Would you date a man who is in the middle of a divorce?

[messyhairdontcare25]

I’ve been seeing a man who is currently divorcing his wife of 30 years.

He’s currently selling the home they share and it’s 3 months until the divorce is complete. The worry I have is that I’m weary of getting hurt the more I fall for him. He wants me to meet his mum, his family and likes to stay at my place a few times a week. I’ve put a stop to the overnight stays at the moment.

It feels lovely in a lot of ways and he treats me extremely well, but there’s this feeling he doesn’t know what he’s doing and is maybe love bombing me. I sometimes forget he’s not single and free. He’s very intense and buying me gifts and declaring his love constantly.

He has been unhappy in his marriage for ten years. I’ve seen all the divorce paperwork so know it’s happening and the house for sale. He’s getting very intense with his feelings but alarm bells are ringing saying not to date him again until after he’s divorced. I feel vulnerable even when he tries to reassure me I have nothing to worry about.

I’m struggling with him communicating with his ex about house affairs (in front of me the other day sending messages - he later apologised) and that he’ll be looking after their dog for a few weeks when she goes on holiday next month in their home. He lives between their house and his mums but fear he’s mostly at theirs.

He could turn around and get back with her at any point…Even when he’s officially divorced, will he be ready? I just feel I’m going to get hurt here…It all feels too risky right now

I met my husband when he was getting divorced.

As the saying goes; no one falls in love quicker than a man who needs a roof over his head. He won't want to use his money renting - he'll see it as a waste. He's also used to being looked after by a woman. Now he has a house shaped and woman shaped hole in his life, and you'll slot right in. Don't do it! Let him live independently for a while. (He won't, he'll stay at his parents waiting for you to let him move in)

I did. He's out the other side. Still very happy years later.

Absolutely not.

Yes. I did.

I met my husband when I was still married, but living seperate lives. We've been married more than 10 years now. I'm sure he didn't believe me for a long time when I said it was over with my 25 year marriage.

He is single and free. Regardless of the status of the divorce you know that people can never actually own each other, right?

And they have adult children who have their own children? They're Grandparents who are divorcing? I don't think you understand that level of being done with a relationship.

The love bombing is a different matter. Keep an eye on that. Is the 'love' ever abruptly withdrawn? Do you have to work for it in any way?

Try asking him not to buy you anything for a while. His response will tell you a lot of what you need to know.

I think we have instincts for a reason and I'd also be wary of a man who doesn't have a full time home. He needs to sort his base out that isn't your house and get settled before dating again tbh.

I didn't have kids with exhusband and was a short marriage.

And even if I have done I certainly wouldn't have been " staying at home looking after kids"

Chances are if it's a 30 year marriage the kids have long gone so Hardly an excuse that you might have stayed at home a few years 2 decades ago

OP, I don’t think anyone can give you a yes or no, or give you a definitive length of time post split/divorce date etc.

anecdotal evidence is just that - anecdotal. Many posters on here have told their cautionary tales so we know that this situation has pitfalls. But I could have written your post almost word for word and we’ve now been married for 16 years, happy as lambs.

I think the love bombing is to be watched but don’t hyperfixate on every little thing. Anyone who has been unhappy for 10 years and finally feels free again could well be a bit over the top, it’s not always sinister.

I’d take it as slow as makes you feel comfortable - it’s his reaction to that that will tell you the most.

That man has no business dating anybody right now. For so many reasons!
I'd take a few steps back and cool things down if not step away altogether.

After 30 years of marriage, this guy is used to being paired up. That's why he's found a new gf so quick. He's used to having a wife to take care of the home, so he's comfortable staying at your place multiple nights a week. You slot into the wife/gf space in his life nicely and I bet you treat him nicely when he's there.

I wouldn't date someone in the middle of a divorce. If they rush things, they just want a replacement woman. A month and he's telling you he loves you? That's a big red flag.

He doesn't want to be alone.

You made a good start telling him no more overnights. I'd take that further and tell him you'll date him when he's got his post divorce life in order with a place to live and working and not so much focus on the ex. But she's always going to be a part of his life and if that bothers you, get out now. Don't let him move right in. I get the feeling he's looking for a comfy landing spot and right now, you're it.

Just to clarify:

He was with his wife 19 years and happy.

Then he had 10 miserable years. But he stayed with her anyway (did he book counselling through these years? Post online for ideas? Read Gottmans work?).

He met you in year 29 for the first time and you were ‘just good friends’.

He told his wife it’s over in year 30.

Started dating you immediately.

After one month he loves you.

Now he’s so comfy with you he is texting his ex wife from your bed?

When you say nothing went on between you in year 29 of his marriage do you mean physically or emotionally?

There is a book called ‘Not Just Friends’ I think the author is Dr Glass - it explains how ‘just friends’ is often an emotional affair.

No - I wouldn’t touch this man with a barge pole. He goes home to his wife still. I don’t find any such man attractive or a catch. Bet he chats to her when he’s sat on the loo in the ensuite and shes reading a novel in bed.

How do his children feel about you and dad's new relationship.?

Be friends again and then see what happens a year from his divorce. But I wouldn’t get serious with him now.

@messyhairdontcare25 not an issue for me, when I met husband he was still legally married, but separated and no longer together. Married justvafter divorce was finalised. Never was a problem. No kids. Etc.

Does the ex wife realise he is messaging her from someone else's bed?
Pretty grim for her too I would have thought?
It's kind of like it's all ok for him and all about him.
It doesn't sit right and I would feel so uncomfortable about him texting her from my bed too.

WHEN did they break up!

no because he's still married. Also, they might make it up

Tricky one to answer. If it was our friend, going through a divorce after 9 years, I would say steer clear because he isn’t in the right head space…

however I started dating DH while he was going through property settlement negotiations etc which were delayed by the other party, and here we are after 31 years.

I think there is no right or wrong answer…

My partners going through a divorce I'm divorced too and we very madly in love and Co habit very happy together . it is possible to come out of one relationship and into another and it to work , most married couples have separate bedrooms and lead many years being miserable, staying together for the kids blah blah blah , u see it on here all the time, staying married scared to do anything about it . Go with your gut instinct and what your heart tells you and be cautious too.

Never a truer word!!

Sounds far convenient to me. And far too quick..

Not being disrespectful to you. But l.know of a number of men like this. Any port in a storm?

They were very unhappy in their marriages but could not cope by themselves through or after the divorce

Then just dated and moved in with first reason that came along. Or someone they hardly knew. Recipe for a disaster

You need someone genuine that doesn't have all this baggage.

A man’s “divorce status” is a red herring.

Plenty of men (and women) have moved on emotionally and practically from their marriage before the divorce is finalised.

Equally, some men (and women) haven’t healed long after their divorces…

Yep
I'd be running not walking