Should I end our engagement over his refusal to manage his health?

[Omron]

Engaged for 6 months, been together over 2 years. Don't know if I'm getting the ick or being picky or what it is. I've known how he was about his health pretty much from around 6 months into dating him, I hoped he would take a different stance, but it's driving me up the pole now.

This will be the second time around for both of us. Both divorced. We are in our early fifties. I am in fairly good shape, very sporty, decent diet with the occasional night of a few drinks and a takeaway, but mainly lots of healthy food and have cut right back on sugar earlier this year. Well woman check last year showed everything to be good, the only medication I am on is HRT, otherwise I would be homicidal. Don't quote me on that 😂

Fiance has high cholesterol and is borderline diabetic. It keeps pushing over into type 2 numbers but then goes back down, The GP is checking it once a year, which I personally don't feel is enough. He has been on a statin for nearly 18 months and it got his number right now from 6.5 to somewhere in the just under 4 region, which is brilliant. Howwwwwwever, a few things are happening.. still happening.... and he is so stubborn about taking advice and taking care of himself that I am on the brink of ending the engagement.

His sugar and fat consumption are ridiculous. They have been for many years since before we met, so it's nothing to do with me or my behaviours. Despite knowing he has high cholesterol and is on the statin, it's almost as if taking the statin leaves him free to just consume as much saturated fat still as he wants. He fries chips in beef dripping, which he hasn't changed in over 2 years, he refuses to drink semi-skimmed milk, eats entire packets of salami for lunch, washed down with a pint of full fat milk, pours all the fat from meat onto his plate, even if he has grilled bacon, he pours the fat onto his bread. This is why his cholesterol was 6.5. I've tried to explain to him that the statin is getting the number down, but ideally he should do it himself. My Uncle had the same issue and we helped him change his diet and he didn't need a statin in the end.

He refuses to change and makes vomiting sounds and pulls a face when I put skimmed milk into my tea.... which leads me onto..... his sugar consumption. When I met him, he was putting 4 heaped spoons of sugar into his tea, which he makes super strong in quite a small mug, no teapot in sight... and of course puts full fat milk into it. He drinks over 10 to 15 cups a day like this, sometimes coffee, which he puts lots of sugar into as well. If a packet of biscuits are in his house, he will eat them all. Same thing for a cake meant to feed a family.. think the Asda boxed cakes. He has a compulsion to finish them.

I know a fair bit about diabetes as I lost a good friend to complications of the disease, and I hate to go on about it, but I suppose I'm trying to make him realise that yes, he could lose a leg, his eyesight, his kidneys could pack up. Right now his kidney function is OK, but if he keeps on keeping on, it won't be. His blood sugar is 47, which I believe is right at the top end of the borderline range. He has cut back the sugar in his tea, but is still consuming half a jar of jam per day on bread, smeared with thick butter. Yesterday he finished a large jar of jam that he only bought 2 days ago.

His attitude is that there is a pill for it and if he does get diabetes, he will be OK if he just takes it. I've tried to explain what can happen on that pill, and that your pancreas can eventually give up and you end up on insulin for the rest of your life.... or worse. He says he will do something about it if it gets worse, but this is already the 11th hour in my mind, or for anyone with an ounce of common sense about their health.

The latest development is he has jaundice in his eyes, which I noticed a few days ago. He noticed it too. He also has blurred vision. Of course it can mean many things. But the statin could be damaging his liver, it could be a bile issue, something else. But jaundice should never be ignored. I've urged him to see a GP. He hasn't made an appointment. He also has extreme fatigue that seems to be getting worse and worse. I almost drove him to A&E yesterday as I was so worried.

I'm sure I don't even need to mention the ED that happens due to diabetes, but he doesn't even seem bothered about getting the number down for that. I thought that might sway him, a reason to change, but it hasn't.

Today I have decided to back off. I woke up and felt so angry that he doesn't care enough about our shared future to take care of himself better. I'm starting to feel like his mother and not his partner and that's not what a relationship is about.

@Omron together 2 years, engaged already 6m

where’s the fire? You barely know this person, and moreover what you do know, you don’t like.

ive been with my now H 10 years, we got married a couple of months ago. He’s active, I - for a long time, due to recovery from a deeply abusive background and resultant agoraphobia wasn’t always active, until I took the opportunity to learn to swim. I was however overweight

my h did say once that we need to have things in common for relationships to work, and he actually referenced swimming as an activity we were doing together.

over the years we’ve added loads of new activities to do together, fitness and outdoor activities

food wise he was healthier than me, although nowadays we’re very healthy people and eat well. I grew as my confidence and self esteem grew

im now nearly 60, train 7 times a week and am pretty much the fittest person in the gym whenever I train. My h is super proud of me, and I’m chuffed with how far I’ve come.

This guy isn’t the one for you love, he really isn’t. He doesn’t want to change, in fact I think he’s always been this way, but has been faking whatever good practice he’s done as a way of getting you locked in.

It’s still very early days in a relationship, for info (and not suggesting this for a second) it takes between 18m and 2 years for an abuser to show their true selves.

im saying this because it illustrates that it’s only now that you’re seeing the real him, and you don’t like it.

as others have said, he’s not going to change. He thinks you’re a done deal and there is no need to make any effort to secure his position in your life

you will end up resenting him. That resentment will turn to hatred.

better to extract yourself from this now than ruining your life by marrying him

it’s cold, but he’s not who you thought he was when you met him, and he’s going to drag you down with him

Is he rich? Because frankly, given that he is going to be dead before much longer, that is the only reason I can think of that would make marrying him worthwhile.

But not if you would leave him otherwise? And why wait for it to get worse??

Oh, I know he won't listen. You can't hitch your wagon to this person, OP. Quite apart from the time bomb of his health and the cost of all that fatty food, don't you find it a turn off when he makes puking noises over what you drink? And it sounds like he doesn't brush his teeth twice a day either? His breath must stink, and why hasn't he got his bad teeth fixed?

What need is there to marry and what impact would it have on you if you’re not married? Why become more intertwined if you have such doubts and he takes no care of himself?

Don't marry this man.

Get out now before he finds out what is wrong with him because it's a lot more difficult mentally to leave a partner who is ill.

Having watched my Mum slowly have to take care of her husband due to his ill health (mainly due to him not looking after himself) I know it’s not something I would do. I know it’s in sickness and in health, but if it’s a sickness that can be helped, stopped in its tracks even, I certainly won’t be putting my life on hold to uphold that vow.

I couldnt be with someone who had so little care or respect for me that they wouldnt look after their teeth properly, never mind someone who doesnt seem to give a shit about the impact on you now and in the future. He knows he worries you, he knows he could end up with serious health issues that impact his life and therefore yours, and he doesnt give a shit. If he was a good, decent man, he would be saying i recognise there's a problem and a CBA to sort it, ive got my own issues, but you shouldn't have to deal with the consequences of this. But he isnt. He's LAUGHING at you over basic hygiene? That isn't a sensory issue, or a skill or knowledge issue, thats something who thinks its all a big fucking joke. Because if you are dating someone who isn't smart enough to understand basic tooth hygiene then you need to ask yourself if you are really there for him, or because you think this is all you are worth. When people talk about 'everyone's got flaws' they dont mean THIS.

Could you ring 111 on his behalf and then get them to talk to him, as the @theDudesmummy suggested he needs medical treatment if he has jaundice.
Maybe this could be the rude awakening he needs.

Get out now unless you want to be his carer.

Why are you with him? He sounds like a childish glutton. He’ll only get worse and with jaundice it sounds like he won’t be living very long. His body is buggered and his attitude sucks. You deserve better.

Absolutely do NOT marry this man. And it would be in your best interests to end the relationship completely.

He's a walking health time-bomb, and the clock is already ticking. At best(!) he'll have a massive heart attack and die. But most likely, he'll have a stroke and be incapacitated. And who would the care for him fall to? His wife, of course!

No, no, no, no! You are taking care of yourself, do not throw it away being a carer for a man who self-sabotaged his own health. He is choosing to become an invalid or an early death, You can choose better than that.

Your problem is that you see walking away as abandoning him. But what you would actually would be abandoning is a future of drudgery and growing resentment, locked into a life with a stubborn self-destructive twat who you'd grow to hate. That is no life at all.

This is a man bent on self-destruction. And once the time-bomb explodes, he'll cling to you like a drowning man to a piece of flotsam, happy to drag you underwater with him. Don't be a fool. End both the engagement and the relationship. You are worth more than to be this man's arse-wiper and spoon-feeder.

Why are you with him? You have not mentioned one redeeming feature. I couldn't live with someone so stupid and stubborn.

It sounds like you will end up parenting him in order to get him healthy and/or end up his carer. Maybe a big shock will sort him out. In your position I think I would suggest you say you are not interested in being his mother to constantly harass him about his health and so you won’t do it. As a result his health will continue to deteriorate. You are not interested in becoming his carer due to his own actions so the wedding is off and give him back his ring. Say it is not fair on you to expect you to stick around as he slowly dies a self induced early death and breaks your heart in the process. You are protecting yourself. If you live together, move out. Go back to being a more casual relationship where you meet for dates.

He may have lots of good qualities Op but they can't outweigh how incredibly negligent he is with his own life. All that fat will clog up his arteries, having bad teeth will damage his heart,he's a prime candidate for a heart attack, diabetes and poor circulation leading to long term chronic illness.I'm not sure but I think you alluded to him having DC, if I've got that right that's even worse, he won't change his eating habits for you or his DC?
I don't want to be unkind Op but he's a bad, bad choice, if you have DC they'll have a DF who can't do much with them, who ends up disabled or dies young, you'll end up juggling childcare whilst caring for him. Please don't do this to yourself, he could change everything if he only had the will to do it but he doesn't - in many ways he's like an addict - you tied yourself to an addict once before, why would you do that again?

This sounds like trying to fit a size 4 shoe into a 7 size foot: as much as you push it's not going to work. This man is not for you and you are not for him, do the guy (and yourself) a favour and go and find some vegan marathon runner. Let your BF find a GF who will enjoy watching sunsets while eating jam and salami sandwiches together, he needs a GF, not a mother and you need a partner, not a son.

I wouldn’t marry him. , no , he should want to be around for as long as he can with his lovely new wife to be .
His eating habits are actually disgusting 🤮.
You guys are so different, was he always like this ?

@Omron you don't like him any more due to his lifestyle so end it.
Diets are never going to improve by someone else nagging you about them so save your breath.

So he’ll wait to see if his eye jaundice gets worse before he seeks medical help? Is he desperate for a guide dog?

You say that you have experience of depression. It sounds as if there may be some kind of need for validation for you with this man. Of course I may be barking up the wrong tree. YOUR LIFE MATTERS. I know how hard it can be to actually believe that but it's true.
He shows himself as a selfish toe rag and he's taking you for granted. It's t8me to put yourself first. You are definitely allowed to do that. Please don't let him guilt trip you into staying with him. Responsibility for him belongs with him, not you.

I think you are fundamentally very different people and it really reads like you’ve got the ick. It’s done I think.

Yes the Ops fiance has a terrible diet, not sure if he drinks but this sounds like non alcholic fatty liver disease and needs being seen to pronto...It would put me right off someone not giving a shit about their health, it catches up with them big time.

Monitoring and being cross mummy is sooooo un sexy id never do it

how likely is he to make choices for himself?

Walk away. He won’t change and you’ll end up his carer.

@Omron
As your "fiance" isn't taking it seriously and obviously has no respect for himself or your concerns I say leave him to his own devices.
He's possibly pre-diabetic with on-coming jaundice leadind to possible liver failure. So will you happily tend/cope if say he loses limbs and has to use a wheelchair knowing he deliberately did this to himself by eating all the wrong foods deliberately which wound you up?
Some people just don't want to be saved
Get out now; or you could end up stuck with a horrible frustrated totally dependent wheelchaired husband

In fairness, I would rather give up milk than drink skim.

If you can’t step back and accept his choices, you need to end it. I’m not saying his choices are good. I’m saying he is an adult who isn’t hurting anyone but himself.

There is nothing wrong with saying you don’t want to stick around and watch him do this to himself. You should not be trying to police him if you stay.