My partner says I'm affecting my daughter's ability to be independent

[SteadyFoot]

I have an 11-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. I have a 10-month-old son with my partner. Today, my partner said that I'm affecting my daughter's ability to be independent because she and I were holding hands whilst out on a walk...

We're on a family trip to York, the city was busy and my daughter reached out for my hand and so we held hands and walked through the city whilst I pushed our young son in his pram.

I'd say she reached out for my hand for affection and safety, she's always been an affectionate person and to me this is absolutely normal behaviour. I was loving every moment, being there for both my children, keeping them safe as is my job as a responsible and loving parent.

Considering their age and the situation we were in, I can't see where my partner is coming from at all. It was hurtful to hear them say this as I'd like to think that if our own son were to reach out for their hand at 11-years-old then they'd accept their hand rather than dismiss it, as a lesson to gain dependence.

What are people's thoughts on this?

What a nasty thing to say. My Dd is 12 and would die of embarrassment if I was to hold her hand in public. If she voluntarily reached for mine I’d be over the moon and wouldn’t be letting go until she did!

Yes it’s fine and lovely. All mine boys and girls still held my hand on occasion through choice when we were out at that age and older. It’s completely normal.

Crossing the road today, my DH instinctively said "hand please" and my 11 year old gave him her hand. I don't think my 15 year old would do the same. So I'd guess it stops somewhere between the two, but maybe not.

My daughters all hold my hand still when they want too. All teens. Nothing odd about it. He is being weird and controlling.

I have a very independent 19 year old DD who still holds my hand sometimes when it’s just the 2 of us and she wants us to walk in step talking. Your DP is super weird, there are many many ways to teach independence which do not include refusing to hold your child’s hand.

Likewise.

Ignore him.

My daughter is 20. She's at university 200 miles away, travels solo and is fiercely independent.

She also holds my hand if we go anywhere together.

OP, your child is more likely to become independent if she feels confident that she is loved and supported. If she wants to hold your hand, let her hold your hand.

Same! I think it's lovely. My daughter is 18, and on holiday, rather than day to day, will briefly hold my hand or link arms with me, she can be very affectionate when it suits. I can't imagine a child/young adult reaching for my arm or hand and batting it away, especially an 11 yr old! Is he jealous Op?

Remind him that independence isn’t whether she holds your hand, and it’s ridiculous to suggest this. He sounds jealous. Nip this in the bud asap op, it won’t end well if you let him loose on this. It’s absolutely normal to hold hands with you dd.

Absolutely normal and nothing to do with independence

I think this surely comes down to your own experiences. I don't think mine have wanted to hold my hand since they were about 5, so yes, I would find an 11 yr old holding hands a bit weird. Think I'd stopped hugging my mum in public by 10, because other kids didn't. I don't think he's necessarily a twat, just different. No one in my family is particularly tactile.

My eldest is 15 and we still sometimes hold hands! Not for safety reasons just to show affection.
Your DH sounds like he wants to push your DD out now that you have a son together

It’s a sign of the beautiful bond you have with your DD. That she still likes to hold your hand. Don’t let him ruin it. He, sadly, sounds jealous.

My 17 year old who has just spent the summer going to festivals and abroad trips with her friends (I.e. very independent!) regularly holds my hand when we go out shopping! Tell your DH to butt out.

I still sometimes hold my 13 year old son’s son. He tolerates it 😆. Certainly doesn’t affect his independence in any way. My 15 year old will not tolerate it however!

Complete and utter rubbish from your partner. My adult dd and ai often hold hands, as do I with my ancient mum. It’s affection and being comfortable with each other.

What else does this prince say about your relationships with people?

Exactly this. Honestly, the hysteria on this thread over one example of behaviour.
I certainly wasn’t holding my parents’ hands at age 11, as to do so would have been considered odd. But each to her own.

Sounds like he wants your dd out the picture now your own baby has come along as that’s not normal.

Keep an eye open for more if there hasn’t already been lots.

It would be totally different if you were forcefully grabbing her hand and making her walk with you.

As you said, she reached out for your hand. It was a nice moment. What’s his problem??

Ignore - if it works for you two, then it is fine.

It is also very cultural. I live outside of the UK, and it is much more normal to see adults, arm in arm or holding hands here - especially women, but even some boys/men.

(I honestly thought that there was a huge lesbian population here, when I first came here, as my U.K. brain is so ingrained to think that any adults holding hands or arm in arm are couples)

I have a non-U.K. friend and she will hold the arm of elderly relatives when walking along, not for stability or help, just for affection and care. And its lovely - I couldn't do it, I'm too awkward and British, but I do think its nice.

Was it just because you held her hand when she reached for it? Because I agree that by itself would be a ridiculous leap to you affecting her independence. But if she frequently reaches for your hand for safety, and he was meaning in the broader sense you aren't developing her independence enough, then he might be on to something. Though can't tell one way or the other from what you've posted.

I might be reading too much into this but it sounds like he's resentful of the bond and wants your attention to be on his own child. It happens in so many cases

I would guess he thinks you should be holding HIS hand, not your daughter’s. Twat.

I’m afraid i immediately jumped to this thought too.

Why exactly is he trying to place distance between you and your DD at such a crucial and vulnerable age?

Hi, you know that it’s completely fine to be holding your daughter’s hand. Please do not adjust your behaviour. Comments like this are around his discomfort but he may not even know why it causes him discomfort so ignore it. In my life the issues have come from me adjusting to keep everyone happy, apart from myself. Your future self will be happy you did what was right for both you and your daughter to maintain the close bond you have.

I agree with this. I don't see many kids past around 5 years old, holding parents hands so it sounds unusual to me.