Good first date but unsure whether he is genuinely interested

[EagerGreyCat]

Perspective needed - first date went well but I’m confused about his level of interest.

I’ve been talking to a guy for around 4 weeks. From the start he was consistent, messaging daily, wanting to meet, and making effort to arrange seeing me. He lives a distance away, so meeting wasn’t a small effort and I appreciated him coming my way.

The date happened yesterday and we went for a little excursion to the seaside. I brought bits for us, as I knew we will be out a while.

In person there was chemistry. He was very affectionate, lots of hugging, holding hands, kissing, joking, and we both seemed very relaxed around each other. We could sit quietly together without it feeling awkward (or at least I did albeit he said he was relaxed too).

My uncertainty is that he seemed much more physically expressive than verbally curious. He does ask about me via messages or calls, and keeps conversations going, but he didn’t ask many deeper follow-up questions about me or my life, which made me wonder whether he was genuinely trying to get to know me. We did speak a fair bit prior to meeting so we did cover basic compatibilities but I seem to be asking thoughtful questions and really wanting to get to know him, whereas I'm not sure how many of those he initiated albeit we have a good laugh and conversation continues. I did take a slight step back to let him lead during the date whilst remaining warm and playful.

He followed through after the date with confirming hr get home and thanked me for bringing bits and hugs. What he hasn’t said is anything like “I enjoyed seeing you,” or “I’d like to see you again." As of yet. We just resumed normal day to day conversation.

From a male perspective, would you read this as a guy who’s clearly interested but just not very verbal, or as someone who enjoyed the physical side but may not necessarily want to take it further? Usually I can tell straight away but over here I am unsure as he ticked a lot of my boxes on paper, I felt relaxed with him and found him attractive but the lack of curiosity is confusing me. 1st date jitters or just not that interested?

I have had deep and meaningful conversations with men who, guess what, didn’t mean any of it. As my old nan used to say, talk is cheap Petula.
As I get older I often find behaviours to be far more meaningful.
I like Esther Perez’s take on it - we now expect a partner to take on many roles. We used to have a village. Now we expect the partner to be the village all on their own and it’s too much pressure.
My mum was a really intelligent person in every way. She was a deep thinker and talker. My dad… not so much. But they were married for so long I think because they had their own villages. Both had their own friends and hobbies. One thing they did share was a similar sense of humour.
You are expecting so much and it’s too much and yet are already saying you would be prepared to move.
Don’t.
Slow down a bit. When you meet a new friend it’s not like this - you just meet a new friend.
You are going to overthink yourself into so much stress.
I used to think and feel the same way and then I let it go. Experience was showing me it wasn’t working, it didn’t actually lead me to a fantastic partner, I needed to take a break and slow down.

When i said I am open to moving i mean in general not for him. I just meant the distance doesnt bother me for the right person.

What was your experience ? How did you slow down / what did you do?

Post your own advice then?

Not asking follow up questions or being curious is a lack of action in itself. So if we are judging people on their actiosm then....

I don't necessarily agree with the comment that its asking too much from a partner, as women generally we offer alot, heck of a lot. Men need to step up and met us at our level otherwise why do we need them really. Sorry I would rather be single than in a relationship with someone who couldn't offer me the same as I want offer them. Whilst there is a degree of compromise to have it shouldn't be on fundamental basic things, values, maturity etc.

Bet he manages to go to work and be more conversational

When I was dating, I wouldn't go on a second date with someone that didn't really ask questions about myself or were very physically touchy straight away and I've had both, lots of times. Puts me off.

I couldn’t date anyone who referred to anything as ‘bits’.

Hooked up with a fit guy I was massively crushing on.

Turned out he was one of those guys who do random dirty talk 😬

Kept calling my vagina my "bits".

I took years away from dating.
That doesn’t mean everyone else has to.
I got therapy to work out what it was that was driving me.
Eventually met someone through volunteering, in person, who was a friend for many months before a date was enjoyed.
Realising that flailing around wanting a connection was a me problem and that it led me to attracting people who weren’t right for me at all.
Been with the person I met for a decade, we aren’t a perfect match but I have learned actions often speak louder than words with men, and that they are very, very different to us.
I look to my friendships for a lot of connection now, with friends of all sorts.
It has worked for me but came after a relationship where we became connected very easily, with lots of words and passion, and he absolutely undid me.

How old is/are your child/children? Would they be unsettled by a move in the next year? If you want to move, and it's not for a man - why haven't you moved already?

You have over analysed everything he said or didn't say one the first date, but expect him to do all the running because you don't want the mental load and you run your own business. He did the bulk of travelling, give you are time restricted this is likely to continue unless you are child free EOW and can be fairer. He initiated the first date. It is your turn.

Stalkers want to know everything about you with deep questions on the first date.

You sound like you are rushing it. Acting like a couple on the first meeting and immediately complaining he's not interested enough in you, but you had flowing conversation. It takes time to get to know someone. There isn't a fast track and interrogation to try and fast track it will send most men (and a lot of women) running.

He isn't going to change who is he just because you ask a lot of questions and he doesn't. Still learning new things about my partner after years. You can't cover every aspect of a person in a few weeks.

Well I would say 3 hours is a bit of a challenge. Also not to over analyse the situation - it's one meeting . I knew a woman who took an iPad with her on first dates and asked them a series of questions . 🤷‍♀️ It didn't go well. Also don't chat for so long before you meet as it sets up expectations in your mind.

Picky bits!

The distance makes it much harder to identify whether someone is ‘the right person’ because online communications and very occasional meetings in person is so different to dating someone nearer.

I think it’s a red flag about your judgment to be ‘open to moving’ with your DC primarily for a relationship with someone you’d never met before dating, and not something to be open about with men you date.

Has a second date been arranged? Will you be seeing him again OP? If not, the thinking and analysing isnt worth the time.

An expression i cannot tolerate.

Makes me thinks of scabs.

Does it relate to food?!! Who the hell calls food bits?

Again, I said I'm open to moving because I want to, not for a man... I am considering different areas for schools and country living and if I met someone I did distance with, I would consider moving closer. I have not discussed this with men I date. Wild assumption on your part.

Well, I do. Totally UK term for low effort food but if it helps, English is also not my first language

2nd date not arranged yet and to be fair ive decided to sit back and observe. I know some posters seem to think its strange to have and want curiosity from someone but im fed up with the how is your day and thats it for a convo unless I lead it. Maybe its my upbringing, I was brought up to be curious about the world and people, and follow up on threads particularly with people I am interested in. Yes not everyone is like that but how else do you speak with someone and connect ? What do you learn? Yes actions matter more, I agree and lazy messages how is your day are an action - a lazy one as they lead nowhere.

I wouldn’t doing any more messaging until he asks you out again, how much messaging don’t people need to?

I have pulled back and yes left the ball in his court.

Also I dont mind messaging, its a form of connecting with people particularly if there is a distance?

No it's not your upbringing that makes you special in this way. Most people just take a more measured approach to it.

Stepping back and back and back is a good option. If he messages and has a plan, consider it and let him know if it suits you. If he just keeps messaging light superficial chit chat, its not a connection. Its light chit chat. Respond if you wish with equally light chit chat and it will just keep going round in that circle. If he tells you the distance is too great, or you are not a match its great information so you can just move along.
Never bring 'bits' again. Just bring yourself. If you are starving get something to eat.
There is no need to be 'warm and playful'. Just listen and respond, if he keeps it light, he keeps it light. Whatever.
Do you really want to see someone 300 miles away?
Never mind the video calls beforehand. They are for meetings with an agenda or with far flung friends, not so much for strangers.

Don’t apologise for this - doesn’t matter what anyone else would do in your situation, you want proactive conversation and to be pursued a bit in the beginning so hold your boundary and don’t settle! If you start making excuses or picking up the slack after date one then imagine where you’ll be in 6 months!

Good for you OP, at least from this you find out more what really you need from a partner and relationship
As I said I would rather have someone who took interest in me and was curiois asked more than light chit chat, did ask a few follow up questions and compromise on something else.

I think what you want in terms of connection is perfectly normal and acceptable- it has to feel right for you. And I’d be the same. It’s also fine for him to be more surface level, I wouldn’t attach a value judgement like laziness or anything, it’s just his personality/preference but it does mean that unfortunately, and particularly coupled with the distance, you’re just not compatible.
I know it’s disappointing when things don’t work out but at least you have enough insight about what you need to have realised this early so you can move on.