Am I overthinking staying over after my friend's comments about him?

[Clubsoda1]

I’ve met a guy through some friends and I really like him and the chemistry is amazing. Really funny, engaging (although a bit weird), and really good looking too.
My friend has known him for a few years which I think is a good sign. Him and I have been messaging a bit and when I told our mutual friends she was all excited but she said a few weird things but because she was a bit tipsy I don’t know if she was joking (basically alluding that he is a nice but horny bloke I think).

He did invite some of us over to his new place and also offered me to stay over as I live quite far away so it would be difficult to get back home. He’s not given me any reason to be suspicious and even said that I can have my own room but I’m a bit hesitant now following my friend’s comments. I think I’ll ask her about those tomorrow but I’m a bit annoyed with myself to be questioning things just because of some comments.

As I said he seems really nice but I don’t want to be stuck with someone who will expect me to have sex even if I’ve said that I won’t be doing anything and just sleep over. I’m not even ruling out that I want to do something but I wanted to lay the foundation that I won’t so there won’t be any expectation.

Yes I know that I’m probably making this 10 times more complicated than it needs to be but that’s unfortunately how my brain works and I have a habit of self sabotaging.

The considerate gentleman had invited her to his house party and suggested she'd stay over before they even had a date, yes. And that leaves out that her friend had warned her about him beforehand. What could be more convenient than a woman getting drunk in your house and staying over?

You can stop this now. I really like him and where we are and where we are going but I am not ignoring the odd (maybe uncomfortable) things either. It’s like a rollercoaster at the moment and I don’t need being shamed for anything. It doesn’t mean that I’m an idiot.

And this Op even says he’s “weird”!

It would appear so!

No one thinks you’re an idiot

vulnerable? Possibly
naive? Possibly
very keen? Possibly

Maybe.
I feel a bit awkward and wondering if im self sabotaging by overthinking because I now keep looking for red flags where there probably aren’t any. I will give it time and also not talk to my friend about him for a while I think unless she asks about it.

Don’t stay over unless you want to sleep with him, otherwise you are just creating an awkward situation for yourself. Or worse.

Can't you find a guy your age?

You had a date on Friday and stayed over at his alone @Clubsoda1 ? How did it go?

Or at least not a “weird” one

It went really well and i think I’m head over heels, but trying to keep a cool head. I’ve been feeling down since I went home so I think I need to get a grip of myself. It’s embarrassing to admit.

No, don’t stay over.

The sabotage is that worm in your mind saying that if you don’t stay over you’ll have missed your chance ( eg a sort of assumed blackmail).

If he actually likes you enough, and you him more importantly, a bit more time will lead to a better outcome.

Yes that’s a bit much after one date (and pre arranging to sleep over before you’d even had your first date was probably not the most sensible way to start a relationship).

Sorry for my post. It had missed all you said OP. I hope it all goes well anyway.

You are probably right. We had 2 dates before I slept at his but that probably doesn’t make much of a difference.
Thank you for your nice words

No you didn’t? You went to an event with him and your friend and her husband and then all of you crashed at his.

And then Friday night was the first date

No, we went to the event after the party at his house, so I had spent the day with him on my own that day. And then dinner Friday evening. I probably wasn’t very clear when posting sorry.

What have you done for these two dates

presumably slept with him if pre arranged a sleepover before the second date?

anything scheduled to see again?

This will sound silly but we went to a wildlife park because we both love animals, and the second date was dinner and cinema but we skipped the latter because I didn’t want to see the film. I loved the park as a first date.

Yes, I did. It was a bit much but I don’t regret it. And yes we have something planned for next weekend so fingers crossed.

Just maybe go on the next date without arranging a sleepover

it’s like you have gone straight to staying over. Have a bit of fun, a bit of romance. There’s no rush

Yes that makes sense and I wouldn’t mind it because it’s messed with my head and I need to take it slower.
And I’m so sore and need some time.
Thank you for not calling me an idiot

@Clubsoda1 Talk to your friend. This pace isn't normal and you shouldn't be in pain after sex. You need to slow down and set boundaries if you want this to work.
That's what friends are there for!

Totally agree with @Gringolet - slight tenderness if you’re having sex after a long period of abstinence is one thing but if you’re “so sore” after sex then something’s not right about what has happened. Too much or too long or you weren’t ready or position wasn’t right or something. You’re coming across as a bit vulnerable, OP, and lacking confidence around boundaries. Are you trying to talk yourself into something that suits him rather than you? You should go at your pace, not his. And if he won’t bear with you for that, then he’s wrong for you.

Op there is something very unsettling about this. SLOW down.
You sound very young and vulnerable. Please tell your friend.

I'm really confused as to what people think you're doing wrong @Clubsoda1

As long as you are always safe and don't put yourself in danger, you are seeing a new man tosuss out if he is right for you.

I wouldn't advocate being head over heels because that's simply limerance and oxytocin so it's not actual feelings

Being sore after sex is normal if you haven't had sex for a while

Hes a normal bloke who you're getting to know. If there are things you really donr like about him, then get rid

Otherwise keep seeing him to suss him out. No need for drama