Feeling like my MIL is the second wife

[Oum7683]

To cut a long story short I love my husband but his mum is a pain in the arse.
she lives with us although seperate dwellings in one large house - my husband bought his house with the help of his mother who gifted him half and he mortgaged the rest. After a few months he met me and fast forward we are married with a 3 month old son. We now plan to move and my husband is selling our house - only its not our house because my husband has told me hes giving back to his mother her “gift” and fifty percent of all the remaining money so shes set up as he feels guilty for spending her money when he was younger and wants her to be looked after but to me this is at our expense as we wont be able to afford a deposit and will be renting privately. My husband feels Im being unreasonable, maybe I am but I don’t feel that I am, I feel he should be prioritising his own family and child.
Also to put things into perspective Ive had such awful dealings with this MIL she is no picnic by any stretch and feel that my husband is trying to avoid a kick off by her.
Initial thoughts?

Yes but I think she was hoping for a similar situation and living arrangement as now. Which we were trying to accomodate initially as long as it was a seperate dwelling. However nothing was suitable for her and she wanted us to transfer all profits for the house to her so she would buy the house in her name and we would live in the annex and her in main house. Shes one person we are two adults three children. There was just no compromise. Nothing suited etc. Now she wants her money back fifty percent of profit and for us to rent privately

Yeah I did say last night he either gets us marraige counselling or I walk away. I also told him if I divorced him tomorrow Id get 50% of house anyway and then his mother would get fuck all so tbf money making decisions should be ran by me and not just decided by him. But that was anger speaking

Your MIL is financially abusive and your husband is stuck in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). His mum was legally obliged to support him when he was a child. Failure to do that would mean that he would have been taken into care and she probably would have been prosecuted. He doesn't need to pay her back for parenting him as a child.

His mum certainly isn't like other mums. She is a total bitch and you should tell him that you want him to reimburse you for your share of all the mortgage payments and bills that you have paid.

Yes the interest idea is a good idea

Yeah definitely there is a cycle but never thought of it as financial abuse so thats interesting Ive always just thought she uses money to control people

I don't think mil is being unreasonable.
Surely her deposit and 50% of the profit would be correct ie
Purchase price 200k
Deposit 100k (paid by mil)
100k mortgage
Selling price 250k
Mil gets deposit and half increase 125k
Husband gets 125k then pays off his existing mortgage (90k) so has 35k.
Then uses 35k for deposit and buys a smaller house as no need for a large house that encompasses 2 separate households.

Don't forget mil would either have been earning interest on the 100k or living in her own appreciating asset if she had not put the 100k into the house the op now lives in. She had sacrificed this to help her son.

OP this is a crazy situation but I would be selling and moving to a caravan if it got me away. I think you sell she gets her 50% back even though it was a gift, she gets 50% of profits, BUT minus all of the payments you and your DH have made over the years.

I would be moving to a different part of the country as well, and failing this divorce your DH is weak and allowing this to happen, or maybe suggest some outside geo so he can see who wrong this is, my worry for you is long term he will control your money and life as it’s a pattern he’s grown up with.

This is my take on it.

House cost $200K.

MIL paid 100k, son got mortgage for 100K.

Property market has increased, house is now worth 250K and sells for 250K.

MIL's share of sale price is 125K (50%), son's share is 125K (50%). However, son has to repay mortgage (say 80K), son pockets 45K.

MIL deserves her original gift/loan back and 50% of the difference between purchase price and sale price as the housing market she is now entering has also increased in cost since the original gift/loan.

ETA: Given that in the first few years the mortgage repayments mostly pay towards the interest with only a teeny tiny amount paying towards the balance of the mortgage, I would be very surprised if the son's outstanding mortgage is less than 95% of the original bank loan. Of course that depends on how long it is since he took out the mortgage and whether he has been paying extra on the repayments.

Eh? She said they both pay the mortgage.

cow off.

So true!

Yes we are both FT workers and both pay mortgage and bills. Im also his wife so of course it has something to do with me

I’m assuming from the wording OP has used that MIL does not legally own the house. When you make a “gift” you have to explicitly assure the mortgage company that you have no legal claim to the home.

MIL has also not paid anything towards the home since living in it.

If your DH wanted to return her gift that is generous of him (though morally correct, considering she likely only made the gift as they would be living together).

Anything above the gift though is daft and frankly it is not only his decision considering you have also been paying towards the mortgage and you’re married.

Charming

Morally it would feel right to me to give her back her gift adjusted for inflation. I can also see a moral case to instead share 50% of the total sale (minus costs of sale) equally but then you should deduct her share of all the bills paid for the period she has lived there and share of any house repairs or improvements. Presumably half till you moved in, then 1/3rd. It would be interesting to see which of those calculations were higher.
Then you can walk away guilt free and leave her to it. Preferably far away.

She sounds horrendous, OP, I do feel for you. That said, your husband sounds spineless in his dealings with her and is not making you his priority. Maybe it's time to consider your options.

But the husbands contribution was the same, he didn't put down any money, he only took out the mortgage for the other 50%, so why does he get to decide to sign iff not just the half but halfof the rest on top of that? 5% of value is still 5%, if it was your 5% I bet you would be moaning like if there was no tomorrow.

It is true though. Any financial decision made by my husband affects me and our family. If he runs up a debt etc thats my debt too. Fact of the matter is that we are married so we both have to consult each other when it comes to all matters thats how marraiges work.

This is what I think

I understand what youre saying. She did this to help her son get on the property ladder etc and to benefit him while she is alive, the other motive is to live with him and control him. Fast forward a hood few years he is married and has a family, the purpose of any profit will be to do just as the MIL intended in the first place. Only now shes gonna be living seperate so has her knickers in a twist. Its all down to her own behaviour mind you. I guarantee if I wrote a list of what weve had to deal with, and you had this MIL you would feel the exact same. Anyway its not so much about the financial aspect for me but more how his mothers wants, wishes, etc are given priority over his wifes. Every decision we make as a married couple has to go theough his mother or discussed with her.

Not at all, your Maths is way off! MIL would be getting the original 50% and then 50% of the increased value, this would work out as 50% of the current value. It's this second payment which might offer scope for negotiation.

How is the house owned, is it in her son's name, joint names his and hos mother's, or are there two titles?

When the son took out the mortgage for the house, did he have to declare where the other 50% was coming from, did he say a gift or a loan?

Gift means gift does it not. MIL would not necessarily get it back if couple were to divorce

Its his house and name on title, she had to sign that she has zero interest in the house

No, if he wants to be nice he can give her back the money she gifted him, with interest if he has to, but that’s it.

Otherwise I would be petitioning for divorce and taking a higher percentage.

He needs to stand up to her!

Yes he is only child and the idea was to set him up while she’s alive. He comes from quite a wealthy family. The idea was to help him get and stay on the property ladder. Well that is what she says.

Its solely in his name and she has signed that she has no interest in the property, the money was gifted to him