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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Some advice please, not sure what to do!

44 replies

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 14:03

Me & my partner have been together 9mths (known each other about 18mths before), i love him to bits, but i just don't know what to do, he's 35 and never been in a longterm relationship, he's used to doing what he wants, when he wants etc but its starting to really annoy me. For instance he goes out every weds as he plays for a bowling league, every friday he never plans anything for us, he likes to go out on the town with his mates. sundays he plays with his westfield kit car. he never really plays or bonds with my daughter, only gets the urge to shout when shes not doing as shes told. which i forbid him to do, unless warranted. I never stop him going out but when it would be nice to be put first for once. its like he's afraid to let go of the single life he knows so well. What do i do??

OP posts:

Snaf · 01/07/2008 14:06

35 and never been in a long-term relationship? What should you do?

Run. Away.

Sorry, I know that's not very helpful. Have you told him how you feel?

Iklboo · 01/07/2008 14:08

Be a devil and arrange something for the two of you yourself like a meal or buy cinema/theatre tickets. If he's not a spoiled brat he'll be glad to go with you.
Maybe he's just crap at arranging things for other people?
Alternatively, he could be an arsehole

charliecat · 01/07/2008 14:10

Whats he doing on all the other nights that he doesnt have something planned?
Book something for you two to do then. Then sy ohh that was nice we should do that again...

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 14:13

yep i've told him how i feel, and he tells me i'm being silly and that he loves me, and feels i'm being to clingy for wanting to see him one friday in a month, but the way he does stuff from my point of view its a casual relationship.
Iklboo he's not crap when it comes to arranging things for himself.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2008 14:15

He's never been in a long term relationship - I wonder why .

He sounds awfully like my BIL - yet another person who cannot "do" relationships at all because he's both too immature and selfish to countenance such a thing.

Your man sounds like a manchild for you to look after. You have a child already, you do not need to parent another one.

He's no role model for your daughter to look up to either is he?. What are you getting exactly out of this so called relationship?.

charliecat · 01/07/2008 14:16

Cant you see him saturday or any of the other nights?

notjustmom · 01/07/2008 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 14:19

Charlie its a struggle to get him home from work before 7pm, when i asked him to come home one night last week for dinner at 6:30 he gave me a lecture about how his work is soo important. Thing is he doesn't get into work till about 10am (as he's on flexible time being a team manager) so doesn't finish till late, i've told him if he gets into work earlier then he'll finish earlier.
He lives with his mum still, and he's been on about getting a place of his own, he's not strapped for cash he has a highly paid job so i helped him look for a place of his own which he's due to complete on end of the month, and i feel with his new found independance the situation will get worse. I love him so i don't know what to do.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2008 14:20

Re your comment:-

"yep i've told him how i feel, and he tells me i'm being silly and that he loves me, and feels I'm being to clingy for wanting to see him one friday in a month".

Is that so?. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it. Loads of red flags here.

If a friend was telling you all this what would your response be?.

I'd end this now (and I don't say such things lightly) before he disappoints you further and you end up falling for him even more. You are worth far more than he. Leave him to his Westfield kit and his bowling.

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 14:21

I have more in common with his best mate, who i speak to everyday and see more off than i do my partner.

OP posts:

RosaLuxembunting · 01/07/2008 14:23

Lives with his mum. Never had a long term relationship. Never had to consider anyone but himself.

Run away screaming. NOW.

Seriously though, what sort of advice are you asking for here? He is clearly selfish and has made it clear to you that he isn't prepared to change the smallest detail of his life for you. Is this the sort of man you want to share your life with? He doesn't sound like very good stepfather material for a start.
Kick him to the kerb and start again.

pagwatch · 01/07/2008 14:23

I think 'he lives with his mum still' is a pretty big red flag tbh.

Snaf · 01/07/2008 14:23

He dismisses your needs within the relationship and patronises you.
He won't spend time with you, even once in a while.
He interacts negatively with your dd.
He 'lectures' you on how important his work is (does he think your work is just as important? I bet not.)
He is 35 and still lives with his mum, despite having a well-paid job.

What are his good points? I assume he must have some.

pagwatch · 01/07/2008 14:24

But it is how he treats your daughter that would make me run away.

charliecat · 01/07/2008 14:24

Hmmm, ok he does sound a bit unmovable, set in his ways, but going out with your mates once a week, and bowling, and spending one day a week with a car arent really hideous crimes, if hes spending some of his spare time with you and your dd. And not just moaning at her.
When do you see him?

boudoiricca · 01/07/2008 14:24

Judgey Judgey Judge

35 and lives with his Mum?! = end this and find a grown up to have a relationship with

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 14:25

Yeah i can see what your all saying, i think i know what i have to do which makes me sad thinking about it.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2008 14:25

MM,

Re your comment:-

"its a struggle to get him home from work before 7pm, when i asked him to come home one night last week for dinner at 6:30 he gave me a lecture about how his work is soo important. Thing is he doesn't get into work till about 10am (as he's on flexible time being a team manager) so doesn't finish till late, i've told him if he gets into work earlier then he'll finish earlier".

So he's also putting his work before you as well as his social life. Says an awful lot about him and where you both are in terms of priorities.

"He lives with his mum still" (why am I not surprised?)

"and he's been on about getting a place of his own (so's my BIL and he has no intention of moving out)

"he's not strapped for cash he has a highly paid job so i helped him look for a place of his own which he's due to complete on end of the month, and i feel with his new found independance the situation will get worse. I love him so i don't know what to do".

Think he's taken advantage of your vulnerability and honed in on it. You've enabled him enough, let him go for your own sake before he makes you more unhappy. He cannot or will not make you happy in the long term. You may "love" him (what is there to love about him exactly?) but he does not love you - could well be saying that he loves you to keep you sweet. He just wants someone else to carry on where his Mother has left off; she's likely glad that some other poor sap (i.e you) is now looking after/parenting him.

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 14:33

Charlie, its good he has interests all i ask is that occasionally he puts those aside and spends some real quality time with us, and gives him time to bond with my daughter, as shes not a naughty girl. I see him on a monday evening depending on what time he finishes work, generally after my DD goes to bed, same goes for tues and thurs, sat depending on how bad his hangover is from friday night, generally not till about 1pm so thats half the day wasted.

He has taken me to rome for my birthday & we went to barcelona for his birthday 2 weeks ago, and we had a really good time together away from it all. but when its back to reality its like a switch is flicked back. He's going to teach my DD to ride her bike which he brought for her birthday, which i asked him to do which will be good for both of them to spend time together he thought it was a great idea. i just wish he would just do these things off his own back without me having to ask or tell him.

OP posts:

Freckle · 01/07/2008 14:33

So he never spends time with you - so how is he your dp? Does he only ever come over to you to shout at your dd and have a quick shag? Doesn't sound much like a relationship to me.

I don't take any notice of his age and no long-term relationship (dh was 34 when we got married and had never had a long-term relationship before me - we've now been married over 15 years and he's a fab dh and dad), but still living with his mum might be of concern. At least dh had lived away at uni and then bought his own home before we met. When your dp moves into his own home, how long before he wants to spend more time with you - while you do his washing and ironing, etc?

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 14:35

Attila i did ask him sunday, if he actually does love me or is he just telling me as its easy to say. I told him i feel like he sees me when he wants and gets fed, and has sex on tap - he said he felt really offended by that and he does love me, and i'm the best thing thats happened to him!

OP posts:

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 14:37

freckle, i'd never do his washing as his mum would prob do that, ironing i hate doing my own so i certainly wouldn't do his!

OP posts:

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 14:45

For instance today, i've had a cold all week, i had a text from (D)p this morning, asking if i was okay, but i had a phonecall from his bestmate asking if i was okay and i needed anything, surely that should be the other way around?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2008 14:48

"he said he felt really offended by that and he does love me, and i'm the best thing thats happened to him!"

Sorry to appear cynical here but he would say that wouldn't he?. He has all the comforts (and sex) without any apparant responsibility to pull his weight. You're his surrogate mummy.

And his mother does his washing too - more fool her. Such women infantalise their kidults further.

Viz would call such a man a "cocklodger".

FlirtyThirty · 01/07/2008 14:49

Why would you want to be with someone how would rather spend time without you and your daughter...?

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