Feeling like my MIL is the second wife

[Oum7683]

To cut a long story short I love my husband but his mum is a pain in the arse.
she lives with us although seperate dwellings in one large house - my husband bought his house with the help of his mother who gifted him half and he mortgaged the rest. After a few months he met me and fast forward we are married with a 3 month old son. We now plan to move and my husband is selling our house - only its not our house because my husband has told me hes giving back to his mother her “gift” and fifty percent of all the remaining money so shes set up as he feels guilty for spending her money when he was younger and wants her to be looked after but to me this is at our expense as we wont be able to afford a deposit and will be renting privately. My husband feels Im being unreasonable, maybe I am but I don’t feel that I am, I feel he should be prioritising his own family and child.
Also to put things into perspective Ive had such awful dealings with this MIL she is no picnic by any stretch and feel that my husband is trying to avoid a kick off by her.
Initial thoughts?

What do you mean nothing?
If the mortgage is let's say £1000 pcm (lower estimate), she has been paying £6000 a year for 3+ years. Maybe £20000 is 'virtually nothing' to you, but Id rather have it in the bank account than not.

This is surely a reverse?

You sound quite grabby, OP.

Congratulations on your baby op!

I totally agree with this post ^^. The initial arrangement between your dh and your mil was intended to be mutually beneficial. She had him living nearby and he got on the property ladder. Once one side of that agreement is withdrawn, then I think it is up to the other to compensate.

However, I don’t understand why your dh thinks it’s necessary to pay back more than he was lent? Is it a lot more than just the interest? Unless your mil really needs the money to survive? Maybe she isn’t as well off as you assume? And she needed your dh’s financial help as much as he needed hers?

Does your dh have siblings? If not, presumably your dh will inherit this asset anyway in the long term?

I can understand you not wanting to live in the same house as your mil but don’t dismiss out of hand the financial benefit of having a live-in baby-sitter once your son gets older and starts nursery and school. That would enable you to earn and progress more in your career. Childcare costs thousands too remember!

I agree that your husband sounds like a really decent man and I wouldn’t tbh make renting out to be a massive problem if it’s only temporarily.

As pp said, you will be free from financial strings and obligations, and sorry if this sounds harsh, but it sounds like you and your dh didn’t wait long to have a baby before you were more financially independent.

If you lived in rented accomodation you would still be paying rent and bills regardless. Have you overpaid the mortgage from your salary for example or paid for renovations on the house (new driveway, roof, new kitchen etc) out of your money?

I think that your DH should probably return the 50% that his mum gifted to him but not 50% of the mortgaged remainder.

I assume that there are problems living with your MIL if you both want to move out, even if it means going into rented accommodation.

What is the legal position? Was the 50% deposit that she gifted to your DH legally confirmed as a gift that she didn't expect to get back when your DH was buying the house and applying for the mortgage? When I gave my son some money towards his deposit, I had to sign a document confirming that it was a gift and that it wouldn't need to be paid back.

Is it really separate dwellings?

If so, I’d get locks and good boundaries and I’d try and make that work rather than rent.

But it would have been "in the bank account" if they OP wasn't paying the mortgage, it (or at least most of it) would have been spent on rent and living costs elsewhere. The OP is not out of pocket here, she's just annoyed that her dp is treating his dm decently.

I feel very sorry for the mil here. From her pov….

so she gave her son a deposit to buy a house in his name but they live in it together. Very kind and good idea.

a few weeks later he gets a new girlfriend who then moves in, doesn’t like her, then they get married, then the wife seems to think the house is hers, and wants to sell it and move in order to kick the elderly lady out.

nice.

So he wants to give her 75% of the house value? Her own 50% and then another 50% of his own 50%? That is madness. You’d shouldn’t expose yourselves to private renting if you can avoid it - which you can.

You’re very free and easy with other people’s money.

How much have you put in? A portion of a couple of years’ mortgage payments?

I’d save your outrage for when it is your money you are talking about.

I think i understand. He's planning to leave the OP and this is how to secure the family cash for his use after divorce, perhaps?

It’s virtually nothing in the context of a house sale.

Let’s say the house is worth £400k. OP’s contribution is just 5% of the value. But here she is, throwing her weight around.

Agree.

I don’t understand why you would move to rented?

If MIL paid for half the property, then surely she will need some money to be able to live elsewhere? Surely you can see that?

The mortgage is on your husband’s 50% of the mortgage. The bills should
have been split however sounds like they haven’t been unless you’re going to sit down and work out what her contribution of those should have been over the years then I would ignore that. If you do go down this path remember it won’t be 50/50 as there are 2 of you and 1 of her.

Assuming when you move your MIL is moving into her own accommodation and not coming with you. Also assuming you aren’t selling at a loss when you sell your MIL gets 50% of the equity plus her original 50%. Thats the right thing to do. Stealing from his mother isn’t no matter how much you want to be put first by your husband.

As you seem to be money grabbing and feel entitled to everything just remember if you do the right thing with his mother you may get most of it back as inheritance one day.

It's not the Mil that's the problem. As a wife I wouldn't have anything to do with it as it's between your husband and mum. Clearly worked well till you came along lol but no way would my mil not be getting her money back at the very least

The gift plus 50%… why so much. Surely either 50%, or just the gift amount not both.

At the end end of the day it was a gift, so there’s no legal obligation to give her anything. But morally wrong to leave her with nothing.
Whars the reason for moving?

Definitely not the case. Its my husbands house, weve been paying everything in full for years etc. We are giving her back everything she has given and is entitled to

So your MIL gets all her money back plus half the value of the other half of the house and she hasn't had to pay any of the bills during the whole time that she has lived there?

Why on earth has your DH decided to do this?

The reason for moving is that shes an extremely difficult woman. Our marraige has really suffer d because of it. I wont go into too much detail as theres just so much to work through, but shes a very very callous woman. I think the original plan for us was that in gifting my husband money to secure a mortgage there would be the ability to control and that has been the case. We need permission to even put the heating on when its cold despite paying the mortgage and all the bills, she does not contribute. This isnt about screwing anyone out of money, I want to be fair but also transition and get us out of this terrible situation with the least conflict as possible while being able to ensure that we can house ourselves as a family, she will still have everything thats owed to her and will be able to secure another property.

Has your MIL agreed that the house should be sold? I have visions of her making it impossible to sell the house by refusing to let prospective buyers view the house or refusing to leave the house once it has been sold.

My point exactly. My guess is he is afraid of the reprecussions with her behaviour towards him shes quite hostile. He says its because hes taken enough money off her over his childhood and wants to see her with money in the bank but my point of view is that his priority should be our son and providing a home for his own family and ensuring we can get another property to live in. Im a mum myself so think that any mum would want their child to do that and would be ok with that, his argument is his mum is not like other mums and would perceive that as him getting one over on her and would react negatively

This also stems into other issues in our marraige hence the move…: if I hear the words “but mom” again I will go mad. Stuff like a couple of hours after giving birth having to pop in with baby incase theres kick off when I just want to go to bed. Or when I had a miscarraige her getting in a mood because I wouldnt come down for dinner or her completely booking our wedding venue without our permission, paying for it and calling me an ungrateful cnt for not going along with it. Oh theres so much more

Could a compromise be you return MILs gift + whatever interest she would have earnt if she had had that money in the bank. Take into account the compounding aspect, she should get a tidy sum, but this should still leave you with more of the remainder.

Otherwise you could always divorce and protect your half of your husband's side. But that is pretty extreme.

Gosh. I think I'd have told your husband to fuck off a long time ago.

Maybe divorce is a good solution afterall. I am not sure that this level of prioritising mother over wife is curable.