Should I end our engagement over his refusal to manage his health?

[Omron]

Engaged for 6 months, been together over 2 years. Don't know if I'm getting the ick or being picky or what it is. I've known how he was about his health pretty much from around 6 months into dating him, I hoped he would take a different stance, but it's driving me up the pole now.

This will be the second time around for both of us. Both divorced. We are in our early fifties. I am in fairly good shape, very sporty, decent diet with the occasional night of a few drinks and a takeaway, but mainly lots of healthy food and have cut right back on sugar earlier this year. Well woman check last year showed everything to be good, the only medication I am on is HRT, otherwise I would be homicidal. Don't quote me on that 😂

Fiance has high cholesterol and is borderline diabetic. It keeps pushing over into type 2 numbers but then goes back down, The GP is checking it once a year, which I personally don't feel is enough. He has been on a statin for nearly 18 months and it got his number right now from 6.5 to somewhere in the just under 4 region, which is brilliant. Howwwwwwever, a few things are happening.. still happening.... and he is so stubborn about taking advice and taking care of himself that I am on the brink of ending the engagement.

His sugar and fat consumption are ridiculous. They have been for many years since before we met, so it's nothing to do with me or my behaviours. Despite knowing he has high cholesterol and is on the statin, it's almost as if taking the statin leaves him free to just consume as much saturated fat still as he wants. He fries chips in beef dripping, which he hasn't changed in over 2 years, he refuses to drink semi-skimmed milk, eats entire packets of salami for lunch, washed down with a pint of full fat milk, pours all the fat from meat onto his plate, even if he has grilled bacon, he pours the fat onto his bread. This is why his cholesterol was 6.5. I've tried to explain to him that the statin is getting the number down, but ideally he should do it himself. My Uncle had the same issue and we helped him change his diet and he didn't need a statin in the end.

He refuses to change and makes vomiting sounds and pulls a face when I put skimmed milk into my tea.... which leads me onto..... his sugar consumption. When I met him, he was putting 4 heaped spoons of sugar into his tea, which he makes super strong in quite a small mug, no teapot in sight... and of course puts full fat milk into it. He drinks over 10 to 15 cups a day like this, sometimes coffee, which he puts lots of sugar into as well. If a packet of biscuits are in his house, he will eat them all. Same thing for a cake meant to feed a family.. think the Asda boxed cakes. He has a compulsion to finish them.

I know a fair bit about diabetes as I lost a good friend to complications of the disease, and I hate to go on about it, but I suppose I'm trying to make him realise that yes, he could lose a leg, his eyesight, his kidneys could pack up. Right now his kidney function is OK, but if he keeps on keeping on, it won't be. His blood sugar is 47, which I believe is right at the top end of the borderline range. He has cut back the sugar in his tea, but is still consuming half a jar of jam per day on bread, smeared with thick butter. Yesterday he finished a large jar of jam that he only bought 2 days ago.

His attitude is that there is a pill for it and if he does get diabetes, he will be OK if he just takes it. I've tried to explain what can happen on that pill, and that your pancreas can eventually give up and you end up on insulin for the rest of your life.... or worse. He says he will do something about it if it gets worse, but this is already the 11th hour in my mind, or for anyone with an ounce of common sense about their health.

The latest development is he has jaundice in his eyes, which I noticed a few days ago. He noticed it too. He also has blurred vision. Of course it can mean many things. But the statin could be damaging his liver, it could be a bile issue, something else. But jaundice should never be ignored. I've urged him to see a GP. He hasn't made an appointment. He also has extreme fatigue that seems to be getting worse and worse. I almost drove him to A&E yesterday as I was so worried.

I'm sure I don't even need to mention the ED that happens due to diabetes, but he doesn't even seem bothered about getting the number down for that. I thought that might sway him, a reason to change, but it hasn't.

Today I have decided to back off. I woke up and felt so angry that he doesn't care enough about our shared future to take care of himself better. I'm starting to feel like his mother and not his partner and that's not what a relationship is about.

Is this how you want to spend your life? Focused on the health of someone who doesn’t give two hoots?

You could be enjoying yourself and instead you’re stressed and anxious. And he does not care. He doesn’t really love you. He will never put you first. Walk away

Walk away, you'll be caring for him for years.

If he changes, then great, you can start dating again if you both want to, from a new starting point. Let him work on himself (and in some ways you to work on yourself too) to see what he can do under his own steam. Even small changes can start to add up over time (I started very small 18mo ago and am turning my health around in ways I simply couldn't imagine, those small changes become habit and then you add more).

Never mind his health. What about his breath?

Sometimes I am shocked at what I read in the Relationships Threads!

Please place a boundary @Omron . Your partner is on a slow suicide mission. For whatever reason. This is not your problem to solve. He is a grown man, free to do whatever he wants. He is choosing this lifestyle. That's his perogative.

Your choice is whether you put up with his inevitable illnesses and step up and support/manage his medication, appointments, and disability. Or you cut your losses and leave him to get on with it.

I know what I would do, life is too short to battle with someone who is hell bent eating themselves into an early decline. Especially when this could be avoided.

@Omron two friends of mine . One loosing their eye site age 40s one loosing a limb any day now 50s. The later is in shock never thought it would happen. I’ve said for years it would . Guess what . Now they have had a shock and want to keep their diabetes under control .
OP you are fighting a Loosing battle.
You will be a carer. His teeth are bad his health is bad and the sex is bad.
Give your self a shake .
Not everyone can be saved . It’s not your job to try .
Call off the wedding as the very minimum . Get him ready for you ending the relationship for good .

2nd marriage for what? So you can wipe his arse and be his carer in a few years time?

Being single beats that on any day.

He’s going to make you into not only his mother but his carer. If you don’t fancy thst, get out before it’s impossible to leave.

Also just generally very unattractive behaviour - all that needless sugar in multiple cups of tea daily? - disgusting.

It's not the fat you should be worried about (unless it's trans fats). It the sugar consumption. Full fat organic milk is way healthier, more nutritious and far less processed than skimmed milk.

This

Why focus on the milk? That’s fine but all the beef dripping, packets of salami and bacon fat will be cancer if diabetes and heart disease doesn’t get him first. sugar is a problem too but those are not ok.

Your values and lifestyles are fundamentally different. Cut your loses and say your goodbyes.

Why are you getting married?

If you (somehow) find this man attractive and love him a lot and have a great relationship, perhaps you can just enjoy it for what it is now? Knowing you can untangle yourself easily down the track if things change. Then it's really up to him.

Don’t get married.

Whatever the cause any degree of doubt, this level of difference in lifestyle and outlook, growing dissatisfaction, is a fault line. That will grow.

2 years in you should be finding that your love, respect, compatibility is growing day by day, not being chipped away at.

What is the need to get married? You’ve both been through a divorce, you aren’t planning children together…don’t get married.

Liver issues not pancreas

You might not have to worry for much longer, if he's jaundiced his liver could be in very poor condition and failing he may not live very long unfortunately! He needs to seek help ASAP.

Jaundice could be pancreatic cancer - the GP will tell him to go to A and E. Hopefully they will all tell him to eat more sensibly.

Is your partner a happy and busy person? Could you start doing healthy things that he has to join in with?

You’re wasting your time. He won’t change. My ex was nowhere near as bad and refused to change. He died within the time frame I predicted he would if he didn’t change leaving our son without a father. Some people are extremely selfish and you need to recognise your own self-worth and get out of this before he ruins your life as well as his.

The milk was just one example.
I used that as it's a staple foodstuff for so many of us and it's such a widespread fallacy that skimmed is better for us (when in fact its had all its healthy fats and satiety value removed). Same goes for yogurt. Low fat yogurts often have the goodness (healthy fat ) removed only to be replaced with sugar. You're best stickinh to full fat (real, unprocessed) real yogurt.
I agree salami and bacon are processed and can be full of nitrites (especially smoked) so best avoided.

He is expecting you to watch him commit suicide. How treacherous to then say he loves you.

End it.

He sounds immature, lazy and gross.

You don't want to end up as a carer for a fool who brought ill health on himself.

Depends whether you are happy lining yourself up to be a full time carer. If not then you need to end it or perhaps tell him he's got 3vmonths to turn this around or you will leave.

God this sounds exactly like my dad. Heavy smoker, cooked everything in lard, Type II diabetic who drank a litre of full sugar a day and was also an alcoholic. He had had heart failure before but after my mother died, he just ate everything that he wanted to. It was heartbreaking for me. When he died , I had to clear so many sweet, cake and biscuit wrappers from under the bed.
And until I was on steroids I did not realise how much sugar and fats contribute to fatty liver disease. It shocked me into starting GP1s and sorting out my diet.

(And I love skimmed milk- the fatty mouth feel of full fat milk makes me feel nauseous. But adults who make vomit noises make me feel even sicker)

He won't change now, he doesn't share your lifestyle sufficiently or your health concerns or your values. I'd end it if I were you before it gets even more complicated to extract yourself .

OK, leaving aside his health issues for now, you say you are staying with him because "He has lots of other amazing qualities."

And yet:
makes vomiting sounds and pulls a face when I put skimmed milk into my tea [...]
He mocked me once for cleaning my teeth twice a day and flossing.

So being mature and kind are not among these other amazing qualities?

You need help. You are repeating your history. What makes you attracted to unhealthy men that you feel the need to 'save'?

The science on diet has moved on, low fat is not the healthy thing anymore, seed oils are bad and create inflammation, animal fat and full fat milk is good now. But perhaps renew the chip pan fat! It's sugar and refined carbs that are bad for both heart health and diabetes, see if you can change habits there like replacing some sweet tea with water, bottled tastes nicer and healthier snacks like half an avocado, a kiwi, rice cakes with butter on rather than sweet biscuits. How about using Stevia instead of sugar in tea? Sometimes people don't know what to have instead.