Regretting brief relationship with younger colleague and feel so stupid

[Helenn26]

I haven’t spoken to anyone IRL about this as I feel so stupid.

I am nearly 50 and have been single for a few years bar a couple of short lived relationships.

A couple of years ago I became friendly with a man at work - we are in separate departments (huge company) but the hot desking arrangements meant we sat by each other a couple of days a week and got along well and bonded over mutual hobbies.

I knew he had a young child and a partner; over time he started to bemoan some stuff about his relationship and he also listened to me complaining about dates etc.

In the summer, he told me he had separated from his partner but they remained living together. We met at a hotel and slept together. This has happened a few more times; he told me he didn’t care about the age gap and that once he’d sorted a new place to live he could see himself pursuing a relationship with me.

Earlier this week, he told me he’d decided to get back with his partner and he couldn’t see me any more. I told him he’d strung me along and that I felt really hurt. He turned nasty on messages and has blocked me now. He said things about it working for both of us and that I got to sleep with someone much younger who I’d never be with in ‘normal circumstances’ and that he had ‘fun with someone experienced’ so it was just a ‘summer fling’.

He is sitting elsewhere in the office now so I don’t have to see him, but I am stuck between feeling humiliated and that I have been so stupid to ever get involved with him. I also feel very sorry for his partner who is unaware.

I am not sure what I’m looking for by posting this, maybe some tough love. I know I’ve been an idiot.

Ahhh, well done @Cherrycoko !!!! 👏👏

You're the winner!! 🏆

Ah sorry you are feeling badly OP. Life is is full of regrets. It doesn’t sound like he was that much of a catch and likely he was cheating on his wife / girlfriend. You however did nothing wrong. Chalk it down to experience and move on x.

Op I think it’s best not to regret just live and learn from it. Hold your head high look at the negatives about him and concentrate on you. It sounds like you can do better than this.

This one nails it for me

That’s terrible advice as looks so needy.

it’s done, don’t pick the scab

Well think, what has he actually won? He likely cheated on his partner and tricked you into sex, that's on his conscience not yours. If he thinks he's achieved something because he slept with you through deceit, leave him to it.

To be a bit neutral op - it was very unkind of him to make the comment about you not getting to sleep with someone younger (as if you were 'lucky' ) BUT - you also were unkind saying he strung you along

I mean - what does that mean? He is entitled to say he no longer wants to see you/ he is entitled (as any woman would be) to change his mind.

The two of you were sleeping together and he ended it and got back together with the mother of his child - it's just one of those life circumstances.

I would accept to yourself you are an adult and the relationship just didn't turn out the way you wanted it.

No use crying over spilt milk. What's done is done

But, pay attention to how you feel, learn from it and protect yourself from getting into similar situation again

Earlier this week, he told me he’d decided to get back with his partner and he couldn’t see me any more. I told him he’d strung me along and that I felt really hurt.

I think this is a really key part of the op. If this man was lying he could have kept this going for longer, so it could be true, although I doubt it, but that makes it even worse for fhe op as it means he didn’t wish to have sex with her any more.

the bottom line is no one is entitled to a relationship. He was perfectly within his rights to stop this at any time and for any reason, saying you were hurt and he’d strung you along indicates you wanted a relationship with this man and that’s why you were going to hotel rooms with him, the response to him saying he wanted to try again with his partner should have been good luck I hope it works out, as there is a baby involved, he didn’t promise you a relationship

if you want a relationship don’t meet men in hotel rooms for sex, before you’ve even had one single date, that screams affair

ive a single make friend in his 50s who does on line dating and it shocks me how many women offer up sex immediately and feel it seals the deal on a relationship, and if they don’t get one after shagging him they have been strung along, like the sex is transactional, he’s very very clear, it’s early Days we need to get to know each other, it may work it may not, but still they offer sex immediately and then come over all hurt and angry if at any point he doesn’t wish to proceed further,

having sex is not a way to guarantee a relationship.

It's more useful in life to face our own responsibilities - as others have said, you let him slag off the mother of his child happily enough. You knew he had a young child with her - most people would be aware he might end up wanting to see if that could work.

Just take it on the chin - you knew what you were doing.

He may be feeling ashamed that he cheated/ walked away from his partner over a bit of office lust !

I agree with every word of this.
I do hope that you dont have any seniority over him at work.

Im failing to see how exactly he "strung you along" as you've described it.
He broke up, you mutually engaged in a fling (it doesnt even sound like a relationship as you've described it) then he broke it off when he got back with his partner.
You knew he had "baggage" (I.e a very recent ex and a young child) so this is an occupational hazard. It sounds like some naivety on your part and maybe getting too attached too quickly, but the guy doesnt seem like to have handled it badly tbh.
I'd be very careful engaging with him again, especially if there was some animosity shown by you in the wake to the break up, the last thing you want is this becoming a HR issue, especially with you being quite a bit older than him too.

As they say, its never a good idea to sh*t where you eat!!

He said things about it working for both of us and that I got to sleep with someone much younger who I’d never be with in ‘normal circumstances’

Lucky you op! Such a kind thing for him to do for you!

I doubt he was separated (believing that part was your only mistake) and he’s full of himself. Sounds like you have had a lucky escape.

That's conceited on his part, but at the same time OP knowingly hooked up with someone 25 years her junior. Which is a bit icky IMO.

Send his partner a card informing her to get checked out at the sex clinic as he has been sleeping around behind her back.

Terrible advice. That's an almost guaranteed way for her to lose her job.
If I were the guy, id be straight to HR with that stalker-ish behaviour.

Casual sex happens - people that engage in casual sex need to put on their big girl/boy pants and not turn into a psycho just because the other party exercises choice and no lonfer consents to sex.

15 years *

How did someone this naive get to 50? As they say, there's no fool like an old fool.

Put it down to experience and move on. Don't shit on your own doorstep next time.

Oh come on OP, you know he was never separated right?

I agree. Good grief, what is it with people encouraging baby reindeer behaviour for a few seedy shags in a hotel room?

The OP engaged in casual sex with a man she knew was living with his ex partner and had a young child.

Why some people in this thread are acting as if the OP was a naive 16 year old who was promised and somehow owed marriage by this twat after a few hotel room shags is beyond me.

100% this. You can't be that naive and deluded @Helenn26 surely??? You must have known deep down that there was a chance he was still with his partner!

As has been said, he never spilt with his wife/partner and has been with her all along. Just be grateful that you're not married to such a lying cheating POS.

Let it go.
It is a shame he didnt find a shag further than the offixe but oh well enjoy it for what it was.

I think some people when they desperately want a relationship ignore all red flags, as said up thread, thinking sex is transactional and will result in a relationship is not uncommon, and often we beleive what we wish to beleive,

even in his own words this man never said we are in a relationship, I mean he didn’t need to wait till he had his own place, doesn’t appear to have even asked the op out on a date, they simply agreed to meet in a hotel room for sex, and I’m going to guess it wasn’t even over nighters,

Sounds like it was fun for both of you while it lasted. He was still living with his partner which should have been a red flag. It didn't work out and was probably doomed from the start as anything more than friends with benefits. Move on head high.

This. ^