Younger guy at work - go for it or avoid?

[Marshmallow444]

I’m 35. I have a (probably very inappropriate) crush on a guy at work who is only 21. Aside from the age difference, I am senior to him, though I am self employed and we hire staff (kind of like an agency set up). He is part of our staff and works for me / others though I am not his ‘manager’ if that makes sense. Helps organise my clients and diary etc. Not in charge of my fees or anything like that if it makes a difference.
The feeling is mutual. Last time we were at a work drinks he made it very clear he was interested. People have noticed the chemistry between us.
I think I could trust him to be discreet (don’t want to be the subject of gossip) but I think the temptation to talk might get the better of him. As a male friend said to me yesterday, sleeping with me would be the kind of thing men would want to brag about 🤦🏻‍♀️ which I think was meant as a compliment but concerns me slightly!
I rarely see him ‘at work’ as I work remotely / at different locations. Mainly see him at social events.
Is it a bad idea to explore this further? I do really like him. We really get on and whilst it probably won’t be a super serious long term thing because of the age difference, it would be nice to have a relationship that’s light and easy. Not into anything super casual. He is very protective over me and looks after me.
Go for it or leave well alone?

If he is being extremely forward with you, then he has poor judgement. You absolutely cannot trust him to be discrete.

I have no idea why you are even contemplating this.

Not really but I didn’t expect so much vitriol and derogation. The reality is he has made his interest clear for months and I have queried reciprocating. We’re both adults so I don’t see age as a factor so much as the work thing. If I was so horrific and predatory I wouldn’t even be worried about it. I’ve been extremely careful to ensure nothing I have said or done is unfair or unwelcome. Not sure why the reaction has been so extreme. I guess I made the cardinal MN sin of alluding to the fact I was attractive.

It’s really rare that I like someone or have chemistry with someone.

I have an extremely stressful and difficult job and maybe it was nice to have one person who was attentive and looking out for me.

I’m certainly not the monster everyone on this thread seems to think I am. And I haven’t done anything wrong or ‘harassed’ him.

You're.

You said you don’t want anything super casual and you want a relationship. This is where you’re unrealistic. A non exclusive fling maybe but no more.

I also don’t agree it’s predatory. Im early 40s so a little bit older than you, but a 21 year old seems like a child to me and did at 35. He will not keep it discrete and you’ll be the subject of office gossip and your job will be on the line. Not worth it for sex.

Its not likely to develop into anything serious when he’s 21 and you want to settle down

What a very unpleasant lot of people. Its not a massive deal, absolutely no need for the pile on. But thank you, its always helpful to be reminded how deeply angry, bitter and unstable women treat other women. They are probably just jealous the op has a job.

A 21 year old in today's society is barely an adult. Does he still live at home with his parents?

If you're just wanting sonething casual/longer term then there are apps for that surely?

I'm only 7yrs older than you and have a kid this age.

I guess I made the cardinal MN sin of alluding to the fact I was attractive.

Of course its not a sin to be attractive but it does beg the question -why are so fixated on dating this much younger man when you could have anyone else?

21 year olds are really not that mature so some of us are wondering if there is an element of manipulation/power/control here (just as we would if you were male and he was female)

@Marshmallow444 I don't think you are a monster at all. I just think if you are worried about discretion then you should leave him alone as his actions to date indicate there is no way he will be discreet. So it's likely to end badly for you.

Nothing I said had anything to do with attraction.

He probably just wants casual sexs, nothing long term and of course a story to tell his mates years down the line.

For heaven’s sake, OP. You say people have already remarked on the ‘chemistry’, so why on earth do you think they’re not going to notice if you actually start shagging? You say you can’t trust him to be discreet. You say you rely on his team for work, and that your job would be at risk, if anyone’s. You say manages your diary and clients. Those are reasons not to shag your much younger junior colleague.

At his age, the chances of this turning into anything long lasting and meaningful and him being able to satisfy you both physically and mentally, in my opinion are slim. So when it is inevitably over, you have the added complication of having to work with him. I think it's ok to find him attractive as long as you don't act on it. Maintain your professionalism at work.
I am a couple of years older than you and this guy is near my son's age so for me I can't see any attraction for men this age but that is just my personal opinion.

You say you're both adults but 3 years ago he was a child at school at your were 32. That's grim.

I agree with others, it's 100% a power play. You say your colleagues are already talking about it so you know that there's no way he's keeping any of this discreet. He's loving the chase and the thrill of making an older woman swoon for him. Once he's got what he wants, ends it and is dating someone from his own generation you'll like the old fool who got played and you'll be the laughing stock of your company

Stay well clear! This will only go south and quickly at that.

I don’t ‘enjoy’ the ‘control’ or power play or anything like that. I am not manipulating him. I have actually always been in relationships with men older than me (and ended up being abusive) so I think of anything in some ways this probably feels safer to me.

The fact people have started to notice you both like each other proves already you both cannot be discreet. This is almost predatory on your part.

Understandable, but if you are craving something "safe"- this isnt safe is it?

Its the opposite of safe - you literally say: I think I could trust him to be discreet (don’t want to be the subject of gossip) but I think the temptation to talk might get the better of him.

and yes he is more junior but I don’t manage him and I rely on his team for work so if anything were to go wrong it would more likely harm my career than his.

So, gossip and harming your career.

Not quite so "safe".

What woukd the impact on your career be if you had a relationship and then broke up?

I think life is for living but only if the answer to the ablove question means you woukd still have an income

You don't need permission OP, he is over the age of consent and you can legally go ahead , unless something in your contract says you can't. But clearly people on MN think it's a bad idea, and would say the same if genders were reversed.

ewwww

I haven’t been vitriolic, I completely understand it - I think people on here were even harsher to me but they were right!

Almost 90% of people telling you this is a really bad idea.
Me included.
But will you ignore that overwhelming advice anyway?

Jesus Christ.

Of course this is a bad idea! Unbelievable that you need mumsnet to tell you this. How on earth are you fit for a senior position if you don’t have enough judgement to 1) know this 2) ensure HE knows it’s inappropriate.

ffs I despair.