Would you date a man who is in the middle of a divorce?

[messyhairdontcare25]

I’ve been seeing a man who is currently divorcing his wife of 30 years.

He’s currently selling the home they share and it’s 3 months until the divorce is complete. The worry I have is that I’m weary of getting hurt the more I fall for him. He wants me to meet his mum, his family and likes to stay at my place a few times a week. I’ve put a stop to the overnight stays at the moment.

It feels lovely in a lot of ways and he treats me extremely well, but there’s this feeling he doesn’t know what he’s doing and is maybe love bombing me. I sometimes forget he’s not single and free. He’s very intense and buying me gifts and declaring his love constantly.

He has been unhappy in his marriage for ten years. I’ve seen all the divorce paperwork so know it’s happening and the house for sale. He’s getting very intense with his feelings but alarm bells are ringing saying not to date him again until after he’s divorced. I feel vulnerable even when he tries to reassure me I have nothing to worry about.

I’m struggling with him communicating with his ex about house affairs (in front of me the other day sending messages - he later apologised) and that he’ll be looking after their dog for a few weeks when she goes on holiday next month in their home. He lives between their house and his mums but fear he’s mostly at theirs.

He could turn around and get back with her at any point…Even when he’s officially divorced, will he be ready? I just feel I’m going to get hurt here…It all feels too risky right now

My guess is his wife has initiated the divorce because she's also been unhappy for years. He probably hasn't been - he's probably just been trundling along unaware. Now he's got the shock of her leaving, he does not want to be alone because that would mean not having someone else to do everything and manage everything. So he thinks you're alright, and you can be the new wife, to serve him.

I'm not saying he doesn't like you, but he's just looking for a replacement. If he likes you "because you're nothing like her", that will backfire - he will end up resenting you for not being exactly as she is/was, because that was comfortable for him. If you stay with him and marry him, all the same problems he's had with his current wife will exist.

The process of the divorce will drive you mad - he doesn't hate her, so his priority will be keeping her at bay, not making you happy.

Classic rebound. He's got used to being a child, and he's looking for a new mum.

There is no man more in 'love' than the one who needs an emergency replacement roof over their head/ housekeeper.

Don't fall for the love bombing op. You'll regret it dearly once he shows his true colours.

No I wouldn’t. I have learned to prioritise myself and protect myself.

In my bitter experience men see women as largely interchangable. I agree with pps on this. It's all about what feels good to them, what they can get (not all men).

Any man who was deeply committed to their specific wife, and the idea of marriage and committment for life, wouldn't say "we drifted apart". They'd talk about doing everything they could to work it out. They'd mention their sadness and regret about it ending.

Also, the divorce process is a total nightmare. My xh clung on to the next woman who crossed his path, to lean on throughout it. They didn't last of course.

My advice - tell him it's much too soon. Break up. Let him go through the hard times and rebuild his life without using a woman.

At the end of that (maybe a couple of years), see if he still wants you, or all this "love" he currently feels was simply transferred onto another woman.

I think it’s fine, to be honest most relationship type men do want to move on quickly so if you dump him now he will find someone else he won’t wait around for a year until his paper work is signed.
however with the love bombing etc - just communicate and tell him it’s too much too soon. If he’s normal he’ll listen. The boundary will be the test.
it’s very unlikely he’ll want to get back with her.

Total guesswork, and likely complete rubbish.

See my divorce process wasn't a nightmare at All. Filled in forms, paid the fees end of. Can't remember any aggro or

My ex was living with someone else by the and still with her all these years later

I think it depends on an amicable financial settlement.
OP's new partner sounds as though he has a good job and there is expectations of being able to buy a new house (seemingly while leaving the family home intact), which is quite a minority position, but comes with a lot of financial tinkering which can take time and become very contentious.

We were under the " get what you came with" scenerio which was perfectly fair

My current partner bought his ex wife out of the house and handed d over half his pensions

Gets harder if the woman has stayed at home to raise the kids and he is as rich as the OP's partner is largely on the back of her labour and not keeping a career, IME.

It’s the messaging his ex arranging things regarding the house in my bed that suddenly made me think this is too messy…plus he’s looking after the dog in a couple of weeks at the house they are selling and there’s a new granddaughter about to be born any day now and they have shared group all sharing photos - it makes me uncomfortable.

I’ve told him it’s going too fast and I need some space. I’ve also said that I’m worried about being hurt and that I might be a distraction from him processing all this. Of course he says he won’t hurt me and he’s processed the end of his marriage over the last few years while in it.

Don’t get me wrong, I know he has grown up children and grandchildren which I fully accept but I feel he’s still very much in his old life right now - when I express concerns he says it’s all very transactional and he can’t wait for it to over but I just feel weird about it all.

I think it's very difficult with any relationship at this age there's always going to be baggage and in a way the fact that he is actively involved in his children and grandchildren's lives proves he's a decent guy.

But I'm seeing it all from my perspective of course where my divorce wasn't stressful at all I was very much ready to move on and had been for years and I met somebody I really liked and he really liked me and we committed to each other.

I am very amicable with his ex-wife and his children. It kind of feels like a grown up way of doing things.

You are spot on OP. He isn't as disentangled as he wants to make out he is. Not a bad thing as at least he isn't just ditching them all and buggering off with the new woman, but it is messy and uncomfortable for you.
I couldn't do it. I bet you have other options.

How long ago did that happen

I am on the other side of this. My STBXH is dating. They started dating 3 months into separation, still in the same house, joint bank account for bills, still eat together most nights as we take it in turns to cook for DS.

I don't mind at all that he's dating, his mood dramatically improved since he started having sleepovers, but I do judge the woman a bit. Obviously I don't know what he's told her but it does seem like an odd choice for her to make.

I do judge him too but I really dont like him so I suppose for me its a good thing as his mood has improved, but for the new girlfriend, or for you in a similar position, it really doesn't seem like a good idea.

Exactly @CornedBeef451 I have a friend in a similar situation and he is talking about having kids with her, seemingly without telling her he needed IVF due to low motility...she is younger. My friend is quite fine with it because she is good with their kids and she doesn't have to put up with her ex any more (I imagine it also cuts out a lot of the anger and rage a lot of men get and take out on the ex) but we all feel a bit confused as to why this young vibrant woman who has a wealthy family wants an older guy who hasn't really proved himself to be reliable or honest - she was with him before the split so she certainly knows he is a cheater. It doesn't make sense to the outside world.

This has disaster written all over it. Sorry.

Even though the children are grown, they'll probably hate you. Especially if you've been 'friends' with him prior to the actual divorce.

And despite being unhappy he was prepared to stay there for 10byeaes becuase she was doing all the cooking, cleaning and generally taking care of everyone.

Now he wants to stay at yours regularly for the same reasons.....Just guessing?

What are his living arrangements as a "single" man?

IMO everyone needs decent period of being alone in-between relationships.

Lots of people (women too) stay for years when they're unhappy, for lots of reasons.
It's not that easy to separate a lot of the time.

So he is in your bed before he has even moved out of the marital home and got his own bed somewhere else?

Slow right down. Stop him staying overnight at your place for the next three or four months or so. Just stick to dating outside your home, one or two dates a week, no more. If you want sex, go to a hotel for a weekend away, pending him getting his own place.
Then if/when he has his own place, make sure you spend at least half of nights together at his place, and a good half or third of nights alone. So only about once or twice a week at your place, absolute max.

If it lasts, don't let him move into your place for at least five years.

He’s still ‘IN’ his marriage. Do you really want a man who can’t stand on his own two feet?

What's the age difference between you? I'm guessing you're a lot younger?

No I wouldn't.

6 months is no time. He isn't even divorced. If you want a few nice dates/bit of a fling maybe yeah - knowing that he could end up back with his wife. this isn't going to grow into a full committed relationship. it is way too soon after a 30 year marriage that isn't even officially dissolved yet. He sounds like he is enjoying having a girlfriend but has not yet really disconnected from his 30 year marriage - why would he. that's a hell of a long marriage. Save yourself the heartache, OP, and move on.

Yes, but when they do leave they generally don't rush into another relationship.

It's amazing how many men fall in love so quickly when they need somewhere to live and someone to clean up after them.