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Am I right to end the relationship.

124 replies

msS123 · Yesterday 13:18

So to start im 32 have two kids from a previous relationship. A year ago I met a 45 year old man who at the time was working for himself and renting a house, we got on great and all was good until the past few months. He had to leave the rental property he was in due to it being sold and he moved home to his mum. He had his own carpentry business and recently decided it wasn't doing so well so sold his work van and said he will still do odd jobs but won't be working full time that he's not fit because of back pain. All of this started to put me off because I'm a single mum but I still have a job and I have my own apartment. He recently came over to my place and asked what my future plans were for housing? I have a beautiful apartment so not sure why he asked that but I did tell him in future I'd love to build in the countryside as I have been given land by a family member and I asked what about you what are his plans for housing. His reply was not sure but I might be to old for a mortgage and he recently announced he maxed out a credit card years ago which he has no intention to repay. I was horrified because I could not sleep at night if I had unpaid debts. He had one day of work this week and I contacted him that afternoon to see how it went he said I couldn't be bothered to get up I had no energy then spoke about hating his life and wanting to go on his second holiday of the year to Thailand. I instantly got annoyed and decided enough is enough and told him I'm ending the relationship so I can find a compatible partner who actually has ambitions in life. He has since told me he will go get a full time job and can we work towards a mortgage. With his debts and unwillingness to work I don't think I should give him another chance.

OP posts:
sweetpotatopie2 · Today 17:49

I think he just isn't a good match for you. He's making big promises to try to keep you, not because a different life is what he wants. Also, at 45, he's got a long track record that counts far more than mere words coming out of his mouth.

There's no reason to feel guilty. Since you've discovered that you aren't a good match for the long term, that break-up is going to come. So it's actually kinder to set him free, so he can find someone whose lifestyle and goals align better with his.

More importantly, as a single mom you need to think of your kids way before him anyway, which is exactly what you're doing. You are doing the right thing.

Sassylovesbooks · Today 17:50

I can tell you exactly what he was looking for housing wise...to move in with you! I suspect that if he's been self-employed, then it's likely he's not been paying his tax and the business is doing poorly because he's lazy. Being self-employed equates to long hours and hard graft. He's 45, no job, no/to little pension, no home of his own (rented or mortgage) and in debt up to his eyeballs. How is any of that attractive? You have absolutely made the right decision.

ByUniqueViper · Today 17:50

You're right. He sounds like a loser. I wouldn't entertain him

NoHangoversToday · Today 17:52

God, dump dump dump.

As someone on MN once said 'No-one falls in love more quickly than a man who needs somewhere to live'.

He has no ambitions. He is lazy. He doesn't even try and take jobs when he is offered them. And seriously- as someone who lived and worked in Thailand for 2 years- there is only one type of Western male who holidays alone in Thailand and it is to exploit locals for sex.

Bridgewhat24 · Today 17:56

Is he depressed?

Gwenna · Today 17:58

msS123 · Yesterday 13:18

So to start im 32 have two kids from a previous relationship. A year ago I met a 45 year old man who at the time was working for himself and renting a house, we got on great and all was good until the past few months. He had to leave the rental property he was in due to it being sold and he moved home to his mum. He had his own carpentry business and recently decided it wasn't doing so well so sold his work van and said he will still do odd jobs but won't be working full time that he's not fit because of back pain. All of this started to put me off because I'm a single mum but I still have a job and I have my own apartment. He recently came over to my place and asked what my future plans were for housing? I have a beautiful apartment so not sure why he asked that but I did tell him in future I'd love to build in the countryside as I have been given land by a family member and I asked what about you what are his plans for housing. His reply was not sure but I might be to old for a mortgage and he recently announced he maxed out a credit card years ago which he has no intention to repay. I was horrified because I could not sleep at night if I had unpaid debts. He had one day of work this week and I contacted him that afternoon to see how it went he said I couldn't be bothered to get up I had no energy then spoke about hating his life and wanting to go on his second holiday of the year to Thailand. I instantly got annoyed and decided enough is enough and told him I'm ending the relationship so I can find a compatible partner who actually has ambitions in life. He has since told me he will go get a full time job and can we work towards a mortgage. With his debts and unwillingness to work I don't think I should give him another chance.

He sounds like he wants to mooch…and a mummy.

Gwenna · Today 17:58

NoHangoversToday · Today 17:52

God, dump dump dump.

As someone on MN once said 'No-one falls in love more quickly than a man who needs somewhere to live'.

He has no ambitions. He is lazy. He doesn't even try and take jobs when he is offered them. And seriously- as someone who lived and worked in Thailand for 2 years- there is only one type of Western male who holidays alone in Thailand and it is to exploit locals for sex.

👏👏👏

riceuten · Today 18:00

Solo holiday to Thailand - I don’t think he’s visiting Buddhist temples, to be honest.

HouseBee · Today 18:12

Even without reading your OP the answer is ‘OF COURSE you’re right to do that’.
Thats because you dint need a reason good enough. Not wanting to be with him is enough!

Then I read your OP.
There are so many 🚩🚩🚩 it’s insane.
Youre not having the same values at all.
He is going on hols to Thailand (on his own?)
has debts he doesn’t plan to repay
Wants to use you and your house
I mean the ,it sounds endless.

sweetpotatopie2 · Today 18:13

Aside from everything else that's been discussed, chronic back pain is very disabling. It's likely he'll never work a lot again.

My DH has it but we're older. He's frequently a bit "out of it" on pain meds and it's hard for him to go anywhere for very long. It tends to get worse over time, too. That's yet another consideration for a young woman with little kids.

Kattitude121 · Today 18:24

Run! He’s a scrounger and will suck you dry.

sweetpotatopie2 · Today 18:25

Also, I think it's typical to feel a bit lousy whenever a relationship ends. No way around that but I wouldn't give it more importance than it deserves. It doesn't mean ending it was a mistake.

Jamlighter · Today 18:32

good job

Laura95167 · Today 18:36

Hes looking to doss at your house, especially as he heard you have land. Block and delete - he sounds awful

TFImBackIn · Today 18:38

So many red flags! Why do these idiots always work for themselves? I'm convinced it's because they are unemployable. Imagine going on holiday to Thailand when you live with your mum, have no job and have debts. What a bloody loser he is. And yes, the question to you about your housing intentions was to see if it was worth his while hanging around.

IsThistheMiddleofNowhere · Today 18:42

Gosh no. You are not being petty. Not only would he be a financial drain on you, he would also be an emotional drain. He's said he hates his life. I cant see any sign of passion or enthusiasm.

Koriko · Today 18:44

Good riddance to him!!

MissRaspberryRipples · Today 18:50

He's 45 lives with his mummy and doesn't even want to work. Definitely right to dump him off sounds like his life plan was gonna to be to live with you and spend his days scrounging off you. Seems you dodged a bullet there he sounds like a waster

MrsVBS · Today 18:52

Go with your gut instinct, he’s never going to change and if you live together etc it’ll be ten times worse, not to mention how unattractive it is for a man to have no drive or ambition, you’ve done the right thing ending things.

Horses7 · Today 18:55

🤣
You know the answer to this - if you don’t you’re as deluded as he is….and I’m sure you’re not!

LoftyPlumLion · Today 18:58

Get rid.

Eggsandavocado · Today 19:00

Well done for ending it 💪

rjfiih · Today 19:02

This is classic hobosexual/cocklodger behaviour. They fall in love with someone just as there's an "accommodation emergency". Then there's an "employment emergency" and before you know it you have a full-blown cocklodger living in your house. Once they are there they usually start with some kind of medical issue - often mental health - which means they can no longer work at all or can't look for another job.

He had to leave the rental property he was in due to it being sold and he moved home to his mum
Classic accommodation emergency.

He had his own carpentry business and recently decided it wasn't doing so well so sold his work van and said he will still do odd jobs but won't be working full time that he's not fit because of back pain
Hot on its heels comes the employment emergency.

All of this started to put me off because I'm a single mum but I still have a job and I have my own apartment. He recently came over to my place and asked what my future plans were for housing?

Of course you have your job and apartment. If you didn't have those he would have found someone else to prey on.
And of course he asked what your "future plans" were. He was hoping to move in with you.

If you hadn't dumped him he'd have moved in by stealth in no time at all.

Pinadaqx2 · Today 19:03

How long have you dated him? As time goes on you see the cracks. He sounds like Peter pan.... he clearly has poor money management.

Just leave. He isn't right for you.

Justlikestartingover2 · Today 19:04

Why would he sell his work van if business is bad?? Surely that would make work
impossible. My guess would be it was either taken by bailiffs or he has been banned from driving. Good for you for dumping him.

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