Good first date but unsure whether he is genuinely interested

[EagerGreyCat]

Perspective needed - first date went well but I’m confused about his level of interest.

I’ve been talking to a guy for around 4 weeks. From the start he was consistent, messaging daily, wanting to meet, and making effort to arrange seeing me. He lives a distance away, so meeting wasn’t a small effort and I appreciated him coming my way.

The date happened yesterday and we went for a little excursion to the seaside. I brought bits for us, as I knew we will be out a while.

In person there was chemistry. He was very affectionate, lots of hugging, holding hands, kissing, joking, and we both seemed very relaxed around each other. We could sit quietly together without it feeling awkward (or at least I did albeit he said he was relaxed too).

My uncertainty is that he seemed much more physically expressive than verbally curious. He does ask about me via messages or calls, and keeps conversations going, but he didn’t ask many deeper follow-up questions about me or my life, which made me wonder whether he was genuinely trying to get to know me. We did speak a fair bit prior to meeting so we did cover basic compatibilities but I seem to be asking thoughtful questions and really wanting to get to know him, whereas I'm not sure how many of those he initiated albeit we have a good laugh and conversation continues. I did take a slight step back to let him lead during the date whilst remaining warm and playful.

He followed through after the date with confirming hr get home and thanked me for bringing bits and hugs. What he hasn’t said is anything like “I enjoyed seeing you,” or “I’d like to see you again." As of yet. We just resumed normal day to day conversation.

From a male perspective, would you read this as a guy who’s clearly interested but just not very verbal, or as someone who enjoyed the physical side but may not necessarily want to take it further? Usually I can tell straight away but over here I am unsure as he ticked a lot of my boxes on paper, I felt relaxed with him and found him attractive but the lack of curiosity is confusing me. 1st date jitters or just not that interested?

You’ve had one date? Maybe he wanted to see if he liked you enough to take it further before he got into the whole backstory of your life!
”Deep questions” about your life, really…

I am pretty serious. I would approach a man to talk to him in the wild, no problem but I dont ask for dates at the start as it becomes confusing whether the man is actually into me or not. Call me old school even though im in my 30s but it is how it is for me.

we both took day off work to meet and spend time together

Well, that’s unsustainable, for a start…

Oh dear me, I don't mean my life plans but surely you are interested in people you date and ask about stuff so you can see if compatible?

Why is that ? He has his business, I have mine. Does that hurt anyone ? Nope. We spent lovely sunny day outdoors.

Aww I really feel for you and know where you’re coming from but I would absolutely try your best not to judge every man you meet by the standards of those who have been before.

Don’t emotionally invest, don’t talk too much via messages and get attached too soon, just take it slow and enjoy the developments as they naturally happen and leave yourself open to him being a good one.

You sound preoccupied with whether he liked you and wants to see you again but what’s important here is if YOU liked him and he ticks your boxes!

Erm yes.. where have you been!? Women even pay for dates now OP 😂
It sounds positive, just relax. Have a few more dates.

I brought bits for us, as I knew we will be out a while

What was the actual date and what did he contribute?

I always offer to pay even in full, or at least cover half if thats what they prefer. Thats totally different as not everyone can afford a meal or tickets or whatever. Or with drinks we do rounds so its equal. I just don't ask men on dates unless I know they are interested in dating me... I know, I know maybe archaic but my dad always taught me that an interested man will make it happen

We went outdoors, sea, hike and he paid entry fee to the place, I brought food. He also had 3 hrs drive, mine was 30 mins so he made effort there i guess.

The levels of affectation maybe clouding my judgement but clearly I was into him too 😬

Just one date? I think you need to meet a few more times before you make any decisions or judgements.

Perhaps he has 2 or 3 more first dates this week and is waiting to see how those go?

I wouldn’t say it’s old school as I know plenty of older women who ask men on dates. I think it’s a bit off if one partner is always expected to ask and arrange dates, and doesn’t know it’s some sort or test. If I was in his position I would think you weren’t interested. It’s hardly a chore just to say, ‘fancy a drink next Thursday’.

Your dad was right. If you want to know how interested a man is, let him show you. Otherwise you could be barking up the wrong tree.

Or, a lazy tree that might enter a relationship just because you're keen and it makes his life easier. And you might only find out years later :( speaking from experience

This is a non starter if he’s 3 hours away!

Sounds like it went well. Perhaps he didn't want to be too intense asking questions etc and it was your first meeting after all.
I'd tend to agree to let him ask you on the next date, but I'd probably say I had a great time on x day. That gives him the in to suggest another date.

What do you think is causing that ? Are they not doing / asking what you want as you indicate here ?

I'm 63, my husband 67. We met 8 years ago. He said he really liked it when women asked him on dates as it showed they liked him. He sometimes didn't ask for a second date as they didn't show much interest and he wasn't sure if they liked him so he didn't feel he wanted to ask for a second date. It works both ways.

Your Dad is correct

It sounds a bit funny I think, what’s with intense questions or lack of them? Why do you need any of these?

Also is four weeks of messaging normal nowadays?

Next time don’t bring food etc on a first date, I think it’s bit like you want to mother or look after him.

I’ve been learning a lot about relationships, from all my previous mistakes to be honest and trying to show up now as a better version of myself.

I can only give you my experience

Feelings are not facts. Where is any evidence he doesn’t like you?

Analysing someone to this extent doesn’t give you any answers

You cant get any certainty from someone however hard you try, and trying harder to overthink it all won’t achieve it either

You do need to enjoy the moment and the experience and show up being loving (this means open, not actual love) and putting the best energy out there

Asking deep questions is not fun and light - it’s not a job interview and a first date is not your husband material screening test.

You aren’t enjoying the experience if you are analysing his movements, speech and talking points to find out what he thinks about you. He doesn’t know you. He’s trying to get to know you. So let him and show him you

If you want him to know you had a good time and want to see him again, tell him.

Men often don’t want to seem pushy, women do not tend to like this in a man, so you can lose a good opportunity by holding back when he’s waiting for signals from you.

I’m not a hippy but… You need to put out the energy you want to get back, you are in control of your own energy and ‘anxious energy’ is a massive waste of your emotional resources and time. I say this from one anxious person to another

You had an amazing fun date with a guy who sounds fun and seems to like you. Take this at face value and lean into it.

No one should over look red flags. But sometimes our brains interpret uncertainty for red flags that are not really there. And the more you try not to think about a pink elephant. All you will do is think about a pink elephant, and see more pink elephants everywhere

Three hours is about my limit for a weeks holiday!

How would this work going forward OP?

Given your circumstances and the impression from your posts (wanting a relationship and closeness, quickly) it seems unwise to date someone who is geographically far away meaning lots of online chat rather than actual meet ups.

the distance combined with having to schedule etc creates a kind of intensity that isn’t ideal

Wait, you said you attract men who "take too much and don't give back", but YOU alone brought food and drinks to the date? What did he bring?

It sounds like it was a nice date, but I don't understand your thinking about the food and drinks.