Good first date but unsure whether he is genuinely interested

[EagerGreyCat]

Perspective needed - first date went well but I’m confused about his level of interest.

I’ve been talking to a guy for around 4 weeks. From the start he was consistent, messaging daily, wanting to meet, and making effort to arrange seeing me. He lives a distance away, so meeting wasn’t a small effort and I appreciated him coming my way.

The date happened yesterday and we went for a little excursion to the seaside. I brought bits for us, as I knew we will be out a while.

In person there was chemistry. He was very affectionate, lots of hugging, holding hands, kissing, joking, and we both seemed very relaxed around each other. We could sit quietly together without it feeling awkward (or at least I did albeit he said he was relaxed too).

My uncertainty is that he seemed much more physically expressive than verbally curious. He does ask about me via messages or calls, and keeps conversations going, but he didn’t ask many deeper follow-up questions about me or my life, which made me wonder whether he was genuinely trying to get to know me. We did speak a fair bit prior to meeting so we did cover basic compatibilities but I seem to be asking thoughtful questions and really wanting to get to know him, whereas I'm not sure how many of those he initiated albeit we have a good laugh and conversation continues. I did take a slight step back to let him lead during the date whilst remaining warm and playful.

He followed through after the date with confirming hr get home and thanked me for bringing bits and hugs. What he hasn’t said is anything like “I enjoyed seeing you,” or “I’d like to see you again." As of yet. We just resumed normal day to day conversation.

From a male perspective, would you read this as a guy who’s clearly interested but just not very verbal, or as someone who enjoyed the physical side but may not necessarily want to take it further? Usually I can tell straight away but over here I am unsure as he ticked a lot of my boxes on paper, I felt relaxed with him and found him attractive but the lack of curiosity is confusing me. 1st date jitters or just not that interested?

I'd probably stop thinking about marriage and living together and just see if you can go on a few more dates and get to know each other.

I'd definitely message him like:

"Shall we start planning another date?"

This isn't asking him out but bringing up the suggestion.

If he doesn't very clearly start planning another meet, or gives an excuse, then he isn't attracted enough to want to meet again.

If he liked you in person he'll be keen to get the next one sorted. If he just chats or says he's busy it's a no.

I also agree with other posters that it sounds a little bit too long and complicated for a first meet.

First meet should be about him seeing you in person, not you hanging out on a big day out as if you are already close friends. You're not.

Most people would enjoy walking around the beach with a nice new friend who had brought them food and drinks. Kissing and hugging might be due to chemistry, or it might just be as it's a nice sunny holiday vibe.

But that doesn't mean he's attracted to you as a woman. I'd pick a neutral coffee shop or bar and allow 2-3 hours in future.

It’s likely the realities of a long distance relationship that has put him off. A six hour round trip isn’t hugely sustainable. I agree that he would have told you he a great time and suggested date two by now if he was keen.

3hours! This isnt a sustainable relationship then, is it?

My Dad taught me not to sit around waiting for men to decide my future for me.

You aren't auditioning for a bit part in somebody's life. You talk about lots of conscious and deliberate projecting of yourself. You took a step back on some things, were playful and warm, let him lead. This is all very mannered and calculated. As a pp said, it's not a job interview and pitching up with your deep questions and playing a role isn't the way to find a life partner. You're supposed to spend time together on a first date working out if they're good enough for you. Way too much focus on "does he like me, what does this mean etc" and far too little on whether he's somebody you want to see again and whether you naturally got on.

And how do you tell if somebody's interested if you ask them out? Usually, they say yes.

are you ready to date? You sound very intense. Guessing not UK as huge distance between

That's my thought. Even if he did like you the reality of 6 hours to meet up and arranging a day off work due to childcare is going to make a genuine relationship really tough.

Have you asked him if the distance is a factor in pursuing a relationship? That did need to be a discussion after meeting.

Myabe you need someone who is more conversational and goes beyond surface type chats, whilst they are great I think I understand what you are saying about deeper questions its not always necessarily serious stuff but asking beyond the usual how was x y z.

I once dated a gu who seemed great on the phone in person couldn't carry the conversation was too surface level and ahilst everything else was fine I never felt like he was really interested in me or liked me because of that. I dropped him in the end because I realise I need someone who is more conversational and I'd rather compromise on something else then that.

Maybe the three hour drive put him off especially as you have children and have to work around that. That would be a non-starter for me. When I was online dating I only went out with people from my city.

Would you be able to travel to his area next time?

Foolish view

That could easily be interpreted as you pulling back because you aren’t as interested now you have met him.

I think people who ask deep questions when they barely know someone are quite rare. Maybe he is one of us who prefer to keep things light in the first months of getting to know someone.

IME men rarely or never ask lots of deep questions about women or want to know their every thought and experience. I actually think the majority don’t care about women’s inner thoughts and feelings. In relationships men only care about how it impacts them. They want sex first and foremost and they want to get on with someone, have a laugh, be proud of their partner and have someone look after them/be on their side. All this deep emotional stuff/connectivity and innermost thoughts and feeling is for women.

I would back off a bit OP.

Nope. Just refusing to play ridiculous games.

You are putting too much thought and effort into a first date which is your initial meeting.

This isn’t true, but for a first date it’s just too much.

My partner asks me deep questions sometimes but not every interaction we have is ‘therapy’ and there is no need for it. We can have mutual conversations about our childhood together and learn information about one another sometimes, but he’s with me as an adult woman, I’m no longer a child so it’s not always relevant.

We grow and mature and my deep seated views are always evolving and changing I am not a fixed person. I don’t want my partner to view me as I used to be I want him to view me as I am now, I’m happy to share experiences that shaped me but he wasn’t there then so what relevance is it really? We try to live in the moment to be honest, and the future not the past.

My partner doesn’t need to know my every thought and I don’t need to know his. I’m not sure we would like to see into other people’s brains

For those saying about the distance, this man already drove it so he clearly was interested and people should stop making assumptions based on other men or stereotypes.

He's not genuinely interested. Neither are you. Because you've only been on one date.

After you've met someone once you might be attracted to them, you might enjoy their company, you might feel a spark, but you don't really know them. You haven't scratched the surface.

This is why we go on second and third dates, to get to know them a bit better. Genuine interest only builds with time. It's foolish to expect someone to be serious about you after one meeting.

I'm also always confused by women who obsess over what some man is feeling rather than paying attention to what they're feeling and acting on it. "Am I into him?" is a much more pertinent question than "is he into me?".

You had a good first date. Ball's in your court to arrange a second date. Maybe it will also go well and there'll be a third date. Maybe at some point it'll fizzle out. That's the nature of dating. At this point it's too early to say anything for sure.

And how is that working for the younger generations or modern dating?

What kind of bizarre rule is that? If you like him, ask him!

Any news yet op?

Ridiculous games do not change, regardless of generation.

Helen’s face launched a thousand ships, she didn’t have to be nice or make the first step or go Dutch.

Helen was fictional

Deep questions on a first date? That would be too intense for me!

You are overstepping and overthinking. Don't take food and drinks on a first date - It's really over the top. A first date should be light and fun, not an interview to see if you're going to get married. You need to rethink your dating strategy. Find another babysitter. It's not going to work having weeks of intense messaging before meeting in person. Far too much build up and time invested before you've even met for a coffee and given each other the once over.

A LTR or marriage may be what you want but it’s far, far, far too much for a first date.
I am old enough to be your mum.
Stop bringing so much. Even if he’s driven for 3 hours.
Your company should be enough.
All these chats can be very intense pre-date but, honestly, they mean zero.
They create false intimacy.
Dating should be fun. In the early days, it should just be about getting to know each other not a series of deep questions.
I know dating is tough now, some of my friends are single and the men our age actually want to date women your age….
Relax a bit. You sound like a lovely, kind, together person. For the right person, that’s more than good enough.
And stop driving yourself mad with the analysis. Men are pretty simple - he will want to date again or he won’t.