What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

The more you post OP the worse and worse he sounds. Honestly so many nasty incidents in what is just a short relationship. He’s just a wrong’un.

You sound like you're beginning the process of understanding what happened and redrawing your boundaries. Don't beat yourself up about what happened - so many of us have accepted mistreatment in the hope we'll be loved. Just learn from this and go for someone fundamentally kind next time, who actually deserves everything you bring. xx

It sounds like you’ve done a lot of reflecting and this will stand you in good stead for your next relationship. You’ll understand a lot more about your boundaries and how to spot red flags. Or even minor things that are at the fringes of your conscience which don’t sit quite right. Not red flags as such (although those as well), but things your brain says “hmmm I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that” and you’ll be much better at stating your needs and asking for honest responses. This has all been good learning for you.

But right now your nervous system has been shot to pieces. You’ve been on hyper alert, vigilant to his whims, comments and moods. Walking on eggshells. Trying to repair so you can settle your nervous system and have him make you feel secure again. It literally fucks with your physical nervous system and it makes eating, sleeping, concentrating…really basic functions really difficult. Hence all the intrusive thoughts and memories and replaying things over. This is all perfectly normal part of your recovery. I promise you it will get better. You won’t realise quite what you’ve been through for a while and small things will keep cropping up and you’ll go “wtf!! Why on earth did I put up with that?!” Trauma bonding basically (sorry to do the therapy speak!), but he made you feel shit and then he was the one who made you feel better. Your nervous system has a really hard time applying logic and just wants to feel safe and settled and you associated him with making you feel that way so even though he was the one who caused the upset, he was also the one who made you feel better. This is why you put up with his awful behaviour, why you probably wanted sexual affection (to feel closer to him - my ex also used to withhold sex as a punishment). You really have been through the wringer! But I absolutely promise you you have done the right thing and you will come out of this wiser and stronger and much less susceptible to accepting shit from someone!

Allow yourself time to heal. Literally wrap yourself up in a warm blanket. Call a friend for a chat. Watch a film or TV show that feels familiar and easy. It will pass. Thank yourself for getting away from him.

Yes I agree that with the trauma bonding, he is the only cure to this dopamine hit for the first few days, so I am hoping and praying I can just get through this phase and it wears off and I will be out the other side.

He had even started training me to expect less from him recently. Fuck I see so many things. I do see that I didn’t always help myself, but in the context of the situation, my needs were just buried so low at the bottom of the pile. Sometimes they would pop up and he would have to put the effort in but I felt like it was my job to suppress them.

The hardest part to reconcile is all the stuff that’s come out of his mouth, that I believed that all feels like bullshit now. How can someone say all of this stuff for months then suddenly decide they hate you to this degree and do this to you. There is having a shitty row and then there is this what he did, it was so cruel

From what you've said, this is fundamentally his character and this is how he'll treat any partner no matter how much he loves them. Imagine the kind guys you know - would they be this much of a dickhead to anyone, let alone someone they were in a relationship with? Stop trying to reconcile his behaviour with that of a good person or a good partner; there's a reason it doesn't work. He should come with a health warning.

The first few days are the hardest but it will get easier and easier as time goes on. I can promise that.

Just let time pass. Ride the wave. Treat yourself to nice things and look after your health.

This is who he is. There is NOTHING you could have done to change the outcome.

I've been there, got the t-shirt, and you will tie yourself in knots trying to figure out why he is the way he is.

This chapter is over, now it's time to heal and look after yourself.

He specially ended our relationship because I am embarrassing. And I keep being embarrassing and it won’t change.

This is what hits the hardest, especially when I know he knows none of my ‘embarrassing’ behaviour is intentional, it’s just me being myself, in a happy mood so he has taken the fundamental part of my being and made it into the reason why everything has gone wrong, and it hurts a lot

Please google 'cycle of abuse' there is a lot to read on this behaviour. It can take a long time to recover from this. He is not the solution to your dopamine hit which is seriously addictive. Wish you well

Oh, OP. Have you started looking for local therapists? It’s completely irrelevant why he ended your relationship, or why he thinks he ended your relationship, or what he tells other people is the reason he ended your relationship — he’s a walking disaster who is not in any way a credible witness to anything, and not someone whose opinion of you you should be taking the slightest notice of. You’re still giving what he thinks of you far too much headspace.

I'm reading your posts and it's all so familiar. This is what they do, get you to tie yourself in knots so you'll take the blame for everything and come crawling back. Then they have all the power.

Please listen to everyone when they tell you their stories. These are real. This is what happens when you keep going back to these parasites.

I am £10k deep into a divorce with another £20k to go to try and get a divorce from my parasite. He is stalling and delaying every step of the way. Is on his 3rd solicitor and we're filing motion after motion. This is your future if you go back to him.

I actually think you've done really well, seeing the light in 9 months. It took me 18 months to extricate myself, and takes many people much longer. I think you already do have very good boundaries, compared to women on here who allow themselves to be treated like shit for years.

Treat yourself to all your favourite things, be kind to yourself, you'll get through it.

I don’t know why I have just felt so physically uncomfortable today, like feel squirming with anxiety and feeling awful and I just want it to stop!

What is not helping and I know I keep saying it but it wasn’t me who got out. I didn’t break up with him. So I don’t feel like I can celebrate anything like being away from him, or hating him because it doesn’t feel true. He did this to me and I didn’t know how to get him to change his mind but I did try

Yes u did u broke the cycle !!!
U are not embarrassing he wanted u to think u are !
He was a cunt and my dad always used to say to me men will say ANYTHING to get what the want that's why he was saying all the shit u heard he wanted u to feel secure then he did his narcissist shit and it's a bad cycle
You should be proud of yourself your grieving right now for what u thought it was and in this your feeling the uncomfortable truth !
Ride the wave 🌊 u can do this x

It doesn’t matter how you got it, the best thing is that you did. You are trauma bonded, but as it is early days those bonds aren’t too deep. Take it from those of us with deep trauma bonds, this is a real positive and you can move on. It’s like an addiction, it will take time

I think he broke up with you because he could tell you had had enough.

Try to accept the best gift he ever gave you (his absence) and focus on what you need, 20 minutes at a time if you need to.

It will really help you to get over it if you block him everywhere - you have no need to speak to him I think?

It is normal to question yourself but that is not a reason to speak to him and set back your recovery.

What would you do now if you knew you would meet the man of your dreams in three months?

But you haven’t crawled back to him, weeping on his doorstep and begging to be given another chance — that’s something to celebrate, that you have that much gumption and sense of self-preservation.

What would be another thing to celebrate would be blocking him on WhatsApp/text/all forms of SM. That would be you taking ownership of the situation. 💐

It doesn’t matter who ended it. The important thing is that it’s over. He’s done you a massive favour - why would you want him to change his mind ?

This is what he told you. It doesn’t mean it’s true or anyone else will think that.

He’s abusive and nasty. We’ve established that through many examples.

We don’t know why he is. And we don’t need to know because it doesn’t matter and we don’t care. It’s not worth spending precious energy on.

So, we don’t know (or care) why he said he found you embarrassing. But, if you really want a ‘why’ to tell your brain the quest is over (great advice above from @theearthsayshello), the most likely reasons are jealousy, lack of self-confidence and sexism. In public especially (and in male environments in particular like the old man’s pub) sexist men think women should know their place and sit there quietly being agreeable to men. May well be learned behaviour from his own father or other men.

You sound like a confident, kind, friendly, chatty and open person. To people and animals. This makes you an attractive person. People and animals are drawn to you and feel comfortable in your presence. This is a good thing. It’s a strength and a quality.

He didn’t like that. It made him squirm. Because it made you more powerful and attractive than him. So he said it to slap you down. The verbal equivalent of a physical slap. But just as abusive. Like smacking a dog. To control you, make you submissive and doubt yourself.

And it’s worked. You are doubting yourself. Don’t let the a-hole do that to you.

You aren't embarassing at all. Men say this when they are trying to stop women having enjoying themselves and talking to people. Don't change yourself.

There is nothing you could have done, it's all him.

Yes - this.

That's anxiety and the fact he's made you depend on him for reassurance and dopamine. It's a well-known cycle. You end up craving their approval, almost like a child trying to please an angry parent.

Do anything rather than respond to him if he pops up. Just recognise they are intrusive thoughts and HE made you think and feel like this through conditioning.

You are a wonderful person, I can tell and that's probably why you are having these thoughts- you are nice, thinking perhaps he didn't mean it, perhaps he's mostly nice, perhaps...but he isn't and you will just get the same nice/nasty push pull if you return.

Also, who cares who finished it. The biggest plus is YOU ARE FREE!

Me ex gave me the silent treatment for 3 days (because I couldn't answer my phone when I was in a work meeting), so effectively ended it with me - but my big feeling of relief came when I blocked him because that was me saying NO MORE and it gave me back control.

It felt so, so good.

The more time that passed, the more I realised what a lucky escape.

You will feel uncomfortable for a while because he has made you feel confused, nasty and crap about yourself. This will pass.

Imagine if you'd ended up living with the monster!

Yes what @EdithBond says- particularly about how he needed to bring you down.

I have spoken about my own experience. About ten years later he e-mailed me out of the blue. He wanted to show off about his much younger stunning bride and tell me about his lovely life living in Thailand on her dime. Foolishly I responded to his e-mail- I was STILL looking for my apology. He replied to my flat out request for one with 'Nah, you were a psycho bitch, everyone warned me'. So he was able to once again turn it all around. In the e-mail I had sent asking for my apology I had complimented him on his lovely wife who ran her own successful import and export business for Asian furniture. His response was that he enjoyed her money but he kept telling her she was shit at it so she 'didn't get above herself'.

That was like the switch for me. In my mind, even 10 years after I had still been circling things around in my head wondering about what was wrong with me that he couldn't love me?

Then I realised in those two responses that there was nothing wrong with me, it was all about him. He was the arsehole, and he had a new victim. He would ALWAYS have victims. I sometimes look his current wife up on fb hoping that she has managed to extricate herself. Not yet is the sad answer.

He really told on himself! I think there should be lessons in schools about this type of man. If someone is putting you down, they are bigging themselves up. It's control, through and through, and good people don't do that in relationships! Poor new wife.