Do you think all wives should have a secret exit fund?

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You know those threads where something goes horribly wrong in a marriage and everyone suggests that the woman begins secretly putting money aside - just in case? Well, do you think we should all be doing that? Are those of us who are fortunate enough to have happy marriages being naive if we think that disaster will never hit our relationships? Or would the existence of an exit fund be a sign that the marriage isn't working?

Just interested, no problems at home. I find the threads where the h starts misbehaving after years of happy marriage so upsetting and worrying, that I just wonder if we should all be prepared.

I'm the main breadwinner so...not an exit fund, no. If I had the spare cash to have any sort of fund, exit or otherwise, I'd be very happy!

I'm the breadwinner so I have access to cash - although there wouldn't be enough of it to go round if we had two households!

I don't know if DH has a secret stash - that's up to him though.

Stitch- No way is the mahr in case of divorce, it's a wedding gift, that which makes the marriage contract legal. A bit like the wedding ring in christian weddings I think (kind of with this ring I thee wed...I dont know the reason behind the wedding ring so I may be very wrong on that one), but I do know about the mahr, although it is true that women these days ask for an amount which would ensure they are not left penniless and on the streets in the event of an acrimonious divorce.

With regards the OP, I think it's always a good idea to keep an eye on household finances, and ensure that one has the means and the ability to financially take care of oneself in the event of any contingencies, doesn't neccessarily mean one is considering running away, but in the event of illenss of the main breadwinner for example....

Yes. definitely, and if possible it should be enough for deposit, months rent on a modest flat, and a month's living expenses.

I had a wonderful life partner who I knew would take care of me no matter what happened. And then - he didn't.

That's the thing about people, none of them are predictable.

Funny that you mention that Jux... that's what my mother thought, before closing the door on my nose, when I said I was thinking of a divorce: that if I didn't have any support we would work to save the marriage. Sad that people see that the only reason to stay when things could be bad are the economical side of things. There's so much life out there (disclaimer: We had periodical rounds of relate during the last 6 years of the marriage so opting our was not the easy option)

I think I caused a revolution at DS private school when I announced to my friends at the school gates that ex husbands are only requested to pay 15% of their salary after taxes as mainteinace for a child. Everyone is now either looking for a job or submitting applications to go back to university. I don't think they doubt their marriages but they have realised how vulnerable they would be if their lovely husbands were not to remain so.

I agree with many of the posters here that the name of the stash is not appropriate; but I do think that women should have their own, separate funds from their DP/DH. Apart from anything else, I wouldn't want to have all my money tied up in joint accounts - DH woudl then know how much I spend on his presents, on my clothes/shoes etc - things he really doesn't need to know!

I have always maintained my own bank accounts and savings, but also have a joint account, into which both DH and I pay (or rather, I paid until I stopped work for maternity). He has his own bank and savings account as well. Neither of us has any hang ups about keeping these separate accounts, in fact we both agreed (yes, really) that it was the best way forward. This doesn't for one minute make me think that either he or I am likely to do a runner; nor does it indicate a lack of trust - it just means we manage our own finances to some extent so that we have independence to spend some money on what we like without having to justify it to the other.

fuzzy, that is what it is meant to be. but in most societies it is not treated the way you describe, but the way i have described. i know that the way you have described is correct. but its not the way it happens unfortuanately.

I think a 'running away fund' is an unhealthy idea. However, I do believe it's good for both adults in a relationship to retain a healthy independence, and that includes financial independence where possible.

The thing is, everyone thinks it's an unhealthy idea until they find themselves with a black eye, a cleared out joint account and a husband who thinks you're poisoning his food and won't go the the CPN any more.

It can happen. Not to say it will, but it can.

umm... yes. i think every married woman should have an exit fund. i have two; one my parents know of and one my sister knows of depending on how severe the emergency exit is.

i think that trust is the absolute foundation to a marriage - i truly do.

i also think that we each must appreiate that our experiences are not the same.

however i shall be advising my daughter to just have a little something always there - tucked away.

i think this is sensible.

of course there are women in great financial situatins who do not need this kind of advice.

there are also women who trust their husbands so - hey have no idea of their financial sitation.

i reckon this is like planning your fire exits in your home

of course you are trustingthat a fire will never happen - god forbid

but if it does - you have your escape.

i was always taught by my great gran from a very young age and then my mum afterwards that you should never ever be totally reliant on a man! you should always have enough for a way out should you need one!

though in my grans case i think it was more likley to be her hubby who needed the emergency fund...her piece of great advice was to go through his pockets after a night out and take his change (he wont remember how much he had anyway) and the best day of her life was when my greatgrandad came home to find he didnt live there anymore! she had moved (to a house he had said she wasnt allowed as it was too expensive) while he was at work!!

my emergency fund was never called an exit fund though the fact that it is at least enough to get a new rented house says it all really!

no but i do think you should know where you stand financially as a couple. ie savings pensions.

I think this suggestion is usually M's when they have somethng bad happen t them and realise they have no access to their own money. It's sensible IMO.

grrr I hate this laptop, I meant to SAHM's.

I have had a running away fund since we got married but it isn't secret, DH knows about it - he has his Porsche fund!

It was a bit of a joke really but the reality is that I have a pot of money that only I can access in an emergency of any type, whether it be the end of our marriage, an accident/illness that cuts out household income or some other disaster.

It isn't a trust issue because we both know about it. It is also topped up by joint savings that are in my name to use up tax allowances. DH can have that bit any time he likes, but some is mine alone.

I don't really consider it as a running away fund, more a freedom fund to allow me to do things that we couldn't otherwise afford - something like paying for a course, or even going on a holiday. Mind you, I have never touched it.

Yes, every adult should have some financial independence. Allowing your partner to control all the joint finances is bad for you psychologically: it starts you down the path to believing that you are either a dependent on the partner-with-money-control or that person's property. Love is irrelevant.

I think a "secret exit fund" specifically could very likely be counter-productive in a healthy relationship, however having said that, I think everyone should try to have their own savings account for "rainy day / emergencies"... both women & men!

We have a joint account for all household & family stuff.
We also both have our own current & savings accounts (all with the same bank and all offseting the mortgage!). Salaries go into our own accounts & a monthly budget S.O. then goes over to the joint account.

Independent savings a v good idea. Not necessarily for an exit, but you might need money you can get to in a hurry.

No, but i know exactly where all our money is and have my own bank account into which my salary is paid. I could not stand having a joint bank account for everything

SO goes into a joint account for house stuff and a bit more into savings, the rest is mine!

I do not understand why in so many relationships one partner is clueless about what money they have./ pay out etc. No one knows what is around the corner and it is important to know your way ariund your own financial affairs.

I know of someone who was left in a complete mess financially when her DH died because he had always dealt with all the money

Marriages should not have secrets.
Especially not secrets born out of mistrust.
So I would say no, all wives should not have a secret exit fund.
If I found DH had secretly been building such a fund I am not sure my trust in our relationship would ever recover.

Just to add "a secret exist fund" is a very differnt kettle of fish to an individual bank account that has always existed and it openly acknowledged. The latter is just common sense.

My partner is quite dreadful with money. I have some independent savings. They're what I pay into as well as a pension, to have some money I can draw on if I need to.

But then I never understand the idea that True Love involves pooling all yer cash anyway. And have taken many a brickbat on MN for this belief and the Lack of Trust and Relationship Ishoos that are apparently clearly obvious.