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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Some advice please, not sure what to do!

44 replies

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 14:03

Me & my partner have been together 9mths (known each other about 18mths before), i love him to bits, but i just don't know what to do, he's 35 and never been in a longterm relationship, he's used to doing what he wants, when he wants etc but its starting to really annoy me. For instance he goes out every weds as he plays for a bowling league, every friday he never plans anything for us, he likes to go out on the town with his mates. sundays he plays with his westfield kit car. he never really plays or bonds with my daughter, only gets the urge to shout when shes not doing as shes told. which i forbid him to do, unless warranted. I never stop him going out but when it would be nice to be put first for once. its like he's afraid to let go of the single life he knows so well. What do i do??

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2008 14:49

Texting is such a lazy way of communicating. This guy gives not a toss for you honestly.

Give this man the boot before you get further dragged in and or down.

JillJ72 · 01/07/2008 14:52

"freckle, i'd never do his washing as his mum would prob do that, ironing i hate doing my own so i certainly wouldn't do his!"

If my husband took his washing back to his mother's, even if he was my boyfriend and not my husband, I'd be utterly mortified. He's a grown man!

It sounds to me that you are looking for something stable and long-lasting whereas his words and actions aren't necessarily intimating the same.... Good luck.

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 14:52

i like that cocklodger lol!!

I told him last week if he goes out friday he has to cook dinner for me saturday, which he did and he brought wine to!

We fell pregnant back in march, i miscarried at 8weeks when i found out he went really distant on me, i told him so ( i actually ranted at him for it) and again his best mate was there more for me than what DP was, although once spking to DP he said he was scared and upset and didn't know how to deal with it. but i needed him more than anything then and he wasn't really there for me. as i'm writing this i know what i need to do.

OP posts:

notjustmom · 01/07/2008 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 14:54

I'm 25 and i did say by time i'm 30-35 i would like to be settled into a relationship, and he said thats a long time away, i asked what he wanted from me, and he said he wants to build on our relationship, but how can we build when he won't let anything go??

OP posts:

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 14:56

Notjustmom, i know his best mate like me and i like him to, and he's good with DD. that would make life difficult if we did that!!

OP posts:

TinySocks · 01/07/2008 15:05

I haven't read the whole thread, but, if I were you I would run a mile BEFORE things get more serious.

He is the type of man that is NOT ready for commitment. Don't fool yourself thinking you can make him change.

If you stay with him, I can predict that in a few years you will be writing a post here in mumsnet more or less as follows:

"DP have been together for xx years, we had a baby a few months ago. He was never been very interested in spending time with us during the weekend, but I thought that would change with time, specially after having our baby. However this has not changed, I am upset, I don't know what to do, shall I leave him? What about my children? I don't want to raise them alone,etc."

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 15:07

yeah the more i read back about what i've put and what you ladies are saying i really need to leave him

OP posts:

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 15:28

I've never let a man rule my life so why i'm doing this i really don't know, i've decided to do my own thing, and tell him we either need a temporary split to figure out what we both want or we go our seperate ways. I don't want to lose the friendship i have with his best mate tho!

OP posts:

pagwatch · 01/07/2008 15:34

Don't feel bad.
Just try and figure out if it is him that you care about and want to be with. Or the version of him that played with your daughter and wanted time with you as his first option and was trying to find all the ways in which you could be together.

If you want improved him then it is not going to happen and you will just be disappointed

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 15:37

yeah i think i will prob end up being disappointed. What to do about friendship with his mate, as i don't want to lose that

OP posts:

LittleSarah · 01/07/2008 15:58

I think what would would most upset me here would be the way he is with your dd, that's not good, not good at all.

Also, re living with ma at 35. BAD. My mum went out with someone in his 40s who still lived at home (although he could easily afford not too), never told his parents about her (because she was divorced with kids and they wouldn't approve) and really couldn't handle her 'baggage' himself. I think living at home when you don't need to translates very often as emotionally immature, and those guys are not worth it. My mum and this guy eventually broke up - after 8 years! - and a few years later he's back on the scene as a 'fuck buddy', honestly it's so wearying just watching her. She justifies it pathetically and it makes me want to scream.

She could do so much better. As I'm sure you could.

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 01/07/2008 17:53

yeah everyone says i can do better, we've got company tonight and next few nights so will have a long discussion with his at the weekend.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 01/07/2008 20:19

Why not just have a very short discussion? It only takes two words - the second word being "off".

Original poster

TheMuppetMuggle · 02/07/2008 12:41

LOL @ Annie

OP posts:

ShanBrod · 02/07/2008 13:13

RED flags here
He sounds like hes wanting a casual relationship and i doubt it will progress or his outgoings will change any time soon
.

fransmom · 04/07/2008 12:47

tmm i'm sorry i only juts found your messages sweetheart, i willtry and read the whole thread properly when dd with her dad. trying to write quick. willtext you later. xp couldn't arrange things for us then would arraneg surprise party fo rhis mat equite easily.

fransmom · 07/07/2008 14:55

oh sweetheart
i'm not sure what to say, i have read the whole thread and it does sound like you know what to do. maybe you need a bit more time to make the decsion that you need to ((((((((((((((tmm))))))))))))))) dd just come and said hi so ihave to go. xxxxxxxx

madamez · 07/07/2008 15:01

DOes he know you're 'in a relationship' with him? It all sounds a bit one-sided to me. Like he sees you sometimes and you have sex sometimes, but that's as far as it goes for him.

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