’t mean you’re wrong to want a different type of communication. But your partner isn’t wrong to want to move on as if nothing happened, either. Neither of you is going to be able to meet the other’s needs here.

I can only tell you from my personal, first hand experience - what you describe are ASD symptoms.
I hope your baby will not inherit the traits, as that would make your life even more difficult.

ASD and ADHD often pair up, so it would not be surprising. But, after a while they really grate on each other :(
Some insights here.

https://www.simplypsychology.com/articles/neurodivergent-couples-adhd-autism

I can tell you that we no longer live together, as he was unable to provide emotional support and I felt like a single girl with a bizarre lodger / FWB situationship. He was very hands on with tasks btw., renovated the flat to supreme standards, but that is NOT what a relationship is about, as I was falling asleep felling lonely every night with the sound of whatever he was falling asleep to.

So if you write this post at insanely late o'clock on a Sunday - you are also lonely, he is asleep but might as well be in another galaxy mentally and you are helpless as to how to fix this.

No but that is not what is happening, we’re not even really having an argument. Something comes up that upsets me or I feel needs to be talked about. He won’t even engage in the conversation. Sometimes he will shout, with a very direct statement and walk out of sometimes he will just let me talk, but act as if I’m not even in the room and won’t give me any type of response. Roll over and go to sleep. Then for a few hours we won’t speak to each other and there is an atmosphere which is the "arguing" I mean. We’re both in a mood. Then when he decides to he will start speaking me, but not resolve anything, just act like nothing happened. So there is no rehashing that goes on, coz nothing was said about it in the first place.

Oh wow… this really is helpful. Thank you. I know he wouldn’t even entertain the fact that he could be neurodivergent. If I was to suggest it, it could start an argument. So I will not.

@MostlyHoldingItTogetheri have been where you are, married for 25 years and three kids and earlier this year I told him I was done and he moved out in September.

We’re still working through if we want to salvage the relationship but I just couldn’t do the cycle anymore.
He was similar in that he was amazing practically and logistically but emotionally he was very stunted.
Would essentially ghost me while I was in the room with him if I wanted to discuss something.
If I brought up an issue very kindly he’d get defensive immediately. He took everything as an attack.

In the end I didn’t like who I was anymore in the relationship. I triggered something in him and vice versa.

I love him. He’s a good person. But whether it’s due to his upbringing (a bit of trauma), learned behaviour or possibly ND, he just cannot communicate like an adult. It was exhausting.

I'd bed thinking carefully about what's changed before breaking up - it's not that long ago that you decided to have a baby with this man, and now you want to break up. Are you trying to rely more on him for emotional support because you are tired and not having as much social interaction with other people? It sounds like a lot of things are coming up that you feel need to be talked about but he doesn't - has that always been the case? What did you both do differently before you had the baby together?

I think you're trying to make him sound really good but there are some things leaking out that make him sound not so nice

Morning op.

You’re not expecting too much. You can trust that, trust your feelings. You know you’re not happy, you know this relationship isn’t feeding you and is now hurting you. You are allowed to know this and to move forward with this information. Are you at the point where you would be happier with no romantic partner than with him for the rest of your life because that’s the kill shot. Your distress isn't fabricated. Your loneliness is real. you’re not imagining it because you’ve watched too much TikTok, Disney or Eastenders.

Build up the trust in what your insides are saying. Recognise advice that is and isn’t helpful, recognise harmful advice that requires you to abandon yourself and go in the opposite direction.