Would you date a man who is in the middle of a divorce?

[messyhairdontcare25]

I’ve been seeing a man who is currently divorcing his wife of 30 years.

He’s currently selling the home they share and it’s 3 months until the divorce is complete. The worry I have is that I’m weary of getting hurt the more I fall for him. He wants me to meet his mum, his family and likes to stay at my place a few times a week. I’ve put a stop to the overnight stays at the moment.

It feels lovely in a lot of ways and he treats me extremely well, but there’s this feeling he doesn’t know what he’s doing and is maybe love bombing me. I sometimes forget he’s not single and free. He’s very intense and buying me gifts and declaring his love constantly.

He has been unhappy in his marriage for ten years. I’ve seen all the divorce paperwork so know it’s happening and the house for sale. He’s getting very intense with his feelings but alarm bells are ringing saying not to date him again until after he’s divorced. I feel vulnerable even when he tries to reassure me I have nothing to worry about.

I’m struggling with him communicating with his ex about house affairs (in front of me the other day sending messages - he later apologised) and that he’ll be looking after their dog for a few weeks when she goes on holiday next month in their home. He lives between their house and his mums but fear he’s mostly at theirs.

He could turn around and get back with her at any point…Even when he’s officially divorced, will he be ready? I just feel I’m going to get hurt here…It all feels too risky right now

Absolutely not. I'm not a therapy centre for men who should know better. Despite him saying the marriage has been "over" for years, it is still an intense process getting divorced and decent people focus on that and healing before venturing out into the dating world. He sounds selfish and immature.

No is the short answer. If he isnt a psycopqth he really needs to resolve a lot of feelings right now and you might end up hurt in the fall out. Men at this point dont have much they can control and can be volitile or just need somewhere to live. It will complicate the fun out of any romance. Esp if he goes on about her being crazy or gold digging - you'll get the ick.

Well personally I wouldn’t date a legally married man under any circumstances. I do sympathise that it can drag but no matter how long the divorce process has been going on for I’d want them to focus on getting their relationship status shit together legally first before I entertain them at all.

That aside, in this case he’s only separated for 6 months and this has obviously been going on for a while with OP so he didn’t even wait half a year. And this is following a long marriage.

Good job everyone doesn't feel the same My grandmother had been separated for more than 15 years when she met my mums dad but legally still married

Of course everyone doesn’t feel the same. I mean that goes without saying.

OP asked for opinions so I was just chiming in with mine 🤷🏻‍♀️ Definitely not something I’d consider but of course Op will make her own choices.

So, he was married for 30 years, they agreed to divorce and then he started dating you only 4 weeks later after being friends. It sounds very soon. Why is he planning on renting and not buying, surely there must be some decent equity available. If you want to carry on seeing him, I would take a step back from family involvement, it seems pretty unseemly to be visiting his parents when he is so recently separated and not yet divorced. How old are the children?

Just to give you the other perspective, this was me. I'd been trapped in an unhappy marriage for 30 years, the last 10 dreaming of escape. So I was very much ready to move on as soon as I was free. We'd lived very separate lives, separate bedrooms, separate holidays....

Of course he likes being at yours several times per week. Better than being at his parents . Next he'll have moved in by stealth.
Listen to your instincts and slow him right down.

i'ld give him a chance but 6 months is very soon. I think a year would make me more comfortable. divorces can last years

I get that but isn't it more that he is actually mid divorce so involved in the messy process which isn't easy & does the OP want to potentially be dragged into this?

Waiting or cooling off a bit until he is properly free to move on would make sense. Definitely not sure meeting family etc is a good idea at this stage.

op i ended my unhappy marriage 6 months ago i’m not in any shape to even date because i’m undoing the connection and it takes a lot of time. tears and craft supplies in my case. if a man turned up right now I just couldn’t do a ‘clean start’ because there is too much big stuff going on psychologically and i’m half a year from when we told family and year from when i knew it needed to end and i still need more time.

if he is a fully formed adult he will understand you needing some time. if he is immature he won’t.

Going through a divorce is a very lonely process, and there are lots of emotions. Every situation is very different and you can't judge on if they still live with the ex, how long they were married, why they fell out etc.
Right now he's all over the place. In limbo, and op is the one constant. Of course this is not fair on the op, and pretty certain it won't last beyond the end of the divorce because he will need space to breath then..
If you can /want to support him as a friend, that's great, but keep him out of anything permenannt, because whilst he thinks this is "it'. It really is not!
I was with someone thought my divorce and he was my absolute rock. Though I never wanted anything permanent, it quickly fizzled out within months of me having my own space.
Be kind, because everything in his life is under the microscope and there is a lot of uncertainty, but preserve yourself too.
Take the presents and attention!

True, but I dated my current partner as I was getting divorced. He'd been divorced for several years when I met him, I was just going through it all. Actually he was a great support having been through it himself. So I guess perhaps I was the red flag. But I was so ready, and tried not to inflict any of the stress side on him. In fact, it was pretty straightforward and my divorce came through perhaps a year into our relationship.

A good (male) friend of mine ended his near 30 year marriage recently and is going through divorce.
He confides in me a lot, and his emotional state is not something I'd want to get involved in.
He's not crazy or anything, in fact he's a nice guy, he's just up and down between optimistic and excited about the future and the opposite.
He's also not looking for anything yet. 3 months separated, living in house, and a couple of months from divorce being finalised.
He's being sensible, I think many people rush into it before their emotions are settled.
I would step back and wait - there's no rush. If he feels like this in 6 months time, then go for it.

At the moment he’s infatuated with you.

Nothing in life is guaranteed, but it can sometimes work. Your situation is not unique.

Just be very careful and be prepared in your mind if it doesn’t.

You don’t!!! Why do you need someone so badly in your life that you put up with this? I used to be needy and want to settle for anything, but now if it causes stress or doesn’t serve me well I don’t even entertain it! Get happy on your own and hold your boundaries in the dating world! The fact you’re getting upset that’s he’s communicating with his ex because he is getting a divorce screams red flags on your part!

@secretrockerthis, exactly! People are so scared of being alone! I’ve held my boundaries and can’t find anyone worth settling for in four years! Yet people rebound just as they’re getting a divorce! PLEASE! These people are just settling to make themselves feel better!

He’s been in a dead marriage for years and is suddenly free. You are new and exciting and everything he’s been missing for years and he’s giddy with it. But that doesn’t make it real or even about you. You are right to be very wary and protect yourself.

No way it's not over until it's over and you'll get dragged into their mess!

I would be extremely wary. He's been in a failing relationship for years and is no doubt excited to have someone who admires him and wants him sexually.
But.... men so rarely marry 'the nurse'. You dont want to support him through the divorce and then once it's settled, he skips off to find someone all fresh and new

'Just drifted apart' for 10 years is the refrain of a man who didn't recognise someone elses emotional needs and allowed resentment to build and not given a shit for 10 years!

Sounds like he's realised he'll soon have to do his own laundry, cook his own dinner and do his own life admin. His parents won't want him there long-term (or he's worried he'll end up having to care for them/ will have his options restricted there). I think he's trying to set up a situation where it 'just makes more sense' to move in with you than to get his own place in 3 months time.

Be very careful, I predict he's suddenly very keen because he's looking for the next person to do his life admin for him and worried he'll actually be on his own if he doesn't trap woo you now!

Exactly this! How long have you been going out with him op?

I would be worried because the end of a marriage and household together after thirty years is huge and traumatising for everyone.

I’d be worried that he is using you as his “justification” and to “soften the blow” so he doesn’t have to face the reality of it.

I think you are wise to be wary. I wouldn’t have thought that anyone would be emotionally ready to commit to someone else after a break up of that magnitude, for quite a while?

And there’s chance that the ex and the dog will be a constant feature in your life too op,

Red flags everywhere.
He’s love bombing you because he wants a home to move straight into and a female to look after him. Best case he’s on the rebound.
You also don’t sound fully secure within yourself - this isn’t going to work.
Tell him to sort himself out for a year, get himself a place to live, focus on his relationship with his kids and sorting things out his ex then you can start dating.

I'd step back and observe him. If he is the person he claims to be then nothing will be lost with time and him living on his own for a while. Any healthy person would want that for themselves to stand on their own feet get themselves stable and settled. Focused on the children and stabilising life after a divorce.

If he pressures you or love bombs can't accept you yourself would like to slow down and wait/not move in/not rush. Then there's your answer.
I'd be very aware I might just be a cosy ticket for this guy rather than any real feelings. You deserve someone to want you for YOU op not because you're convenient.

Having grown up watching many men but my father particularly,anyone of the women he dated could of been interchanged it was never about them but about what they provided for him. Ofcourse he said all the right things love bombed them made them feel special. Untill anything was asked of him that made him wait or was uncomfortable for him. Then he'd move to the next victim.
You deserve more than that op!

I did, in fact, whilst they had been separated for six months when I met him, they hadn't started divorce proceedings yet, he started them when he met me. We've been married 24 years now and counting, no kids involved though, which I think makes a big difference.