Am I right to end the relationship.

[msS123]

So to start im 32 have two kids from a previous relationship. A year ago I met a 45 year old man who at the time was working for himself and renting a house, we got on great and all was good until the past few months. He had to leave the rental property he was in due to it being sold and he moved home to his mum. He had his own carpentry business and recently decided it wasn't doing so well so sold his work van and said he will still do odd jobs but won't be working full time that he's not fit because of back pain. All of this started to put me off because I'm a single mum but I still have a job and I have my own apartment. He recently came over to my place and asked what my future plans were for housing? I have a beautiful apartment so not sure why he asked that but I did tell him in future I'd love to build in the countryside as I have been given land by a family member and I asked what about you what are his plans for housing. His reply was not sure but I might be to old for a mortgage and he recently announced he maxed out a credit card years ago which he has no intention to repay. I was horrified because I could not sleep at night if I had unpaid debts. He had one day of work this week and I contacted him that afternoon to see how it went he said I couldn't be bothered to get up I had no energy then spoke about hating his life and wanting to go on his second holiday of the year to Thailand. I instantly got annoyed and decided enough is enough and told him I'm ending the relationship so I can find a compatible partner who actually has ambitions in life. He has since told me he will go get a full time job and can we work towards a mortgage. With his debts and unwillingness to work I don't think I should give him another chance.

Yes that was my fear that he may hurt me someday if I stayed.

Number one priority has to be to keep yourself safe. Even a whiff of “I once hurt someone or I might hurt someone or I could hurt someone” yeah, run. Even “I would never hurt someone” because normal people don’t need to say that, it’s assumed.

You are so right any carpenter I know cannot keep up with all the work they have. He has no get up and go. I don't know is it mental health or lazy but it's not my issue to solve.

Please god tell me that’s not real

Thankfully I am safe and left before he ever acted on any of his thoughts.

It's very real unfortunately. He obviously has bigger issues then having no home or job.

‘Am I right in ending this relationship?’

Yes!

Absolutely NOT.

His question about housing was literally to find out if/when he can move in.

No job
Maxed out credit card
2 holidays in Thailand per year despite the above.

He wont change so if you fancy additional problems and a cockloger in your life that contributes nothing- he’s your man.

😬

Change your locks, change your faceplate screws for your deadbolt to 3" screws or your metric equivalent. Get a door wedge and security bar. Get a doorbell cam if you don't have one. Put dowels in your windows. Keep your place locked up. Can you do a Claire's Law check?

That's not just a red flag, that's danger.

But he only wanted to get his life together after you dumped him!

I started dating a man a few months ago. He had his own business and a decent salary. His divorce was finalised a year ago but his ex wife had struggled to sell the family home as she couldn’t find anywhere she wanted to buy. Meanwhile he was having to live with his mum until the house sold. Suddenly the clients dried up and almost overnight he found he had no career (AI has ruined his industry and he has several friends in the same line of work also in the same position). He has some debts too.

I have to admit that on paper this was not really an attractive prospect. I rent a beautiful home for me and my kids and I am quite independent. I did deliberate if I really wanted to date a jobless man who lived with his mum. But i thought I’d see how he handled this situation. It certainly wasn’t of his making. Anyone can find themselves in a bad situation. It’s how they handle it that’s important.

He went out and found work the next week. He hates the work to be fair, though he has made some friends and is making the best of it. He has to get up at 4:30am every day. His back is killing him. But every day he’s up, he manages to put a smile on and crack on. He’s applying for jobs and has an interview this week. He’s up for retraining. He says he cannot fathom the idea of not working. He stays at my house a fair bit, but he makes dinner, buys food, tidies up. He’s very conscious of not imposing or out staying his welcome. His old house is now under offer and he will get his own place and settle his debts once he receives his half of the settlement.

I nearly ended it when things were looking bleak. I’m glad I didn’t. He has really proved himself.

Your chap sounds lazy and like he’s looking for a meal ticket. He’s only trying to pull his socks up as he’s seen his meal ticket slipping away. If he was so motivated to get his life on track he would have done it. And not because you threatened to end things but because he wanted to. As for the second holiday to Thailand…?? Very iffy. Single middle aged men off to Thailand on their own.

Doesn’t look great does it?

No, on the basis of everything you’ve said you were not wrong at all to end this.

OMG I just read your updates about him thinking about hurting people.

Run! This is not a good man.

What’s a dusty please?!!!

I mean pretty much what op describes lol.

A broke ass man that will contribute little or no value to your life. But he sure will try to take value from it, that you can count on.

He is too old for you, lives with his mum has no real work and is indolent. He owes money and has no shame about it and probably would not qualify for a mortgage.
you are insane to even think about a long term relationship with him. He will be a leech on you, find someone nearer your own age with ambition.

You are and have everything that he does not. If he hitches a ride with, he'll never have to bother working for thide things himself. Ditch. Block. Move on.

This man sounds not your equal OP, not even close. The right call to leave.

I wouldn't stick around with a man I didn't know who had intrusive hurting people thoughts, as I didn't know him but can I just say some people do have awful intrusive thoughts through OCD and high anxiety and although this man may not have these things, others do. Many women think about harming their babies during PND even if they wouldn't do it in a million year. I would not take a chance on an unknown man, especially if he had all these problems and it could indicate a danger in this instance.

@msS123 go with your gut. Dump.

The fact he likes holidaying in Thailand would be a red flag for me. Young people visiting on a gap year, fine. A 45 year old going there alone multiple times is beyond dodgy. IMO.

I have a security code to get in which he doesnt know and im on the top floor of the apartment block there's only one door in. I also have to locks on my door. I had thought he may come here but I hope he does not.

Get rid of asap!

Urgh! Yet another man-child who defaults to living back with mummy and daddy when life gets a bit tough. Boo hoo we're all working hard and are tired but most of us recognise our responsibilities in life and step up ffs!
Ditch him ASAP OP!

He was hoping you’d suggest he move into your flat, wasn’t he! Cheeky beggar. I think you’re well rid of him. He seems like a lazy scrounger.

@msS123
He was hoping to move into yours and if it was raised perhaps then find the "odd job" to do thinking this would be enough for him to permanently become a fixture
Good riddance to the shite useless waster leech I say,
He'd only have probably become resentful and toxic eventually
Thinking because you were probably doing better you were somehow rubbing his nose in it

Well done for dumping him now. Dont doubt yourself or feel that you cant trust your judgement or anything… my feeling is he has had to try hard to present a ‘normal front’ for you to fall for him the past year but has been unable to keep it up.
There is a reason why you never introduced him to your children.
But also the Thailand lads holidays are a major red flag, I wouldn’t know this either but my husband went there for business not by choice and it was lots of naked women in bars, literally every bar.
You will find someone better … and better suited for your family too.