Good first date but unsure whether he is genuinely interested

[EagerGreyCat]

Perspective needed - first date went well but I’m confused about his level of interest.

I’ve been talking to a guy for around 4 weeks. From the start he was consistent, messaging daily, wanting to meet, and making effort to arrange seeing me. He lives a distance away, so meeting wasn’t a small effort and I appreciated him coming my way.

The date happened yesterday and we went for a little excursion to the seaside. I brought bits for us, as I knew we will be out a while.

In person there was chemistry. He was very affectionate, lots of hugging, holding hands, kissing, joking, and we both seemed very relaxed around each other. We could sit quietly together without it feeling awkward (or at least I did albeit he said he was relaxed too).

My uncertainty is that he seemed much more physically expressive than verbally curious. He does ask about me via messages or calls, and keeps conversations going, but he didn’t ask many deeper follow-up questions about me or my life, which made me wonder whether he was genuinely trying to get to know me. We did speak a fair bit prior to meeting so we did cover basic compatibilities but I seem to be asking thoughtful questions and really wanting to get to know him, whereas I'm not sure how many of those he initiated albeit we have a good laugh and conversation continues. I did take a slight step back to let him lead during the date whilst remaining warm and playful.

He followed through after the date with confirming hr get home and thanked me for bringing bits and hugs. What he hasn’t said is anything like “I enjoyed seeing you,” or “I’d like to see you again." As of yet. We just resumed normal day to day conversation.

From a male perspective, would you read this as a guy who’s clearly interested but just not very verbal, or as someone who enjoyed the physical side but may not necessarily want to take it further? Usually I can tell straight away but over here I am unsure as he ticked a lot of my boxes on paper, I felt relaxed with him and found him attractive but the lack of curiosity is confusing me. 1st date jitters or just not that interested?

No, really?

If you think I m wrong, can you explain to me why is a predominant part of the relationships board about « he doesn’t pull his weight » in some form or the other, yet for dating, you advocate for women to start doing at least half the work?

Don’t you think the two may eventually be linked, by any chance?

edited, lost quote @gannett

I think this is exactly why im struggling. I enjoy conversation and am curious about people. I dont run an interview as some suggest but to me finding about the other person is part of dating. How else do you find out who they are and what they like? Not everything shows through actions.

To be fair we spoke about it last night and he admitted he is more observervant vs conversationalist....

Jesus Christ. Are you posting from the 1950s?

Thanks for all the insights. To answer a few questions:

1. Yes, this was our first time meeting, but we didn’t go in completely blind.
We had been speaking regularly for several weeks beforehand, including calls and video calls, so there was already some familiarity. We are different in some ways, but we share a similar sense of humour and agree on quite a few fundamentals that matter to us. I also never filtered myself, he gets exactly who I am on messages, calls and now in person so maybe I am intense to some, he is aware I don't do things half way and he very much does not either

2. Distance/other practical factors
I don’t know how he feels about the distance now, and I may have slightly adjusted details to avoid being identified. However, he was fully aware of the distance from the start and was happy to continue. I actually raised it a couple of times early on because I didn’t want either of us wasting time if it was a dealbreaker. He has also known about my circumstances and DC. If those things change his view, then of course that is his choice and there is nothing I can do about it.

3. The conversation about how he connects with people
We did talk about this last night. I know some people will see asking that after one date as intense, but for me it answers a genuine compatibility question.
I wasn’t asking him “are you going to marry me?” or asking for a declaration of feelings. I was trying to understand how he approaches getting to know someone.
I am a naturally curious person. I ask questions because that is how I learn about people. He is different and explained that he learns more by observing people over time and seeing their actions. That difference was useful to understand.I’m also at a point where I don’t want endless dates with no direction. I am absolutely not expecting to know after one date whether someone is “my person”, but I do want substance and a sense that both people are genuinely trying to get to know each other.
I have had experiences where someone seemed very interested, we dated regularly for months, and then suddenly I was told the “vibe” wasn’t right anymore with no real conversation beforehand. So yes, that probably makes me more conscious of compatibility and communication early on.

4. Since the original post, we have actually spoken about it.
He didn’t react badly to me being direct. He explained that he is someone who tends to observe people over time rather than ask lots of questions, and that he can sometimes miss hints or take things literally. I appreciated that he engaged with the conversation rather than becoming defensive.
He also messaged me this morning.
I think ultimately we may just have different communication styles, and the question is whether those styles work together Or whether anything else becomes an issue

5. I like the guyI don't mean many people I actually like and want to get to know them. I know its not the same to get to know someone via messages as it is in person, but here we are - modern dating. I have been in this circle for long enough and see that dating nowadays is a revolving door - people see endless choices and dont work on anything. Before anyone attacks me that's* *an experience I hear from plenty of other people too. So I have seeked advice because I felt confused, maybe overstimulated, maybe infatuated. The physical affection was mutual. I enjoyed it, and I was comfortable with it at the time ( which again is unusual for me). I’m not saying he did something wrong I’m trying to understand what it means.

6. On the ask him out

I find this comment interesting because I don’t think the issue is that I am incapable of initiating. I am very direct and I have no problem saying what I think or asking questions (as you can probably tell 😂).

However, I do want a partner who naturally takes initiative too.

I run my own business, so I am naturally quite a leading person in my day-to-day life. I make decisions, organise things, solve problems and take responsibility. In a relationship, I don’t want to feel like I am managing everything or carrying the mental load as well.

For me, “being pursued” is not about outdated gender roles or expecting a man to do everything. It is about wanting to see that someone has their own drive, initiative and desire to move things forward. I want someone who can meet me halfway and sometimes take the lead.

I can absolutely make plans and I am happy to be proactive, but I don’t want to feel like I am constantly steering the relationship while the other person simply comes along for the ride. So I avoid leading at the start. I do not expect for someone to pay and as stated before I can pay full bill, offer to pay half etc.

You're not making much sense.

Men who don't pull their weight at home behave like that because they think men and women should fulfil different roles - the woman looks after the home, the man goes out to provide.

Women who date "passively" - letting the man chase them, pay for them etc - also send the message that men and women fulfil different roles, and they will naturally attract men whose self-identity is linked to their ability to pay and provide.

Sticking to traditional gender roles when dating means you end up with traditional gender roles when married. It's not rocket science.

Taking the lead in dating isn't about doing more work - it's about actively going out and getting what you want from life. You don't sit back and wait for your dream job or like-minded friends to come to you, you go out and find them. Same is true of relationships.

She said she was asking deep questions.

I said deeper questions not deep as in trauma dump. But surely when you go out with someone you ask follow up questions. Like we talked travel. I said im travelling soon. He didnt ask anything about it.... not even where to?

It's one date. In the nicest way, you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

He could be a prick, he could be hoping to just fuck you and move on, he could have attachment issues, he could just be a more reserved, quiet type, he might have been nervous about making a bad impression, he might have had a bit of a headache, he could be a charming serial killer who daydreams about skinning you...who knows? Not you, because you don't know him at all, not really.

Just suggest you should go on another date soon as you had fun, and see what he says, and whether he's proactive about it or not.

True 😂 Thanks for the mental picture of being skinned alive

I'm sure he'd be a gentleman and dispatch you first! 🤣 Really though, it sounds like you get on well and have great chemistry - don't over-analyse it too much, and just focus on getting to know each other, and your different communication styles! I hope it works out for you.

Thank you! I am just sick and tired of dating 😂 and actually like this one and clearly attracted to him as well 🙈 Annoying stage of the unknown

In my experience, few men initiate deep conversations. Many of them just aren't used to have these sort of conversations. I wouldn't necessarily judge a man by his ability to talk - it's way more important that men are consistent in their behaviour and actions, as men are typically more "doers" than "talkers".

Just read all of the threads on this forum where women who are with men that talk a lot and say "the right things" don't ever display actions or behavioural patterns that support their words. Ergo, words are meaningless and empty.

If you want to know what a man is all about, don't go by his words - go by what he actually does. It's very easy for men to say the things women want to hear, but most men are not prepared to put any work in to prove their word.

You'd been talking for 4 weeks before you met? Perhaps there isn't an awful lot more to say. I don't understand why people give each other so much information before they meet. I know he was a distance away but coffee and cake much sooner would have been a good idea. I hope things go well for you.

Talking for four weeks surely is you investing yourself emotionally, isn't it? Wouldn't you get your hopes up as the weeks went by?

The whole point is you can’t know it all 😂

Talking in vagueness is irritating, it’s a test. Just tell them where you are travelling to, I’m going to X

Despite lots of people telling you it was too much you don’t see it that way. You even admit you are sick of dating, this is why you are desperately trying to see if he fits into the hole in your life. Thing is, what if he half kind of fits but not completely? You won’t compromise?

You are over analysing him as now you even had to follow it up with trying to find out how he relates to other people.

Our reality is not the same as everyone else’s reality. Him getting to know someone slowly is perfectly fine for him. If you want someone who equally interviews you back then he probably isn’t the right person for you, but I don’t think you will find this person because everyone is an individual. If you already wish he was different then let him go and don’t keep pushing it.

Dating is not about recruiting for a job vacancy then handing over a locked in contract. It’s about seeing if there is enough alignment for something more to develop down the line

Because if you start off equal it has a better chance of being an equal partnership further down the line.

If you want or expect the man to take the lead in dating you, proposing to you, initiating future with you, paying for everything and then you are unhappy 5 years later he’s in control of your relationship and finances I’m not sure there is much to be surprised about?

Mmm yeah with guy he had interfering hobbies into his tech, 3D printing so if I asked what he was up to he wojld say 3D printing X, I would then follow up with a few more questions because I was curious. He wouldn't do the same back and that I want someone who does.

So yes I am similar to you in that its not serious deep conversatiosn, more like curiosity and being and showing more interedt beyond the basics.

Since he has confirmed what you experienced its up to you if this is what you want

This is also a good point however sounds like OP who runs her own business is quite capable and doesn't need a guy to do things. Yes actions matter but if you can't carry a conversatio not even be a bit curious like oh where are you gling its going to be a lonely experience being eith that person. Having experienced a guy like that I have never felt more alone around someone then I did alone by myself. This guy seems to have similar traits more observant less curious.

Pretty bad he couldn't he even be interested to ask where she is going on holiday I mean that isnt that deep lol

The distance should be a dealbreaker for YOU! In your circumstances and with your wishes and approach to dating a mainly online relationship and occasional meeting up involving a 6 hour round trip won’t work well.

Id rather see the right person less often but make it meaningful than being close. I just want the right partner. I am open to moving too.

“Where are you going on holidays?” is hairdresser chitchat 🙄
Op was pissed off that he didn’t ask her deep and meaningful questions, on the first date…
She said so. Not sure of the relevance of running her own business, is there any?

Well OP calified what she meant by deeper conversations as to be being kore curious which is whst you are calling hairdresser chitchat.

I was respondong to a poster who said look st their actiosn not words but if you are a capable woman you aren't necessarily needing a man to do things and conversation is just as important. Is it nice if a man opens doors etc, of course but if that means they are quiet, don't go beyond anything more than surface level question, not even hairdresser chit chat then it doesn't matter how good his actions are. We open doors ourselves all the time anyway.

It all sounds too much, surely you naturally find out by each other over time by having fun and enjoying being together if there’s a connection?

Exactly. I'm agreeing with you. I don't think you came across as only wanting touch / hugs / sex or whatever. Because you asked questions in addition to the physical contact. The person I replied to said you also came across like you weren't interested in a proper relationship.

You are right. No follow-up questions is a massive red flag. In my experience, it indicates someone on the scale for narcissism. Not saying he is as far gone as love bombers, but might just lack empathy and not really care about people.

Too early to tell. Maybe share with him on a future date that you're hoping to get to know each other better by talking and make a point of saying this involves asking follow-up questions.

You could hint.. "I have noticed you don't ask follow-up questions, is that something you normally do or were you impacted by a past relationship" (change phrasing to suit). Gives him an 'out' so not putting on spot but makes it clear his behaviour isn't normal and needs to change.

Oh god no 😂