My partner says I'm affecting my daughter's ability to be independent

[SteadyFoot]

I have an 11-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. I have a 10-month-old son with my partner. Today, my partner said that I'm affecting my daughter's ability to be independent because she and I were holding hands whilst out on a walk...

We're on a family trip to York, the city was busy and my daughter reached out for my hand and so we held hands and walked through the city whilst I pushed our young son in his pram.

I'd say she reached out for my hand for affection and safety, she's always been an affectionate person and to me this is absolutely normal behaviour. I was loving every moment, being there for both my children, keeping them safe as is my job as a responsible and loving parent.

Considering their age and the situation we were in, I can't see where my partner is coming from at all. It was hurtful to hear them say this as I'd like to think that if our own son were to reach out for their hand at 11-years-old then they'd accept their hand rather than dismiss it, as a lesson to gain dependence.

What are people's thoughts on this?

You have a child under 1 and already missed a family holiday because he insisted your dd could not come? How did you allow that to happen. He will make you choose one or other and blame you for your decision. How long have you been together? Sounds like he views dd as an inconvenience.

You will hold your daughter’s hand her whole life as she navigates things, both physically and mentally. What a stupid man.
my oldest dd is 22 and when I went to see her after she was in hospital i held her hand and we walked together chatting. Im her mum and her main support. She was scared and needed me. Don’t let this man dictate your relationship with your child.

So, now that lots of people have confirmed your instincts and shared their perceptions that your dd is being bullied by your partner, what are you intending to do about it?

Why are you staying with someone who resents your daughter? I think that's awful. Your poor daughter shouldn't have to live with an adult who treats her this way. Shame on you for not leaving already!

Your partner is a controlling dickhead, and your daughter will- quite rightly- grow to resent you if you allow this to continue. It's time to put your children first.

The comment about it being a problem you already had a child is a huge elephant sized red flag. Some people aren't cut out to be step-parents and that's fine, but then don't choose to be with someone who already has a child.

This is going to be disastrous for your DD if you don't leave this partner. I know it's not what you want to hear, but regardless of whether your new partner is a man or a woman they are going to destroy your relationship with your DD and her own self worth if you don't remove her from this person's influence.

Sounds like DD does plenty of independent things and it's your DP that has an issue. The only thing concerning about your parenting, from what you've posted here, is that you are making your DD live with someone who dislikes her and tries to undermine her relationship with you.

My eldest daughter is 18 and still holds my hand, sometimes we will be silly and link arms and skip along giggling, she’s extremely independent, she’s just very happy to show affection.
My other daughter is 17 and would be mortified if I tried to hold her hand in public on a normal day, but I’m not a fan of being in crowds in places I don’t know, I’m also very short so find I can easily loose my people so she’ll grab my hand and lead me out as though I am the child.

Holding an 11 Year olds hand is perfectly normal

Be careful. He sounds jealous.

He's behaving like a twat. Now you are noticing it. Now you are starting to join the dots. Keep observing. Keep your cards close to your chest. If you can, keep a safe and private log. But be careful.

It's going to become clearer what the situation is, if it is retrievable or not, and what you must do.

Btw, when my boy children became teenagers they started to hold my hand again in certain situations - to keep me 'safe' (!)

I’m getting the impression OP is the dad and the partner is the dd step mum, anyone else come to this conclusion?

Why do some people want to rush children out of childhood? 11 years old is a child, and holding hands for reassurance or just because is absolutely fine.

One day, your daughter will be an adult, and she may well ask "Hey Mum, why didn't you do anything when your Partner was bullying and excluding me as a child?". I hope you have a damn good answer for her OP. I would find it hard to forgive my mother if she'd allowed this.

What a horrible man

You need to leave this man, it will only get worse.

But this is like chopping down one dead tree while the whole forest around is on fire, it's one small instance of your partner being horrible about your child in a whole world of problems. So the bigger picture helps.

My dad's partner was like this, not with us showing affection but she nipped and picked and challenged us constantly, I saw a video of me and my sister canoing on a lake and her and my dad are on shore, he's videoing, and she does not stop critiquing me particularly, where I'm sitting, how I'm messing around, how I'm paddling etc. Pathetic and she was jealous of the relationship with our own dad.

Years later my sister doesn't speak to my dad or her, I don't speak to her and have somewhat a limited relationship with my dad. Sort it out op.

slightly baffled when you say;

"I have a 10-month-old son with my partner"

but then you say "My partner doesn't have their own children and our son is the only real parental experience for them"

You are obviously unsettled by their behaviour @SteadyFoot

If the partner is treating your daughter unfavourably, and is ultimately criticising your parenting, then it needs challenged, every time.

Your partner is an adult and their petty jealousy can only have a detrimental effect on your daughter. You are the advocate for you daughter, this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and requires you to, always, confront it.

Thank you for replying.

To clarify, my partner hasn't got children from a previous relationship. My comment was in reply to someone else's comment, in context it made more sense but perhaps just to me.

My mother grabbed my hand to cross the road once

I was 50.

In which way does it matter who is who? Do people on this forum make differing comments based on the OP's sex?

My daughter is in her 30 and still holds my hand when we are out but i don't think it is her being affectionate , i am pretty sure she does it because i am an "old lady" and she is keeping me safe and to stop me wandering. I am not yet 60.
Op your partner is jealous.

That word 'problem' really leapt out at me. Presumably the partner knew about the DD's existence already so why is she now a 'problem'?

This is so frightening. I am grateful to my mum for all her faults for staying single after my dad left. She said she didn’t want a man harming us or sidelining us in any way.

Ah ok, their behaviour to/about your daughter is unacceptable, please protect your girl.

The hand holding (even if you were pram pushing) is perfectly normal and required zero comment, just highlights the level of petty.

Mine said pretty much the same thing after DF died when we were children. Plus for her another man would never have matched up to him.