What is going on here

[Bunkbed80]

I have been with my BF for about 9m now. Both in our 40’s. I usually stay over at his for a few days a week and recently he gave me a spare key and I brought clothes round and he cleared me a space on his wardrobe.

Generally things have been going well, supposedly in love and everyone I meet around him tells me he seems a lot happier than he used to be, and he’s said he’s happy.

It’s become a regular thing that he wants to go out drinking locally, and when we do, we often get into some kind of disagreement. This is always about something I have said or done that’s apparently embarrassed him when he says I’m drunk.

A few times I’ve apologised for whatever it is I’ve allegedly done, and a few times he’s apologised for me for being unreasonable and we have let it go.

I’ve had a few acne spots lately and when I do, he will keep asking me why I have a spot and asking me if I’ve picked the spot and will keep pointing out the spot until it goes away. I’ve explained they are hormonal and they make me feel a bit self conscious. Last weekend I picked him up from the pub (I was sober) and I had a spot on my face. He kept pressing the spot and laughing. I asked him to stop and got visibly irritated and the next day he said I was beautiful even with spots and hadn’t mentioned it again.

We had a good day together yesterday after a bit of a shit week where we have both felt unwell. He wanted to go out to the pub so we popped out for a few drinks yesterday.

He likes to go to a bit of an old man type pub, the football was on and other old men at the bar so it’s not exactly fun all the time. A guy in the pub sitting behind us had a big dog with him - I love dogs - so I got chatting to him and ended up stroking the dog. The dog wanted to play fight, it was gentle and fun, so I crouched with the dog for 5 mins or so, play fighting, dog rolled over and I tickled their belly etc, and BF turned round from the bar and said ‘ok get up now’. I got up and went back to the bar and he snatched my vape out of my hand and said ‘you vape too much’.

At this point if felt irritated but didn’t want to cause a scene so I went a bit quiet and he said look let’s not fall out and gave me a hug and a kiss.

We walk home and get food and get a bit amorous iykwim, and then later he asks me why I got irritated earlier. I said look sometimes you can pick on me a bit and sometimes it hurts my feelings.

This suddenly escalated wildly. He told me that he was going to get the CCTV from the pub as basically everyone in the pub was tutting and staring at me when I was ‘basically shagging the dog on the floor’ and it was embarrassing which is why he asked me to get up. He then did an impression of me which I can only liken to someone with cerebral palsy, and when got upset about this he called me a ‘spastic’ and Harvey Price and told me to get out of his house and our relationship was over. I wasn’t able to drive at that point so I went to the spare room.

He came to bed and slammed his door so I went in to try to talk to him and make peace, this made it all worse he asked if I was ‘bipolar’ as I had ruined his lovely day and was always ruining things, said he wasn’t coming on our planned weekend away (to meet my family for the first time) and told me to get all my stuff out. He said he had asked for space and I hadn’t given it to him and we should talk about it tomorrow.

I packed my bags with all my stuff from his room while we kind of shouted at each other, me saying I didn’t understand why he was being so mean, and him saying he didn’t tolerate ‘this kind of thing’. I said I should be able to raise an issue without getting shouted down and he said he didn’t want an embarrassing girlfriend, I said he seems to care more about everyone else but me.

I went to the spare room and I am here alone now until morning when I will get ready for work and take my stuff and leave as I don’t think I have much other choice? I’ve had a few glasses of wine so can’t drive, but I don’t believe was particularly drunk. I’ve seen him absolutely paralytic before and it wasn’t a nice sight. I’m not sure even with drink this behaviour is forgivable, and I would make myself look desperate to try to talk this through with him tomorrow.

I feel so sad it’s come to this ☹️

100%. It is like an addiction. That’s exactly what it is, chemically. He was the equivalent of heroin for you. Made you feel good and happy at times. But in a very damaging, unhealthy, grubby, dangerous way. You’re going through physical withdrawal. Look after yourself, get through it. Then find healthy ways to make yourself feel good and happy.

OP, you’ve said yourself you stood up to him. You didn’t submit. That’s what caused the row when he ended it. He was struggling to ‘control’ you. When he ended it, you then left and messaged to confirm it’s over. You didn’t stay in an unsafe space. You didn’t keep begging for reconciliation. He’d lost even more control, so he said you were incompatible, which you are: you stood up to him, which he doesn’t like. Then you did your simple (and brilliant) thumbs up. The perfect end point. That’s everything to celebrate. You walked out of his life with your head held high 👑

Thanks

I cried the whole way to work today and when I saw my friend at work I couldn’t stop crying. The thing making me cry was that I feel like he sexually assaulted me. When I explained what was going on the main thing I explained was that I had felt violated by him. I think that’s what’s really driving these feelings today. I initiated sex with him to get closeness and what resulted was a horrible dark nasty experience I hadn’t really focused on in the midst of the row and breakup, but that’s what keeps coming back to me, how I felt in that moment and how dark and evil it felt.

This is not good, OP, how awful for you.

I don't know who to say to talk to about this, possibly Rape Crisis. It sounds like you started out having sex to feel close but then things happened which were much more than you were expecting and have completely traumatised you.

He IS dark and evil, or he was in that moment. We are our actions.

I think you want to speak with him or be with him now to make it all ok, to see if he really did love you, and for reassurance; it's wanting to make it all better. The same reason you started intimacy with him that night. Sadly, he's not capable of giving you the love, care and attention you required; he took advantage of your kindness and basically abused you in that moment.

I hate him for you, if that helps.

I think you need to talk to someone impartial, not friends, family or workmates, to get this whole revolting relationship out of your system completely. He is a bad man, and he did bad things. Forgive yourself for falling for such an unpleasant individual but please see if talking therapy will help you come to terms with it all.

Can you take a few days off? Because you are getting more and more distressed OP. Can you speak to friends/family outside of work and ask for a bit of support?

I do think I need to take some time off yes.

He had taken advantage of me in lots of ways but when it’s intimate like that you just feel so exposed and violated. Something special was taken and twisted.

I initiated sex with him to repair closeness. He has said earlier let’s have sex later and I said well it doesn’t usually happen if you drink and he said ‘are you turning me down’ I said no. Im being realistic, so he said well we can in the morning then.

Then that night I was initiating with him he said well I’m not sure I can I’ve had a drink now but we started going and it was initially kind of normal. Then he said bend over, which wasn’t unusual in itself, but then he laid his weight on top of me. When I tried to move I was trapped and I wiggled and he pushed down harder on me. I could not move. But we had had rough sex before and he had said he likes it when he’s in control, but this was just different. He seemed angry. He then asked me to do something specific and I said no. He had never asked me to do this. His voice was different, like dark and detached. I can’t remember what happened next but then I think I said something like I don’t want to but you can if you want, and then he did, really hard and rough and then he suddenly just stopped and said I can’t come, and got dressed and walked into the other room

What a nasty bastard.

You never have to go through any of that ever again

We had issues with sex from the start to be honest. It was another way I never felt enough for him. He found nice vanilla sex boring so i think, so it got darker but he would go through long periods of no sex and I wasn’t allowed to initiate or put any pressure on him. I did let him hit me in a controlled, consensual spanking way twice but he was sober then, so I didn’t feel violated but he made a comment after spanking me once that he had been tempted to hit me right on the genitals but thought it might be too much. I started a conversation that this needed to be based on trust and consent.

He also constantly talked about sex with his ex and I had told him this made me feel uncomfortable because it was said in a way that their sex was better than ours which he never denied just kept saying it will get better once we know each other better. I think it’s what drove me to push boundaries. He wasn’t very good at giving me pleasure so I did all the work but he would be disappointed if I didn’t orgasm so I would get quite anxious and fake it

Given your update regarding the sex op I repeat you need be thankful you are still alive to tell the awful tale op.

What the hell am I reading? He needs locking up.

This is much worse than him poking your spots, which is bad enough.
I felt sick reading your updates you really need some professional help with this.
He is a very, very sick man.
Please please block him.

OP I echo others here saying thank god you have got away from him. Please block him on everything immediately

I'm so sorry that you have experienced this, OP. It's good that you confided in a colleague today. I do think you need to seek some professional support - your GP could signpost you to counselling or other support. You don't need to deal with this alone x

His version of loving anyone is seriously distorted. Please never return to him.

Well I know he doesn’t love me.

When I was packing my stuff when he told me to get out, I think I recall him saying more calmly look ‘I do love you but we clearly aren’t right for each other, let’s talk tomorrow’ so another mixed message and I just thought how am I meant to receive this message what do you do with this?

When I was pulling my stuff out from the wardrobe, where he let me put it 5 hours before, he did seem to say again ‘let’s talk tomorrow after sleep’ but I wouldn’t stop getting all my stuff as I was just in a panic.

When he had cleared the wardrobe earlier I said to him are you sure about this, is it ok is it what you want is it too much? So I gave him a chance ☹️

Then I was not crying but completely deflated, sitting on the floor just broken in shock and then he started up again yelling at me. I just kept saying I don’t have any other choices and I don’t understand it. I can’t believe you are doing this. He slammed the door on my face

My one friend who knows him a little bit said he will try to get in touch with me when he’s drunk.

And he lost control of me and thats why he made me leave that night. She said he broke up with you because he can’t hide his dysfunction any longer and looking you in the face the next day reminds him of his bad choices.

And he probably was a bit fed up with the hard work of a real relationship (like taking accountability and caring for the other person) because she also thinks he’s an alcoholic who has continually ruined his own life and will never change.

She doesn’t think he’s met someone else but he won’t change and he’s abusive. She had warned me he was love bombing me but guess what, he had started to try to isolate me from her because he didn’t like her.

Hi @Bunkbed80 I've read your posts, but not the entire thread... but he sounds worse and worse with every post.
He's a con man who saw a decent, successful attractive woman and he deliberately set out to love bomb you. This is not your fault. It is his. Your mutual contact has warned you, so you don't have to doubt yourself on this.
He is a lying alcoholic and it sounds like a Sadist who gets a kick out of cruelty. Utterly vile and would have become worse. Its so lucky you got away from him before he started trying to control all of your life, moving in, getting you to pay for things etc.

But you are probably reeling now. I second pps who have said you need to ask gp to recommend someone you can talk to, who can help you find reflection on how abnormal his behaviour was and can help you find strategies to recover from his horrible emotional and physical abuse and to help you make your this never happens again. And get some advice on whether and how to report this. He sounds extremely dangerous.

It might help when you feel up to it, to sit down and plan the week, with as many distractions as possible. Do something relaxing, have early nights, go to the cinema, go for nice walks (with your earphones in) have a break to see family/friends..have a facial, hair do, have a shopping trip, when you are feeling up to it, get out there and see normal life going on, because what's been going on hasn't been normal at all... Its all part of the horrible warped addicted world he lives in and you've done the right thing getting out before you got dragged down by him. You've recognised his behaviour and worked out the lies.. which shows that you've actually been very strong identifying it and protecting yourself. You have so much going for you. Take time to heal and recognise that nearly everything he said that made you feel so bad about yourself was bullshit from a warped nasty mind.

ps, its good that you confided in your colleague but I wouldn't tell too many people at work, unless you really trust them... at least for the time being. It's better to find someone neutral to talk to or a trusted close friend who isn't waiting for the next installment. Wishing you all the best x

Please reconnect with your friend. If I were her I would be really concerned.
This wasn’t just a difficult relationship this is one where this man has dismantled you in every way.
But please know this - if you block him from your life, and get some help, you will recover and get better.
You are fortunate to have your own career and home.
Right now your brain is trying to process so much information.
You could do with some help there because this is what these men do.
Remember just 10 months ago you weren’t in a relationship with this man, it will take some time but you will get through it.

That you are here is what is madness
You KNOW he is VILE
JUST DUMP AND MOVE ON
xx

Your friend is a GOOD FRIEND op, and she is right in her analysis. He wants to get rid of you as you've seen the real him and were starting to resist it. I'm sorry you were coerced into things you did not want to do.

I agree with everyone, reach out to your friend, take a few days off, cry on the phone to your mum, friend, helpline. I also think trying to get some couselling eventually would help you.

I think you are starting to wake up to things you have been denying yourself and it's very upsetting to you, plus he's so much got you in a cycle of love/pulling away/love again that you are wanting to go back for reassurance and familiarity He will just do all those things again though, that's who he is.

I think the more support you can get and the more you can speak openly about what you've been through the better, he's a coercive controller IMO which is a crime (isolating you from your friends, from being social out in public).

I had to leave work as I keep crying. I’m on hold to a helpline for support. They are very busy.

This is not heartbreak, I don’t want him back although I am still getting strong urges to want to hear from him I know this is the addiction cycle trying to feel better and it will go.

He was inadvertently getting me to pay for things recently because the other weekend when he was also horrible to me drunk he brought up money, and then I kept trying to appease him but he wouldn’t really answer me on how he felt about it sober. He did offer to pay me back for the shopping I got but obviously I wasn’t going to accept a repayment when I already felt I wasn’t pulling my weight financially. He actually never bought me any presents, but he did give me flowers every week.

I know I keep asking everyone ‘why’ and it’s not helpful I asked my friend what she thought she said that it was an ego boost for him. That he wanted to prove he still is attractive to women. To make his ex jealous. I asked why she thought he would contact me, she said when he’s drunk he will miss you, he will want the validation and the high. Don’t give in to him and go back. I said I can’t get the images of things out of my head so not sure I can ever look him in the face again.

You poor pet.
You were absolutely sexually violated by him.
Of course you are upset and feeling vulnerable.
He really is scum.
I hope you do a Clare's Law on him.
You might feel able to tell the police that they should know how abusive he is, physically and sexually. Let them have him on their records for the next woman he abuses.

You will get through this. Well done for reaching out for support.

I have a Claire’s law request open since I read your post but I haven’t pressed send.

Is this going to be helpful? How would this help me.

I don’t know about reporting him I think he’s nasty he could retaliate against me horribly I am not sure it’s a risk I would take.

A couple of months ago I kind of felt like I needed to send him sexy photos, as he had hinted at this. The first one he really liked so I did some more but then he completely lost interest and one I sent he never even opened which upset me, remember being quite hurt about this as they took me a lot of courage, I’d never done this before, they took ages to do, were quite classy and I looked good (no face) and made me feel like shit.

He commented he liked them later on ‘because they weren’t gross open leg shots’ but I am quite sure he watched a lot of porn. This is the kind of thing he did to make me feel small. And he will still have these. Then he told me about some only fans model who tried to sleep with him who send him nude photos before he met me. I know this is a crime if he does send them but I don’t know.

He was also texting another woman for ages and was open about this saying they were just friends but then he had taken her out on a date and she was boring and mad, she stayed over and they just cuddled as he had ED. I said he could do what he wanted but I found this disrespectful behaviour in a relationship. 2 weeks later he said ‘oh I’ve stopped texting X now by the way’. I was like oh thanks? He was always saying my ex was so jealous, it’s not attractive so I was always trying not to be like her.

OP is here to get support and process what has happened. If she is here talking to us that will
lessen her urge to contact him.

Keep coming back here as long as it is useful OP and you will get plenty of support

The police don't inform him. They keep the information given to them on file.
It's only when someone contacts them about him that they may tell the person applying for information, that this was said about them. Its not a criminal record, it is information that has been told to them about this person. Calling 101 might be a good idea to find out more and to see if it is something you would be comfortable with.