Feeling like my MIL is the second wife

[Oum7683]

To cut a long story short I love my husband but his mum is a pain in the arse.
she lives with us although seperate dwellings in one large house - my husband bought his house with the help of his mother who gifted him half and he mortgaged the rest. After a few months he met me and fast forward we are married with a 3 month old son. We now plan to move and my husband is selling our house - only its not our house because my husband has told me hes giving back to his mother her “gift” and fifty percent of all the remaining money so shes set up as he feels guilty for spending her money when he was younger and wants her to be looked after but to me this is at our expense as we wont be able to afford a deposit and will be renting privately. My husband feels Im being unreasonable, maybe I am but I don’t feel that I am, I feel he should be prioritising his own family and child.
Also to put things into perspective Ive had such awful dealings with this MIL she is no picnic by any stretch and feel that my husband is trying to avoid a kick off by her.
Initial thoughts?

What do you mean he's giving her back her gift and 50% of the remaining money? I am not clear, is it:

A: 50% of the original price?
B: 50% of the original plus 50% of any increased equity?
C: what she put in as well as 50% of anything else in an attempt to level out his earlier spending?

A and B sound reasonable for him to do, C sounds like you could have a point

If your MIL lives with you in the house that she paid half of, then of course she needs to be able to buy a house if that arrangement is ending,

Whose name is the house in, and have you contributed to the mortgage payments on your husband’s half of the house?

if your husband and his mother bought a house together, then she should get half the proceeds from the sale.

I'm wondering if this is why he's trying to get out asap. Maybe OP will come back to clarify why he's decided to sell the property amd move to zero ownership.

What do you think should happen? The house is sold, you and your DH get it all and MIL gets nothing?

When you say MIL is the second wife - do you mean you feel like your husband is leaving you and setting up home with her?

That may well be what he is doing as someone upthread has suggested. Otherwise this doesn’t make sense. Did he get a prenup to protect the house if you divorce?

It isn’t clear what is actually being suggested here.

either way if mil put in 50% it’s reasonable for her to get 50% back on sale.

Why are you moving into a worse living situation? That's makes no sense.

You want to fuck your husband's mother over financially after she helped him buy the home you're living in. That's pretty cold.

It sounds like they want to protect her/ his investment in case of a future divorce.

If the property is in his name alone and you've lived there together as a daily home, paid the mortgage and have children together it would be as a marital asset. As you have a child the welfare of the child will be a consideration for the court. That doesn't mean you would get 50:50 of the house but he would have to make sure you are able to house the child if you are tge primary parent and tge funds are available.

It sounds like a stitch up to me.

I would have no issue with him giving back her initial investment especially if the intentions was to live there until she dies but giving her back her initial gift plus the equity sound wrong. Especially as that will leave you in private rented accommodation with unstable and expensive housing.

But your DH put nothing at all into the house: his mum paid for half of it, the bank lent him the other half. All that he’s paid is the mortgage payments. He should get those back. If the mortgage payments equal (say) 5% of the extra value of the house since it was bought, he also gets 5% of that uplift. The rest belongs to the bank and his mum.

On what basis do you think any other part of it is yours (as in yours and DH’s)?

His proportion of the house is now a marital asset, so it does have something to do with the OP.

This would depend on the terms of their arrangement and what the ‘gift’ is.
so if the property was bought for £400,000
option 1- the gift is a fixed price. £200,000. No matter how the property value fluctuates MILs stake is £200,000.
option 2- the gift is a percentage of the property value. If the property depreciates then MIL’s stake depreciates.
It would also depend on whether MiL put in all her money. Has she gone enough to move elsewhere?
was the arrangement that she would always live with her son due to finances?

But it's not a stake, by it's nature of it being a gift.
OP needs to establish the facts first but I'd be very suprised MIL would gift such a huge amount unless it made financial sense I.e. freed up some assets to avoid inheritance tax etc. Is husband an only child?
OP come back and tell us what the actual set up is and what you're actually asking.

It sounds like your DH is being overly generous. Is it guilt money for moving away?

Do the maths. Example.

Property purchase price-£200k
Mums deposit £100k, mortgage £100k
Mortgage payments over years chip away at £100k mortgage to £80k mortgage - £20k equity
Property price has increased over the same term by £20k
There is now £140k equity in the property. £100k is to go back to mum.
The 40k remaining should not be split 50/50-£20k is from paying off the mortgage (100% DH and you)
The remaining £20k equity COULD be split 50/50, so mum gets £110k total -this is her ‘fair share’ but also if you have spent money on the property in maintenance etc this should also be accounted for.

So it wasn’t a gift, it was a loan?

No, you give him money and he pays his mortgage with it. It’s his house, he can do what he likes with it, and paying his mum back for what she paid in is only fair. If you can’t afford to move without her money, you can’t afford to move.

I think you are getting the most important part of what you want, which is getting out from under MIL's thumb.

Apparently, to feel okay about breaking up this deal he made with his mother, who no doubt expected his companionship and care as she aged along with the house-sharing arrangement, he wants to be generous about what he does leave her with.

He sounds to me like a good guy. Also, as has been mentioned, this was all from before he was with you so it's really rightfully between him and his mother.

I would take this deal and just go rent for a while. While I understand wanting more for yourself and your new family, he doesn't seem to feel like it rightfully belongs to him and I see his point. I think you are pushing for too much here and it might backfire. Best wishes.

Op pays half the mortgage

Your dh needs to have a more equitable split as he’s being paying a mortgage!

Has paid half the mortgage for a couple of years. So virtually nothing.

It's definitely not her money as it was a gift. She's owed nothing. However - it would be wonderful if she didn't have that to hold over your head and you could live free and clear of her.

But if you cannot afford to buy anything, just don't do this. It would be nuts to move to a rental - unless living with her is that unbearable?

Actually edited to add - you want to kick her out of the house you are sharing, the one she is also living in, the one your share with her - don't you?

The plan is to sell up and move and leave her homeless. But you don't want to give her any money to do so.

Lol.

Maybe she feels you’re no picnic by any stretch, there are always 2 sides to a story.

It could be way more prudent to stay in the large house and set much firmer boundaries so to be able to sustainably live in close proximity long term.
Your MIL meant to be generous.
She wanted to help her son into home ownership.

Why not all work together to that end?
Why are you moving?

Me too.

having assets tied up with your child who will inherit anyway is different than with a couple. especially if she could end up homeless in a divorce.

DHs assets are what he’s made from the mortgage and any increase in valuation on his 50%. Also likely that he isn’t taking the cash as MIL retire or soon will be so can’t get a mortgage.

its a bit of a headache to go to renting but if you earn well it will be fine and you can buy something together. You could also suggest him ring fencing his deposit if he is scared of losing £.

sucks you couldn’t make work in two different dwellings

It’s all difficult op, tough on you, tough on your dh, tough on her. I think we all have an idea on how house buying/ renting will go and this isn’t it but it’s just how it worked out for ye and ye have been lucky (and unlucky of course!) until now.