Regretting brief relationship with younger colleague and feel so stupid

[Helenn26]

I haven’t spoken to anyone IRL about this as I feel so stupid.

I am nearly 50 and have been single for a few years bar a couple of short lived relationships.

A couple of years ago I became friendly with a man at work - we are in separate departments (huge company) but the hot desking arrangements meant we sat by each other a couple of days a week and got along well and bonded over mutual hobbies.

I knew he had a young child and a partner; over time he started to bemoan some stuff about his relationship and he also listened to me complaining about dates etc.

In the summer, he told me he had separated from his partner but they remained living together. We met at a hotel and slept together. This has happened a few more times; he told me he didn’t care about the age gap and that once he’d sorted a new place to live he could see himself pursuing a relationship with me.

Earlier this week, he told me he’d decided to get back with his partner and he couldn’t see me any more. I told him he’d strung me along and that I felt really hurt. He turned nasty on messages and has blocked me now. He said things about it working for both of us and that I got to sleep with someone much younger who I’d never be with in ‘normal circumstances’ and that he had ‘fun with someone experienced’ so it was just a ‘summer fling’.

He is sitting elsewhere in the office now so I don’t have to see him, but I am stuck between feeling humiliated and that I have been so stupid to ever get involved with him. I also feel very sorry for his partner who is unaware.

I am not sure what I’m looking for by posting this, maybe some tough love. I know I’ve been an idiot.

He was the one with poor decisions. OP was single. He had a live in ex (or so he said).

I dont see why you say he was stringing you along when you knew he was still living with his supposed ex? did you not wonder about that?

People are allowed to change their minds and just because you had sex a few times doesnt mean he now has to promise to stay with you for the rest of your life. People are allowed to end relationships for any reason they want.

Sorry OP but you come across as incredibly naive and quite desperate.

You were clearly having an emotional affair that crossed boundaries, and would have been hurtful to his partner and young child. He then claimed (truthfully or not) that he had split and rather than verify or tread carefully you jumped into hotel meet-ups. You’re now sad and he’s behaving like a prick (which is entirely predictable from a man who was whining about his partner to you).

I don’t believe you’re entirely manipulated and innocent. You had personal agency and made some questionable decisions and are now hurting because of them. Red flags were waving with this but you chose to ignore them. That’s on you. Lick your wounds and learn from this. You’ll be fine, it was just a short time, and know you deserve better.

Bit harsh. She just took him at his word. There are plenty of separated couples still living together these days with finances being harder than ever.

OP he sounds nasty. You've dodged a bullet.

Just put it behind you and try to turn it into a positive experience, you did get a ride out of it, and because you were distracted, it might have saved you from a worse creep that you got stuck with.

You had no future with him anyway? You know this. He was barely getting out if a marriage. You deserve better than that mess.

Work on yourself and don’t settle for anything less than what you want from now on.

He was a compromise in every way. You had your fun just forget what he said and put your own positive spin on it.

He’s the one who chose to lie and cheat. The OP hasn’t actually don’t anything wrong here.

I’d be looking to tell his partner what a lying scum bag he is.

I guess it wasn’t really a romance was it? It was sex in a hotel room, not a romance.
what did you actually want from it longer term? Probably not to spend the rest of your lives together.
the stuff about his partner is a red herring. You both decided to have a fling in a hotel room, it was never going anywhere. He’s called time on it for whatever reason, you feel humiliated, you shouldn’t be. You did nothing wrong, but I think you should just own the fact that yes you did sleep with a colleague a few times, it wasn’t a great romance story and now you’ve gone your separate ways.
never sleep with colleagues is the rule here as you then have to see them every day when it doesn’t work out.

I don’t think this is helpful.

Are we supposed to do loads of digging around when a man says he’s single or do we take his word for it until we know otherwise.

How was OP to know he was not single without messaging the ex or asking friends etc which would be a very weird thing to do.

He could have easily separated from his gf and then got back with her. Some men just want a temporary replacement.
He’ll probably want to start things up again the next time too.

He said he was single, so 2 consenting adults had sex.
If he wasn’t single then that’s on him for cheating.
OP has nothing to feel guilty about.

I'm pretty repulsed by him saying you "got to sleep with someone much younger who I’d never be with in ‘normal circumstances'", and I hope you are too, OP. He seems like a nasty user and I agree with those who've said his poor partner is the one with the worst of this- at least you can move on.

I don't agree at all that you were foolish to believe he'd really want a relationship with you just because of the age gap; what a nasty thing to say (that nobody would think if the ages were reversed).

It's the "separated but still living together" line that's the issue- you were too ready to believe this, but you wouldn't be the first.

Head high- you've moved on and you're wiser now.

It's a lesson learned. No need to be embarrassed, we've all done things we regret. Just ignore the idiot and get on with enjoying your life. It's always the best revenge!

Please tell his girlfriend.

if he’s sleeping with you he’s probably sleeping with other women too and his girlfriend needs to know so she can escape (or at least get a sex health check).

He sounds like an arsehole, and I say that based on the post-breakup negging, whether or not he was truly single and THOUGHT he was ready to move on when he told you he was interested in a relationship with you. My advice now would be to avoid him and be glad you dodged a bullet, but also use your discomfort now to think a bit about what you want from a potential relationship (obviously not with him!) and make sure you're reading any red flags next time before you proceed with anything that is likely to make you uncomfortable with your choices.

There's no one-size-fits-all, but personally I'd avoid:

(1) a relationship with even a non-direct coworker (you still have to see him, fallout/gossip could hurt you professionally, and you never know who's going to be your boss in the future - or vice versa)

(2) anyone newly out of a serious relationship, unless perhaps you are sure you only want sex and will not be bothered if that's all it is

(3) red flags like someone still living with their ex.

Edit as necessary based on your values and needs. If you're not yet ready mentally to let this go then do take stock constructively, don't just dwell on the bad feelings!

I remember before I met DH I met a guy on a dating app and he said he was separated from his wife but living with her because of the young children and they hadn’t sorted out splitting the property yet. I literally said I am not getting involved and never spoke to him again. TBH, you need to take responsibility for your own actions here, he may or may not have properly split from his wife whilst living together, the fact that you still went ahead and slept with him knowing this is on you. With young kids there was always a good chance that even if they were split, they might try and reconcile after some time. As a grown adult you should have realised that and backed off. And you should have also considered the fact he might not have split from his wife properly or at all. A simple, no, I will not meet you outside of work while you are dealing with a messy break up and living with your wife would have done the trick. I think you need to take responsibility for your own part in this. Personally I would have not gone near him with a barge pole and stopped conversations about his relationship issues dead in their tracks way before that.

I canr beleive someone wrote it wasn’t ideal he had a partner and a baby! Like it’s an inconvenience

you met a man in his early 30s, a colleague, for a shag in a hotel room, there was no way he wanted a relationship. He just thought you were up for it and told you what you wished to hear,

I also think you need to own it, yes he lied, but you leapt at the chance and sat and listened to him running down his relationship and moaned about dates, you were attracted to him and wanted to get with him, irrelevant of his relationship.

move on, try to maintain some dignity, and if you wish a relationship try on line dating, or keep at it, meeting young men in their early 30s in hotel rooms for sex won’t get you that,

Really, at your age you should know that men who are “in a terrible relationship” or “separated but living together” are usually liars and the poor wife just doesn’t know anything about it.

He played you and you were happy to overlook the obvious signs because of the attraction you felt. Now it’s a lesson learned.

This, if he’d asked you out on a date, went to dinner together etc, it would put a different lens on it, but this was just seedy sex in a hotel room,

Don’t give him another thought OP. Lesson learned. Just hoping you didn’t pay the majority of hotel etc costs on top!

Agree with this. I get that you're disappointed, but he never promised you a lifelong relationship. You got into a situationship with someone and it's ended. He doesn't owe you anything.

Setting aside whether he'd actually left his partner etc as we don't know, you bagged a man 20 yrs younger, you were mutually attracted, and had hopefully good sex. Can't you take the win?

I don't think you should feel bad really, and if he did separate from his partner then he also didn't do anything wrong. He's entitled to get back with her, you're entitled to feel sad it didn't work out how you wanted. It's just one of those things, it hasn't progressed as you wish unfortunately but most relationships don't when you think about it.
The best win is to not let it bother you, be polite and professional if you see him and generally rise above it. Even if he was lying, there's nothing you can do now so keep your head held high!

Not the huge age gap l assumed OP. At 34 this comes across not as the stupidity and selfishness of youth but more as a well rehearsed routine that he knows works. You’re probably not the first to fall for it and likely you won’t be the last.

The part about the age gap working for both of you and passing it off as a summer fling when he’d hinted at a serious relationship, sounds like part of the same MO - the brush off tactic once he’s had his fun. I’m sorry you got hurt OP. He’s an arsehole - block and move on, and make sure you polish up your spidey senses for the next man.x

He’s a shit. He lied and used you, and I don’t think he’d split from his partner either. Mark it down to experience and move on. I’ve no doubt he’s moved onto the next victim.

He is sitting elsewhere in the office now so I don’t have to see him, but I am stuck between feeling humiliated and that I have been so stupid to ever get involved with him. I also feel very sorry for his partner who is unaware.
I am not sure what I’m looking for by posting this, maybe some tough love. I know I’ve been an idiot.

You don't need tough love, you took him at face value

as for being humiliated, don't be. You can walk away from this with your head held high, you didn't lie, you didn't cheat on anyone and you most certainly acted with the knowledge you had. He sounds like a manipulator who is out to get what he wants for himself and convinced himself you were getting something out of it to ease the little conscience he has.

Thank goodness he choose to move on to a former partner and has left you freedom

Also remember he has given you insight on how a partner shouldn't be, take that and if you see the same qualities in another - steer wide and clear.

We can learn form our past, take the opportunity to do so and live your best life

What is the hobby you bonded over?
Any chance for the rest of us?

He wasn't who you thought he was & definitely not who you wanted him to be.

From the outside there are red flags galore (living with his ex, hotel rooms rather than dating) but when you're excited & maybe a bit vulnerable to the charm we can convince ourselves of anything.

Learn the lessons & move on. I don't think you need to feel humiliated, but you do need to forgive yourself for being naive and draw a line under it.

Yes, he was the one with a live in 'ex' partner but the OP still made a decision to be with him.

Women are still responsible for the decisions we make otherwise we are giving up all of our agency and placing the responsibility for all of our decisions into the hands of men and claiming no accountability for ourselves.

And given that the general consensus is that men can't be trusted, that would seem to be a rather odd thing to do.

Be happy with the decisions you are making for yourself and then there is less likelihood of feeling stupid or humiliated if it goes wrong. If, on the other hand, you close your eyes, cross your fingers, hold your breath and hope for the best having nothing more to back up your decisions than the promises of a man who is already admitting to a rather dubious situation, then you have to be prepared for things not necessarily being as you'd hoped.