Regretting brief relationship with younger colleague and feel so stupid

[Helenn26]

I haven’t spoken to anyone IRL about this as I feel so stupid.

I am nearly 50 and have been single for a few years bar a couple of short lived relationships.

A couple of years ago I became friendly with a man at work - we are in separate departments (huge company) but the hot desking arrangements meant we sat by each other a couple of days a week and got along well and bonded over mutual hobbies.

I knew he had a young child and a partner; over time he started to bemoan some stuff about his relationship and he also listened to me complaining about dates etc.

In the summer, he told me he had separated from his partner but they remained living together. We met at a hotel and slept together. This has happened a few more times; he told me he didn’t care about the age gap and that once he’d sorted a new place to live he could see himself pursuing a relationship with me.

Earlier this week, he told me he’d decided to get back with his partner and he couldn’t see me any more. I told him he’d strung me along and that I felt really hurt. He turned nasty on messages and has blocked me now. He said things about it working for both of us and that I got to sleep with someone much younger who I’d never be with in ‘normal circumstances’ and that he had ‘fun with someone experienced’ so it was just a ‘summer fling’.

He is sitting elsewhere in the office now so I don’t have to see him, but I am stuck between feeling humiliated and that I have been so stupid to ever get involved with him. I also feel very sorry for his partner who is unaware.

I am not sure what I’m looking for by posting this, maybe some tough love. I know I’ve been an idiot.

I’ve no way of contacting him now which is for the best I think as after a couple of glasses tonight I would struggle to resist that suggestion!

men like this get nasty when they feel ashamed and guilty about their behaviour. he will have done this before. . he is probably eyeing up the next woman already. none of his terrible behaviour says anything about your value. as time moves on op you’ll learn lots from this as you already have, and stay out the self flagellating rabbit holes, his behaviour, his character.

I’d mark him down for the nasty little prick he is.

He definitely strung her along. Not sure if you read the whole post but going from telling someone you can see yourself having a relationship with them to telling them it was just a summer fling, is the definition of admitting you were using that person.

Men have been doing this to women since the beginning of time. Surprised you're standing up for the bloke on this obvious one.

He isn't wrong though - they did both get something out of it.

OP: I know women haven't historically been conditioned to see it like this but I hope you try. You got your sexual needs met for a while. And it sounds like you really enjoyed it so.. just focus on that! Be selfish and be grateful you got some good sex in and that you didn't get stuck with a nasty twat!

He just wanted an older woman experience. There are tons of guys like that out there. The reality is a man 15 years younger than you was never going to want a relationship with you and not should he. Sorry it didn't work out but at least you got to have sex with a hot young guy!!

If it means anything I had a similar situation with a colleague 12 years younger but I didn't pursue it because I was married and he was too young. He got the shits with me and started acting pretty aggressive so I was glad I dodged that bullet. Sounds like you dodged one too.

I’m afraid I agree with this.

Dust yourself down and improve your boundaries going forward.

34 doesnt feel a huge age gap if you’re nearly 50.

The comment about he did you a favour for an experience to be with a younger man and not have that opportunity in real life with someone like him OMG. What a charmer, why turn like this from a seemingly pleasant character. All I can think is he wanted you to go quickly and not look back. Possibly he doesn’t want you trying to hope for a reconciliation now he is back with his ex (or did he leave in the first place)?

I would purely try to remove emotion and treat it yourself as a fling. Ignore him, hold your hear high and possibly walk around with a small irksome smile.

Why did you say he'd 'strung you along'? He just changed his mind. Why on earth would you want to date a younger man with a child at the age of fifty?

I’m curious how young he is if he referred to you as experienced. That’s something a teenager would say because surely by your early 20s most people have had plenty of experience.

Anyway, easier said than done but I’d just remove him from my thoughts. He’s not important.

He's a nasty prick and you're well out of it. Pity his poor wife. Simply ignore him, if you have any work interaction be icily professionally polite and do not respond in any way to any remark outside of work matters.

However, in case of any later fallout, or more unpleasantness on his part, keep any nasty messages he has sent (in a secure folder) just in case you need to go to HR at any point.

Personally I'd go and get a bit of a glow-up to make me feel better, but you do whatever will cheer you up. BTW, 50s is nothing, I have friends in their 70s still having great social and sex lives ❤️

Stamina.

he told me he didn’t care about the age gap and that once he’d sorted a new place to live he could see himself pursuing a relationship with me

Did you really believe/want this?

I had a fling with a much younger man a few years ago. He was 20 years younger than me. I was mid 40s.

There was absolutely not a cat in Hell's chance I'd have wanted a relationship with him but it was a great summer and had some fun!

As a pp said, you went into this knowing he was married and accepting they had separated but were still living together. It wasnt ideal circumstances for a relationship to develop was it? Even if it were true, it was highly likely they'd get back together.

I'd reframe it as a bit of fun if that stops you feeling stupid.

Id be inclined to tell him in the passing that the break up suits you as he wasn’t that great in bed - let him feel the humiliation

God, don't do this! He wouldn't feel humiliated and you'd have really shown your hand in terms of how upset you are!

Just leave it as a lesson learnt - don’t shit where you eat (leave colleagues alone).

He’s being so nasty because he’s worried you’ll tell people/his gf will find out.

It is likely that he and his gf never separated or they’re the type that regularly separate and get back together (so be careful the next time he starts bringing nice to you).

Did you genuinely think this was going to be a long term relationship?

I would just see it for what it was - you had fun with someone who realistically you’d never want a relationship with (age gap, young child and colleague) and so you didn’t lose out on anything and you shouldn’t regret having fun.

Please don’t feel embarrassed. You’re both adults and you had sex, it’s fine.

FWIW many men are like this - just looking for someone until they get back with their ex and so if you start dating, have this in the back of your mind 💐

There are some very conniving men out there using sex for power and ego. Sorry you met one. When things like that happened to me I used it to add to a list of what I did like and what I didn’t like moving forward. Consign the bad parts of it to your red flags index. If there was something nice about him, add it to the other box. Dismantle him for parts to go in your clues for the path forward, dust yourself off, and let’s go.

We’re all human and sometimes seek affection. Unfortunately this time you found a poisoned chalice. He’s a prick. Lesson learnt.
Don’t give him the power of your regrets and don’t let the judgemental folks on here get to you either, they’re fallible humans too).
Keep you distance from him and move on. You are worth more than holding him in mind.

I don’t think he strung you along and I don’t think you’re stupid. He decided to get back with his partner and he clearly felt that was the better path for him than pursuing anything further with you. I think he got nasty because you didn’t take his decision well, but that was rooted in you beating yourself up for getting involved with him in the first place. You did nothing wrong, OP, and in the end you just wanted different things. Chin up 💖

Honestly what a dick. Please don’t feel humiliated as you were single. Yes you maybe heard what you wanted to hear but he’s an immature twat. Chalk it up to experience and move on. I hope at least the sex was half decent?

Hindsight is wonderful, because yes, you probably should have realised the likelihood of him telling the truth, that he'd split with his partner, was small.

He knew you were attracted to him, and he was certainly attracted enough to you, to have sex with you.

Even if he did temporarily split with his partner, he saw those times he met up with you, as nothing more than sex. You clearly viewed them differently.

You haven't done anything wrong as such, you took him at his word. Don't beat yourself up over it. Next time, make sure the man is single and not still living with his supposed ex!! Keep away from any man who claims he's still living in the family home with an ex partner/wife, but they're separated.

That explains the sex, not the wanting a serious relationship. You'd think the OP would have more sense at her big age. I'm 43 and I wouldn't go near anyone who had a kid.

Take it for what it was , a summer fling . I hope you didn’t show the prat you were upset . Just channel being the glamorous unattached cougar not a vulnerable needy older woman .

He will at some point unblock you and ask to see you again.

I could have spotted his nature a mile off as if he'd ever split with his partner. That old trick in the book gets everyone everytime. Pity the fool yet doth makes me wonder doest wilist thou will

either you’ve been extremely naive and silly or you chose to believe his lies because it helped justify your actions and poor decisions

You should try and see it as a brief fling. He was a prick and living with someone, you were single. You have nothing to feel bad about. He feels bad and his defensiveness (nastiness) shows in how he spoke to you belittling the time you had together. Chalk this up.

I feel sorry for his girlfriend who has years of his cheating to come.