Soreness and potential tears after sex or could it be herpes?

[Worriedone12]

Hello all, I know this is sort of a sex question and that we have a sex board. However I'm hoping for sensible answers as I'm really worried.

Basically last Saturday DP and I had sex. He had been drinking so it went on far longer than it should have and it hurt. Sorry for tmi but he was inserting fingers into me (vaginally and anal) and it was quite rough. The anal hurt quite a bit as there was no lubrication and he kept going. However I let it happen, so I'm not blaming him for this.
The next day my bum was very sore and going to the toilet really hurt. We had sex again and my vagina was also sore and my cervix felt very sore.

From then on I was really sore. I felt really swollen down below and felt a lot of pressure. Sitting down actually hurt and I haven't really been able to wipe myself since. I think I also got thrush as I had the symptoms (I get it quite regularly) and had that sore paper cut feeling. I did take a fluconazole tablet on Thursday.

So all week it's been really sore to even sit down, feel like paper cuts everywhere.

Anyway I decided to try and take some photos because I can't actually see the area. All around my anal area I have redness (a good few cms away from actual anus as well as my perinium and anus looking swollen). I've also got what looks like some bits of broken skin. However what has worried me is that I have some spots/potential blisters? I can't really tell properly from the photo. I'm terrified I may have herpes. They aren't the obvious typical appearance but I have some small circle shaped bits of broken skin. I can also see some red bits on the swollen areas of anus but can't tell if it's a cut or tear or potential spot.

I obviously know nobody can diagnose me via the internet but wondering if anyone has any experience of this. Did you have similar symptoms after vigourous sex? Have you had herpes? I only looked on Thursday and couldn't get to the drs Fri. I will contact them tomorrow, however I'm very very nervous about what it'll mean and how it'll impact my relationship.

For context, been with my partner 10 years and completely faithful. I've never had herpes and not has he- well never seen any and he's not said he has. I know it can remain dormant etc etc but how likely is this to actually be the case and isn't it more likely he's just cheated?

You are catastrophising. You don't have to tell the GP anything. You have pain and blisters and you need them to examine you and swab for STIs if they will do it. That's it.
It would have been much better for you to go straight to the gum clinic but it's good to see a GP at least.

Let the GP have a look and take it from there. You’ll be so relieved that you went and as PPs have said, they really have seen it all before. I remember asking a nurse at our surgery to check if I had a prolapse. I was so nervous. She said oh don’t worry, I’ve seen most of {them} in the local area xx

Update- so it wasn't as bad as expected and I had the lovely doctor who was very nice.
She didn't ask any questions regarding the relationship/sex either.
Anyway she had a good look and said I don't have herpes. It looks like a mix of thrush/healing tears. I have a cream to use.

Glad you went to see your doctor, and i'd have a word with your partner if i was you, i know you said you didn't stop him but his over eagerness is causing you physical pain which isn't normal.

To be honest I'm still a little anxious that it could be something but more reassured after seeing the Dr.
I do appreciate the concern, the last few months he has been more rough with me. When he is annoyed with me he seems to be very rough with his fingers inside me. Plus I have made it clear I don't like anything near my bum! I don't mind occasionally if hes slow and gentle but he seems to like raming as many fingers in as he can, roughly.

So may of you were right, this isn't just rough sex. It's something I don't want. I didn't speak up, although a few months ago he did something to me despite me saying no. I have lost sight of what's normal and in many ways was surprised so many of you thought it was unacceptable. I just assumed it's normal to get hurt sometimes and he didn't realise.

OP, you’ve just said a few months ago your partner raped you.

You’ve also clearly communicated a boundary about anal penetration which he has ignored on this occasion (and it seems others).

Please please just reflect on what you’ve just said and realise that this is not just rougher than normal sex when tipsy, this is coercive sexual behaviour and you can’t just keep making excuses for it.

What pleasure does he even get from roughly fingering you when drunk so hard he causes vaginal and anal tears and a thrush infection? Sounds to me like your pain and the invasive and aggressive nature of the act was the pleasure and that’s very concerning when you feel unable to say no in circumstances where you’re being violently torn…

I am sorry to read this. He’s very abusive if he tries to hurt you during sex if he’s angry with you. It sounds like sex is something he “ does to you” and something you consent to as he will go ahead and do it anyway ( and that’s not really consent). My partner and I have had sex after an agreementy but he’s never hurt me, it’s been a way of reconnecting.
It sounds like he could be abusive in others ways as you come across as scared and also ashamed at what’s he’s done to you, the shame is all his @Worriedone12 . We are all here to listen and support you x

• arguement And not agreement

Sometimes it takes something like this (unfortunately) to wake up and see things from outside the fog. Confide in a good friend if you can and they will be able to guide you through it. Just remember, the bottom line is, the right guy, actually scrap that… basic decent guys would never do anything you didn’t want, they would never hurt you willingly or to gain power play. That kind of “punishment” for power only ever escalates, it never gets better. Think back over your time with him and write things down you were uncomfy with. All of them. Then look at them all. It will help you see it. Sometimes when goal posts move slightly each time, and when our sense of self or self esteem isn’t where it should be, we can normalise things that we know deep down aren’t normal. The bar lowers a bit each time. I’ve been there. You wake up somewhere you never thought you’d be and wonder where you disappeared to. Once you’ve seen it though, you can do something about it. Today has been hard but you've been brave and honest, and you have to keep advocating for yourself. x

It doesn’t sound like you live together, which is a good thing. Can you find a way to end the relationship? Block his number, don’t answer the door, speak to friends or family to help you. I think it’s really important that you’ve realised this isn’t normal. Your partner is suppose to love and cherish you.

If you’ve said you don’t like it and continues to do it, presumably from what you’ve said as a way to punish you, that is abuse. Please speak to women’s aid this isn’t normal OP and I think you know that xx

Your partner is raping you. Please will you seek some help. You do not need to resign yourself to this abuse. You do not need to stay with him because you have children. You all deserve better.

I think what also hit home is that he never once asked if I was ok. He asked for sex a few days later and I said I was really sore. He dismissed it and said I couldn't be sore from the sex two days later. He then mentioned it again 2 days later, so I said in a non accusatory way that I was actually really sore and think I had tears because I couldn't even wipe my bum. He didn't even reply to the message or acknowledge it and didn't once ask how I was. Maybe it's my fault for not being clearer because I was in a lot of pain all weekend, sitting hurt, opening my bowels hurt, weeing hurt.

I had a false sense of security at the weekend because we went out together to a reunion of his friends. We never go anywhere and he doesn't ever compliment me but I felt he was almost parading me around that night. I'm quite a bit younger than him and all of his friends and he was surprisingly complimentary about me to them. So this time I didn't equate sex with him wanting to hurt me. I assumed he probably didn't realise. However you are all right, why would I want fingers rammed into my anus without lube (or at all).

Also to add; we do love together and have children. We have been together ten years.

im sorry youre going through this.

its rape.

he is hurting you on purpose either because he’s a bully or because he has been watching rough porn and thinks it’s ok.

it’s not ok.

you need to stay safe. hes damaging your insides. that’s not normal or acceptable.

im sorry but i think you need to stop having sex with him. or preferably leave him. he’s treating you badly. this is not love. he is using you.

Have you got parents, siblings or friends you can go stay with?

I don’t think any amount of parading or complimentary behaviour in public is going to stop him being dominating and rough in the bedroom, either get out of that relationship or be very clear about your boundaries and tell him if he doesn’t respect them then he will have to leave.

One thing I had to do was record conversations on my phone. You can do it discreetly using the voice recorder app. I did this because the gaslighting I was receiving was unreal and it was all too easy to doubt myself afterwards or forget parts of the conversation. It was another thing that helped me see the situation properly if that makes sense. I never used the recordings for anything else, but they were invaluable for my resolve and understanding that it wasn’t me.. it was him.

I felt absolutely sick reading this. I am sorry but any man using a tiny portion of his brain must know that inserting anything up a woman’s bum and then into her vagina is risking her health.
This poor lady has enough going on with issues like thrush.
He is not a loving man. He thinks his wife’s body is there to be used on demand.
I don’t care what could be said in his defence he is not a loving man and I think OP had sex with him the second time out of fear.
It is hard to say this man is a rapist when OP sees him as her partner but what he is doing has no love involved at all.

OP your more recent updates do put things in a different light.

He is sexually and emotionally abusing you.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It isn’t your fault.

What would you like to happen in your future?

Op you've said you dont like anything near your bum, he knows you dont. Instead hes chosen to roughly shove multiple dry fingers? He has hurt you in an entirely predictable way. Im really sorry but this is assault, its not your fault.

You need medical attention asap. Do not gamble with this. That feeling of pressure and fullness suggests you could have multiple issues, such as a urine infection plus bacterial vaginosis on top of a strong case of thrush.

I think what also hit home is that he never once asked if I was ok. He asked for sex a few days later and I said I was really sore. He dismissed it and said I couldn't be sore from the sex two days later. He then mentioned it again 2 days later, so I said in a non accusatory way that I was actually really sore and think I had tears because I couldn't even wipe my bum. He didn't even reply to the message or acknowledge it and didn't once ask how I was. Maybe it's my fault for not being clearer because I was in a lot of pain all weekend, sitting hurt, opening my bowels hurt, weeing hurt

He's treating you like a blow-up doll, not a human being. He has rough sex with you, endangering your health, then shows zero care.

I wonder what led you to this point. What kind of upbringing you had to start wondering if this was your fault, or to find this man suitable or attractive.

End this 'relationship'. Please.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. This is a free PDF online.

Think about doing the Freedom Program.

No, it's not normal for a partner to rape and be so rough with their partner during sex she can't sit without pain for days and has to seek medical attention. He's sexually abusive. Going from anus to vagina like he did is a no because it spreads fecal bacteria, causing infections.

He sexually abuses you and has no care if he’s hurting you
He never compliments you
You never go anywhere together
He parades you around like a prize possession
He didn’t reply to a message about sex - why were you messaging if you live together? Why not verbally communicate?

All this is really sad. Please speak to someone. You don’t need this man in your life, and your children don’t need to grow up thinking this kind of way to treat a woman is normal.

When reading your messages it comes across to me that he treats you like a sex doll that he can do what he wants to. He doesn’t seem interested if you are enjoying it, in fact it doesn’t seem to be about you at all. I feel so sad that this is normal to you and I’m assuming maybe you’ve never had a loving relationship in which to compare this to.

Please know that what you have written and experienced is shocking and unacceptable. Do you have anyone in your life, friend or family member that you can confide in and get support?

Any man who roughly sticks his fingers up his partner’s bum when she has said no is not doing it for her pleasure, or even his.
He is doing it to hurt her, control her and silence her.
It is usually followed at some point with hands around the throat. Not good.