Would you date a man who is in the middle of a divorce?

[messyhairdontcare25]

I’ve been seeing a man who is currently divorcing his wife of 30 years.

He’s currently selling the home they share and it’s 3 months until the divorce is complete. The worry I have is that I’m weary of getting hurt the more I fall for him. He wants me to meet his mum, his family and likes to stay at my place a few times a week. I’ve put a stop to the overnight stays at the moment.

It feels lovely in a lot of ways and he treats me extremely well, but there’s this feeling he doesn’t know what he’s doing and is maybe love bombing me. I sometimes forget he’s not single and free. He’s very intense and buying me gifts and declaring his love constantly.

He has been unhappy in his marriage for ten years. I’ve seen all the divorce paperwork so know it’s happening and the house for sale. He’s getting very intense with his feelings but alarm bells are ringing saying not to date him again until after he’s divorced. I feel vulnerable even when he tries to reassure me I have nothing to worry about.

I’m struggling with him communicating with his ex about house affairs (in front of me the other day sending messages - he later apologised) and that he’ll be looking after their dog for a few weeks when she goes on holiday next month in their home. He lives between their house and his mums but fear he’s mostly at theirs.

He could turn around and get back with her at any point…Even when he’s officially divorced, will he be ready? I just feel I’m going to get hurt here…It all feels too risky right now

It can be ok depending on what the divorcing person wants.
My exH got a girlfriend relatively quickly but kept it pretty casual and it still is years later, he says he will never marry again, never get financially tied again or buy property with someone and she seems the same.

However, in your case he is rushing to introduce you to family etc which is the concern. It sounds too much like he wants to end his marriage and then step into something very similar rather than slowing down and getting to know who he is now as a single person.

The danger is he will repeat the same mistakes with you that led to his marriage ending (and there will be mistakes on both sides whatever he says) because he hasn't had time to truly reflect and grow.

Yeah, and it also sounds like he needs somewhere to live.

I’ve told him I need to take a big step back and he needs to focus on his divorce and his house sale. No more stay overs and behaving like a couple when he’s still so involved with his wife. I just have this overwhelming urge that I need to protect myself here even though I really like him. I don’t want to get hurt and I’ve told him this. I’m more concerned that he’s not processing the end of his marriage and that I’m a great distraction for him even though he’s telling me that’s not the case. Maybe we should just be friends and then reassess when he’s got less going on…

Sounds very sensible.
If you are a good pairing you still will be in a little while once he has his affairs more settled.
Hope it works out for you.

I’m more concerned that he’s not processing the end of his marriage

100% Correct.

There's a v real risk of you being collateral damage.

So how did he respond?

No, been there done that, regretted it. They lived separately but she used to message and because he was a decent chap, he used to help her if she asked (lift, shopping, house stuff). We were getting on famously then he let me down a couple times (cancelled evenings out etc). We talked and I explained that having gone through a divorce (3 years earlier) I needed him to be honest with me. He said that he was still hoping they'd get back together and was sorry. 5 years on we bumped into each other & he admitted it was the biggest mistake he had ever made, letting me down and losing me. Hes still single, fully divorced and alone as far as I know. Im in a relationship and happy. Just wait until everything is done and dusted and the " hold" has disappeared. I was really hurt at the time but obviously there was someone else for me. Sadly not for him, he really was a lovely chap, his ex was just a narcissistic bitch and it took him too long to see it.

Yep, currently and the divorce proceedings haven't started yet.
In my case they've been living apart for 18 months.
He was worried about dating while he was still legally married. I pointed out that if everybody waited until the decree absolute there'd be a lot of lonely people out there.
It may not work out but I took the informed decision to give it a go.

Remember that MN, for all its uses has a different set of standards to the real world.

Me too. I haven’t even started divorce proceedings yet because STBXH isn’t mentally prepared, and DP’s is just about to go to court. It can take a long time to untangle marriages that are decades long and to settle everything for the family so that everyone is (more or less) happy.

DP and I are very happy together and have been for the last couple of years. There is absolutely no dependency on each other at all in terms of finances or living together but we are very committed to each other.

if he can rebuild his life and maintain your relationship, then why not. You are dating, it should be fun and light hearted.
if he is looking for a replacement wife, then run…

@SmallDFartyCarNRGhow is your friend coping with the weirdness? My STBXH had his second sleepover with the girlfriend this weekend and came home with a portion of moussaka, which he said was for me.

I'm being offered girlfriend moussaka! I'll probably have it for lunch because he makes an excellent moussaka but still, its a bit weird.

He brought home girlfriend moussaka....for his wife of 20 years! It's our 20th anniversary this week. He is away for 2 days, possibly with the girlfriend. It will be nice to not have him in the house for a couple of days.

No just stop seeing him. Suggest he contacts after the divorce is through. If you both feel the same way then go for it.