Younger guy at work - go for it or avoid?

[Marshmallow444]

I’m 35. I have a (probably very inappropriate) crush on a guy at work who is only 21. Aside from the age difference, I am senior to him, though I am self employed and we hire staff (kind of like an agency set up). He is part of our staff and works for me / others though I am not his ‘manager’ if that makes sense. Helps organise my clients and diary etc. Not in charge of my fees or anything like that if it makes a difference.
The feeling is mutual. Last time we were at a work drinks he made it very clear he was interested. People have noticed the chemistry between us.
I think I could trust him to be discreet (don’t want to be the subject of gossip) but I think the temptation to talk might get the better of him. As a male friend said to me yesterday, sleeping with me would be the kind of thing men would want to brag about 🤦🏻‍♀️ which I think was meant as a compliment but concerns me slightly!
I rarely see him ‘at work’ as I work remotely / at different locations. Mainly see him at social events.
Is it a bad idea to explore this further? I do really like him. We really get on and whilst it probably won’t be a super serious long term thing because of the age difference, it would be nice to have a relationship that’s light and easy. Not into anything super casual. He is very protective over me and looks after me.
Go for it or leave well alone?

No I won’t ignore sound advice. I object to the derogatory tone from a lot of the posts.

most men my age or older have treated me horrendously so someone younger who has been the opposite towards me is extremely tempting and it’s just depressing that finding someone caring, and suitable is so impossible.

I know in reality he has a lot of growing up to do but I only see him at work and work functions and in that context he comes across as very mature. I don’t find younger men generally attractive. Usually the opposite.

Oh calm down.

Sounds like it doesnt matter what anyone says, you have made up your mind.

I really hope this doesnt blow up in your face, but I suspect it will.

He's 21. Don't flatter yourself. He'd shag anything that moves that gives him an open invitation.

DH and i met at work and worked together successfully for several years and i know a number of couples to whom the same applies, so i’m not opposed to work relationships, but 21 is SO young as against 35. There would be a considerable power imbalance and the fallout could make it very difficult for both of you. You would bear the brunt of any criticism because you’re older and he is so young.

🙄

Yes I agree there is probably more risk to me in that sense.

He is very protective over me and looks after me.

You're 35 and in a senior role - why would a 21 year-old be protective and look after you?

Stop being silly and eave the boy alone

Its true though - I'm in my 40s and have had plenty of attention lavished on me from young hot guys at my gym.

I dont kid myself they are after a long term relationship with me- they want sex!

I’m sorry, @Marshmallow444 ,but this is wrong on so many levels.
Shut it down.

When youngsters like that have shown interest, I always just assumed it was some sort of game/joke . Plus all that flattery about being beautiful and attractive, behave yourself kid, I'm not 16.

Our age gap is the same as this but were both older.

We have a wonderful relationship, over 2 years and its still aa good as it was at the start. No one would think he is his age as he is an old soul and I look a bit younger.

So it can work ignore those being rude about that.

The work thing though? Not sure that's a good idea 🤷‍♀️

Its all in your opening post in your own words, you say it is a 'probably very inappropriate' crush. You don't like the tone of people saying back to you the things you already said yourself. You later point out it would be a bigger risk to you if it all went wrong. You already know it's a bad idea, you're asking in the hope that people tell you it's fine. And now you're acting defensive when they agree...that it is in fact inappropriate.

What is it with all of these similar threads lately?

Anyway, if if this is for real, don’t be ridiculous. People will laugh at you. Including the 21-year-old.

@Marshmallow444 - i think that’s the problem: if this ever became known about (and I’m sure this young guy would want to boast), it would probably be used against you in your job. There was some US TV show many years ago, where one of the main characters (a more senior woman in the workplace) was pursued by and had a relationship with a hot younger colleague. When she ended it, he sued her for sexual harassment. This was fiction and in the US, but not beyond the realms of possibility, i think. Also your colleagues may use it against you. It’s safest not to go there.

I read somewhere you halve your age and add seven to find the absolute maximum age gap. In your case that's 25. I think if you dont mind consequences then go ahead. If consequences (emotional reputational career) matter then don't.

He would definitely tell people and you would be the subject of gossip and possibly censure. Is it really worth it for what you acknowledge would be a short fling?

Personally i wouldnt with anyone at work due to cringe circumstances if it all goes wrong. Id say at 21 he’s probably looking for a woman with experience for a one off got lucky situation. Realistically, 21 and 35 is unlikely to work out. Youre both at different stages in life. He will shag you and then go back to his mates to laugh and joke about the experience. You do you tho

You can’t win with this one, unfortunately.
A large difference in age is a cold hard fact and you yourself are aware of how large age differences are perceived. As tempting as it is, it’s best to walk away, no matter how painful that will feel.
To your colleagues, you’ll either be the old fool that got played, or the “cougar” predatory woman. There will be no clap on the back for you for bagging a younger man.
Whereas, in contrast, it’s quite likely he will receive a clap on the back for his “conquest”! Unlike you, he certainly won’t be told it’s disgusting. He won’t be thought less of for having a relationship with you. It would be a completely different experience for him as there is no judgement or risk for him, and I wonder if he’d pursue you if there was. It’s not fair, but that is how it is.
At the end of the day, he has nothing to lose, whereas you do.

". . .most men my age or older have treated me horrendously so someone younger who has been the opposite towards me is extremely tempting. . ."

Perhaps you need to do some work on why there has been a pattern of relationships in which you are "treated horrendously". Presumably none of them treated you horrendously at the beginning or why would you have embarked on a relationship with them?

But you aren't actually in a relationship with this young man - just flirting and flattery.

Leaving aside the work situation, I cannot imagine at 35 what I would have had in common with a lad of 21.

Well yes the ‘tone’ being all the misogynistic and vitriolic comments essentially shaming me for having any sort of feelings in the first place. Being a predator. Being the ‘office shag’. Being a laughing stock. Him not genuinely being interested and having a laugh behind my back. Being virtually old enough to be his mum. Doubtful he is even attracted to me. Can’t possibly hold a senior position because I am clearly completely stupid. Being accused of ‘sexually harassing him’ despite him being far more forward with me. Which coincidentally also means he doesn’t respect me.

honestly the reaction is ridiculous. MN is so vicious. He’s a grown adult and I’ve had a flirt with him after he showed some interest. I asked a question and got a character assassination. Advice is one thing and I have heeded it, but the responses were so OTT and unnecessary.

These are the kinds of things that will be said in real life ( behind your back) too. Large age gaps give a lot of people the genuine ick and it's not exclusive to mn.
So you either do what you want ( and develop a very thick skin) or you just leave it alone.

@Marshmallow444

Being a laughing stock- yes, this is a possibility, especially as you said he might be tempted to gossip about it if you did sleep together. What else is gossip?- it's being mean/laughing about people behind their backs

being old enough to be his mum- well you are, just about

Doubtful he is attracted to me- sure, I 100% believe he fancies you but thats it. He's 21, he is likely after sex and thats it. How many 21 year olds do you know want to settle down at that age with someone that much older than them?

Being accused of sexual harassing him - yes, this is a concern. New laws are coming in about it and all it would take is for him to get annoyed with you for whatever reason and to make an allegation and then what?- you even said your job could be at risk so this IS something to be wary of. You have to be very, very careful nowadays with stuff like this, its not wrong to point this out

You have had a hard time but amongst all of it, there is some truth in it

Ignore the nasty comments. They are all just jealous they can’t bag a 21 year old.😂

But be realistic this will be nothing more than sex. This is very unlikely to turn into any thing more. There is more potential for it to go wrong for you than it does for him. You are self employed so your client might not appreciate the office drama. Professionally gossip can follow you and ruin your reputation.

if you want to shag a 21 year old, join the ample dating apps and stick your requirements up. I am sure you will have an inbox full in no time. But keep it out of work.

A 21 year old is pretty much a child in my eyes, so definitely not jealous. And let's face it, most 21 year old men will stick it in anything