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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you think all wives should have a secret exit fund?

86 replies

scanner · 30/06/2008 21:51

You know those threads where something goes horribly wrong in a marriage and everyone suggests that the woman begins secretly putting money aside - just in case? Well, do you think we should all be doing that? Are those of us who are fortunate enough to have happy marriages being naive if we think that disaster will never hit our relationships? Or would the existence of an exit fund be a sign that the marriage isn't working?

Just interested, no problems at home. I find the threads where the h starts misbehaving after years of happy marriage so upsetting and worrying, that I just wonder if we should all be prepared.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 30/06/2008 21:54

I don't have one and have no intention of having one. I don't want to live with that feeling of mistrust, which basically is what having such a fund would indicate to me.

PeachyHidingInTheShed · 30/06/2008 21:54

perhps all wives should have a cruise for the silver wedding fund that they could just use in the impossible event that they'd ever need too, theoretically of course because it couldn't.... could it?

at least there's a positive spin on it then?

StarlightMcKenzie · 30/06/2008 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ssd · 30/06/2008 21:57

if you feel like you need one you've married the wrong guy

ravenAK · 30/06/2008 21:57

As I'm the main breadwinner, maybe dh should have a secret exit fund!

Actually we aspire to have an annual ISA each, which would probably serve the purpose if we weren't spenders not savers who consequently never get round to it...

Probably all adults should have a 'shit's just hit the fan' pot of money tbh.

Slubberdegullion · 30/06/2008 21:58

No. I would be devastated if I found out DH had a running away from me fund.

Smamfa · 30/06/2008 21:59

DH's grandmother left her home in the middle east with a small suitcase and her jewelry sewn into her coat lining. That was due to a mad dictator, not a bad marriage, but you never know what the future will bring. With any luck I'll get to spend my nest egg on something for both of us. Off to stick another fiver in the mattress...

micci25 · 30/06/2008 22:00

as soon as i start working again my mum is getting my 'emergency money' back! which was £1500 or a months rent in advance with deposit and a bit extra just incase! i had to spend it last time on loads of different stuff when i stopped working!!

LadyMuck · 30/06/2008 22:01

No fund, but I am on top of all family finances. If something untoward did happen I think that I could get myself sorted out fairly quickly. But we are probably fortunate that we are in a net liquid asset position.

But agree with Hula that the idea of a specific "fund" does seem a bit mistrustful.

youcannotbeserious · 30/06/2008 22:03

I think Slubberdegullion sums it up perfectly:

I would be gutted to find DH had an exit fund and I would hate to feel the need to have one.

But, I have a wonderful DH who I know would take care of me even if something terrible happened.

Monty100 · 30/06/2008 22:05

I did. I did kid myself I was saving for a new kitchen, although I kinda knew things were going pear shaped. the fund paid for my legal costs in the end.

Lubyloo · 30/06/2008 22:06

I have "running away money" It's not specifically for that purpose but DH is terrible with money and I feel more secure knowing that we have got some in reserve in case we need it!

girlnextdoor · 30/06/2008 22:07

Yes, if possible. I put some of my earnings into a joint account and some into my own accounts/savings. Reason for this is that my earnings are about 1/5th of DHs as I gave up career for kids and work part time- if i went back to my profession I would not earn anything like what DH can. I know that if we split it would have to go into the pot anyway to be split 50/50 but it gives me a feeling of independence.

Quattrocento · 30/06/2008 22:08

No I don't

But I do believe that all wives should have a means of supporting themselves and be aware of what is going on.

Awareness being emotional and financial. One poor lady on here today was actually paid an allowance by her husband and closed her eyes to all financial matters. He was racking up lots of debt. How wierd is that?

stitch · 30/06/2008 22:08

i think a secret exit fund is wrong.
but
i think a stash of money, slowly squirreled away is a smart smart move. it doesnt have to be for exiting the relationship. just somethijng in case of a rainy day. job losses, major illnesses etc etc. that sort of thing.
in a lot of eastern cultures, a woman is given jewellry as wedding presents, adn this jewellry is recognised as her exit fund, so to speak. and in muslim marriages, the mehr, a sum of money is decided during the marriage contract that the husband has to give to the wife in case of divorce. again, an exit fund.

so, i suppose my opiion is that all relationships should have a financial balance. not an exit fund

whomovedmychocolate · 30/06/2008 22:12

I have a joint account and joint access to all assets. Besides, in divorce, generally you are entitled to half of everything anyway, so why would you bother. Unless you have a controlling uberfreaky DH who won't let you have equal rights in which case, money is probably the least of your worries.

I was the main earner with my ex-DH and gave him quite a bit of money when I went to set him up again - to my mind that's just behaving ethically.

noddyholder · 30/06/2008 22:12

Original poster

scanner · 30/06/2008 22:17

I agree with most of you that a secret fund seems wrong and I would also be most upset if I found out dh had one. I believe strongly that my if anything went wrong in our relationship that my dh would continue to support me and the dc's. Sometimes I read those relationship threads and think that I'm being too trusting.

OP posts:

Bink · 30/06/2008 22:18

Funnily enough, my dh gave me a stash (not a huge one, just a notional stash) as a present once, specifically as - he used the very term - running away money.

On, I think, the principle that then I wouldn't want to. I do ponder the feminist implications though.

lou031205 · 30/06/2008 22:19

Sad, sad state of affairs if every woman thought that they needed an exit fund. My DH is pretty amazing though, so can see why I think that.

onebatmother · 30/06/2008 22:20

'secret exit fund' is wrong, I think.. but 'my own savings 'is right, perhaps, for both partners? (irrelevant to me due to penury)
at some point in the future (in the unlikely event that you are still together ) we could pool it for a caravan/loft conversion/Hedonism II holiday

I think independence is good for everyone, though its a luxury I'm aspiring to.

MeMySonAndI · 30/06/2008 22:23

"I kinda think that remaining independent whilst in a relationship makes for a healthy relationship anyway! "

I can not agree more with that, beside, the problem here is calling it "exit fund", I think every woman/men should aim to have enough savings to survive on her/his own for a few months. It is not about leaving the/being left by the husband, but there are many other eventualities that may happen: what about somebody dieing? a job loss? bad damage to the family house? or a serious health problem for which you would like to get a speedier private medical attention?

Every person should have that fund, not having one is irresponsible.

(here says someone who managed to get in shock when husband said he wanted out depite of her asking him for ages for a divorce. I had the fund, not an exit fund, but it tidied the two of us during the difficult early months).

unknownrebelbang · 30/06/2008 22:23

No, but do agree that both partners having some savings (finances allowing) is no bad thing for all sorts of reasons.

onebatmother · 30/06/2008 22:28

in the unlikely event that WE are still together

I am not in a relationship with you.

Jux · 30/06/2008 22:30

No I don't. DH's best friend's wife recommended that I keep a 'running away' fund; I told dh and he was furious! She divorced her hubby fairly soon after, so was motivated by that really. DH and I have been through some v v bad times, and if I had had a running away fund I might have done so, but I hadn't, so stuck it out, got to relate and eventually we got it (more or less!) sorted. May not have done that if I'd had the money to go.

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