Regretting brief relationship with younger colleague and feel so stupid

[Helenn26]

I haven’t spoken to anyone IRL about this as I feel so stupid.

I am nearly 50 and have been single for a few years bar a couple of short lived relationships.

A couple of years ago I became friendly with a man at work - we are in separate departments (huge company) but the hot desking arrangements meant we sat by each other a couple of days a week and got along well and bonded over mutual hobbies.

I knew he had a young child and a partner; over time he started to bemoan some stuff about his relationship and he also listened to me complaining about dates etc.

In the summer, he told me he had separated from his partner but they remained living together. We met at a hotel and slept together. This has happened a few more times; he told me he didn’t care about the age gap and that once he’d sorted a new place to live he could see himself pursuing a relationship with me.

Earlier this week, he told me he’d decided to get back with his partner and he couldn’t see me any more. I told him he’d strung me along and that I felt really hurt. He turned nasty on messages and has blocked me now. He said things about it working for both of us and that I got to sleep with someone much younger who I’d never be with in ‘normal circumstances’ and that he had ‘fun with someone experienced’ so it was just a ‘summer fling’.

He is sitting elsewhere in the office now so I don’t have to see him, but I am stuck between feeling humiliated and that I have been so stupid to ever get involved with him. I also feel very sorry for his partner who is unaware.

I am not sure what I’m looking for by posting this, maybe some tough love. I know I’ve been an idiot.

Yes exactly. Do nothing @Helenn26 Just move on. The very idea that you should tell his wife/partner what happened is horrific. Getting revenge is such a nasty thing to do. All you will do is hurt and upset HER, and possibly get a disciplinary yourself for harassment, and maybe even the sack!

In this kind of scenario, the man always comes out of it smelling of roses. He will be fine, you and his partner will not! As I said, she will be devastated, and you will be in big trouble, and will acquire a reputation as a bunny boiler!

You both got what you wanted, (a few good shags,) don't go and wreck your life by turning into a bunny boiler. 😬

Some absolutely mind-bending maths on this thread!

OP is nearly 50, so 49. The man is 34. The age difference is 15 years- not my personal bag but hardly unheard of in either relationships or casual sex.

49 is also very obviously not "old".

I thought their ages were 34 and 59, no?

My bad. I misread, you're correct, only 15 years (which is far less dodgy!)

Im sorry that sounds painful.
But you did ask for tough love.... You have been naive and its got you hurt.
Sleeping with someone who has been bemoaning their relationship ,who has children and is still living with their partner is unwise and im sure you've learnt a salient lesson. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it and wouldnt' do as some have suggested lash out (although i understand the temptation.)
Write it off as a learning experience and remain dignified.
Also ,be aware that these slippery types sometime pop up again when it suits them. Be ready and politely decline.

I’m sorry you went through this. You need to keep records of your exchanges in case he ever goes to HR. Under no circumstances should you reach out to him in anyway on any platform because it could be used against you.

Unfortunately, this isn’t some random bloke. It’s someone you work with. Reaching out after he’s blocked you could get you fired.

This.
Keep those messages.
He's a nasty piece of work.
Highly likely he was never single.
You were, but your judgement was poor.

Don't mess where you eat is a wise saying for a reason.
Good luck

Sorry OP but yoir post is a bit two faced. You said at some point he started to "moan" was it about his relationship? Did you participate? Did you listed and made the right noises? That was your first red flag, man moaning about their wives to another woman should tell you all you need to know about him but you ignored it and went on and slept with him knowing they still live together. That (separatwd but living together) sounds so far fatched and ridiculous, is unlikely you believed this at 50 but you went along with it anyway. Where was your compassion for the wife there? No, is not only your fault but you closed your eyes because you liked the attention but please don't fake compassion for the wife now, if things turned differently and you would have become an item you wouldn't have the compassion, would you?

In the summer, he told me he had separated from his partner but they remained living together

Yeah, that was your first mistake. Assuming he was being honest. Look, it would be amazing if everyone always meant exactly what they said, but come on. He never split from her at any point. He just wanted to try out an older woman. It happened to me once, before I met my partner. It's so embarrassing. But some men will just say anything at all to get their way.

They were never separated.

Have to agree with this, and whilst what has happened to the OP is not nice, I can't bring myself to empathise with her, or give her any sympathy. She's not some wide eyed naive 18 year old. She's 50. The vast majority of women (at this point in their lives) know what bullshit men come out with.

I believe she was kidding herself, and did turn a blind eye to the red flags, (and didn't give the man's partner a second thought,) in the hope of a relationship with this man. Was never going to happen, as men don't typically get into relationships with women 15 years older, and they very rarely leave their wives.

Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh @Helenn26 but I don't want you making the same mistake again, and falling for the bullshit of a man who is clearly an absolute twat. As I said earlier, just be grateful that you're not married to him, and have kids with him!

.

I think you knew deep down that he hadn’t split from his partner, I mean, you weren’t born yesterday, were you?

He acted no worse than you did, so there was no need for you to get cross with him. You went into this with your eyes open.

Just see it for what it was. Just a bit of fun.

@Helenn26

Harsh but spot on. Just move on and beware him trying it on again because he’s “ realised he can’t live without you..” Move on, look after number 1.

We can’t know if he was genuinely separated from his partner or not. Either way, it was a poor decision OP – your experience should tell you not to pursue something with a freshly separated man with a child still living with his ex. Did you expect simplicity from a situation like this?

The possible cheating aside, I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. How has he strung you along exactly?

You just need to focus on other areas of your life and put it out of your mind.

If by 'winner', you mean has the sense I was born with, them yeah.

I told him he’d strung me along and that I felt really hurt.

Come on, OP, you knew he had / hah had a partner and child and if he was being truthful and had split while he had his thing with you, then the right approach would to have accepted his decision and stepped back gracefully to lick your wounds.

He has since been v unpleasant in response to your response - which does suggest it was a fling for him all along. Whether or not he had split from his partner.

It hurts but honestly in a few months you will look back and see that this was never a permanent goer.

Take the compliment, leave the sting. It hurts but you have been trusting and naive not stupid Learn from it and move forward. You are clearly still attractive and there will be someone better out there for you.

Exactly. This had a bad start and no future, even if he was separated, ( which he might have been ) who knows. You had no future with him. Be happy he showed what a user her was. You also used him though for emotional support. Get out with your friends and build yourself up.

There was nothing he was offering that you can’t give yourself x x

IME, men don't have any more 'stamina' in their mid 30s (as this man is,) than a man of 50. Anyway, to go for a younger man because he can shag for a few minutes longer is a bit weird and shallow IMO, and I, for one don't want a man who pounds me like a kango hammer for too long anyway.

.

Hi op this happens a lot you were the single one. Op if he is every nasty again just tell him I can always tell you partner you slept with me for the older woman experience I slept with because I was bored or just needed a shag. Either way men lie to get what they want he’s got more to lose than you. So if he’s smug remind him of that.

Oh, I don't know. I can't see myself booking a hotel for a rendezvous with a sextoy (even a human one)

Chortle

Fully agree and as said, it appears not an uncommon thought process amongst middle aged women, “ I shagged you so I am now entitled to a relationship with you for as long as I wish”

this guy didn’t offer the op a relationship, he said he could see that when he had his own place, but that’s not a promise, it’s not an offer, it’s not now. immediately the op should have said why not now. He didn’t even offer to take her on a date for goodness sake, it was fucking in a hotel room. There was no leading on, simply the op thought or hoped if she shagged him she’d get a relationship out of it,

Exactly! This guy didnt even go on any dates with her in public, it was a few seedy meetings for sex in a hotel room.

How you go from that to thinking you have been promised or are owed a serious "relationship" is just insanity

Send the messages to his wife

Everyone begging op to tell the wife - have you missed the fact that she and this man are colleagues? Depending on their work policy, she and/or he could lose their jobs. Seen it before.

This isn't for your entertainment - this is someone's very real life.

@Helenn26 Earlier this week, he told me he’d decided to get back with his partner and he couldn’t see me any more.

Yes, people can change their minds.

I told him he’d strung me along and that I felt really hurt.

A bit unusual to feel hurt by someone that you were never in a relationship with.