Is this negging and am I flogging a dead horse?

[PyrexCup]

I've started having sex with my new boyfriend. It has been a little awkward as he does have ED and he didn't mention it, which I can understand. I'm 55, he's 59. We're both in fairly good physical nick for our age I suppose. He has a job in construction and I also have a job that means I'm on my feet for most of the day.

We've been together since around the end of April and took a lot of time to get to know each other. Work is demanding for both of us and very often I notice he is just too tired to even be interested in sex and we have only managed to have penetrative sex once and it wasn't great.

It's a couple of things that he said that have upset me. After seeing me naked a fair few times, we were in bed once and he said "You have great breasts for a woman your age". I just thought why even say "for your age". I supposed they're not entirely pointing southwards just yet and still pretty good, but it felt like one of those half compliments.

Quite early on when we first met, he said "When you walked into the cafe, I thought you were much younger. But then when you got up close I thought no, she might be in her late forties". So again, like a half compliment. Why say it like that? He could have just said, oh, you look younger than you are and leave it at that.

Then very recently I was talking about needing to lose a bit of weight. It's only maybe half a stone around my middle aged spread really. He also needs to lose a bit around there. I mentioned it to him, about eating healthier and he said "You need to lose a couple of stone". I currently weigh 10.10 and I'm 5' 8".

Is this negging? Have I overlooked negging early on?

There are other red flags. I know for a fact that he's masturbating a lot when I'm not there. He forgets to put his used tissues in the bin... I know, gross... and sometimes they're in the bed when I get in. That's another thing that's really bugging me. So since April, he has had two erections when with me, one sort of worked, the other disappeared.

And I can see him openly appreciating other women when we are out together. Sometimes he even comments on how attractive they are. Then we get home and he falls asleep.

I am a very sexual person and I don't think I can go on like this.

Your stands are not too high - they are far too low. He is insulting your face/body and openly disrespecting you by leering at other women whole in your company. The 'soiled' tissues would make me heave.

A good man will make you feel good about yourself. Bored or not, you will regain some self esteem by telling him to take a hike.

Your standards can be as high as you like. They are YOUR standards. You shouldn’t lower them to be with someone. Let alone a loser like this guy.

And you feel he was trying to make you jealous, because - he was trying to make you jealous.

The sexual frustration and insecurity only gets worse staying with these sort. They aren’t interested in giving you what you want. They want you a pent up ball of neediness so that they feel in control. They continue to drop not so subtle comments about other women and compliments that aren’t actually compliments. All designed to leave you wondering “wtf does that mean”.

Don’t look to the knife in your back to stop your pain. It can’t do that, it only causes it. Pull it out and run!

Sounds like some typical porn addicted old fart. Can’t get it up for a real woman and is only able to wank over 20 year olds being exploited and harmed. He sounds gross. You’re better off without him. Find someone who can get it up, there’s plenty willing.

OP, what do you like about him? He does not sound nice on any level. In a nutshell he is ogling other women, making comments about your body that don't make you feel adored and can't get it up. I wouldn't spend any time wondering why. Find someone who counts their lucky stars they are with you rather than admiring other women in your presence. This is without considering the bed full of used tissues-that's the end right there, isn't it? Grim and a bit weird.

Does he have any good points you have forgotten to mention? You will be happier single.

I figured you would say that.

You know what I would do this Saturday, I'd dump him then go down the supermarket and buy the biggest bunch of flowers they had lol.

I know you must be hurting, it's a horrible situation to be in. But it will pass.

Wank tissues in the bed?? 🤮🤮🤮🤮 I’d bin him just for that, never mind the other shite. Get rid, he’s grim.

Yes, that's it. I feel not adored, undesirable... I know I am fairly fit and fairly attractive for my age. I was feeling pretty good about myself until I got to know him.

Time to wave goodbye. I needed this validation.

Great plan!!!

Sounds like some typical porn addicted old fart.

This

Absolutely everyone knows it won't go down well to tell someone they are dating they need to lose 2 stone, when they don't.

When I saw your user name, I thought crispy tissues and crispy sheets 😂Oh I really need to get rid!!

I know, it was totally negging me. Now I realise.

Last time I was 9 stone my GP asked if everything was OK. I lost my appetite due to a massive trauma and CPTSD. This was 4 years ago. I'm good now thank goodness.

Asshole of the first order!!

Why on earth are you putting up with this? He's got dirty habits, is a sleaze, and can't even manage to have sex.

I bet he couldn't believe his luck when you went out with him and now he's trying to knock your confidence so that you are grateful and won't look elsewhere.

Raise your game woman! You can do lots better than this, please don't settle for this loser.

Just the wank tissues in the bed alone would have me dumping him, add in everything else and it’s a no brainer.

Yes, you're flogging a dead horse OP. PP have put it succinctly!

Dump him today @PyrexCup
Then go and buy yourself some flowers (and a vibrator if you’re sexually frustrated - it’ll perform way better than him!)

Ugh. Dump.

This with bells on! Put brilliantly well and succinctly!!

He was expecting maybe Margot Robbie?

A wanker indeed, both literally and figuratively. He sounds gross in every way.

"I'm bored, sexually frustrated and pissed off" = "Are my standards too high?"

When you look at it like that, can you not see that your standards are not only not 'too high', they're through the floor!

OP your standards are too low not high as you posted earlier. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? You could make some critical remarks to him about his ED or him staring at younger women who would not fancy him or jokes about being nearly 60 and looking his age but that would be stooping to his level. Time to end this and find a younger man I think.....

You sound a similar build/size to me OP and I certainly do not need to lose any weight. And I agree that adding “for your age” to any compliment instantly negates it.

Dump him and wish him luck finding someone younger and thinner with better breasts he’ll need it.

Literally 🤧